Cold Feet by Robert Dumitrescu - Short, Drama - Adam finds a way to delay the wedding. Adam resorts to criminal actions upon discovering his fiancée's infidelity. Now, he must divert her attention from the real reason behind his reluctance to marry her. To do so, he devises a plan to pleasantly surprise her with a wedding gift that conceals his true intentions. 3 pages

Production: tight budget, two roles, single location—kitchen - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice :)

Either I'm stupid or I'm missing something here. I just don't get it.

What's in the envelope- not a toenail, surely.

I'll just go with I'm stupid.

no way!

-Thanks for checking out 'Cold Feet.' I really appreciate it. I couldn't bring myself to put someone through 120 pages if I can't nail down 3-5 pages just right.

I tried to be a bit sneaky, but it probably didn't work out too well. My idea was that when she opens the envelope and sees the surprise, she's shocked. As the audience, if we can't see what she sees, we the viewer believe Adam is confronting her with proof of an ongoing affair. Instead, the document in the envelope has some unexpected twist or confirmation that Beverly knows Adam is unaware of the affair because what is inside has nothing to do with the affair. In reality, he's aware because he's taken matters into his own hands, having dealt with her lover buried under the mound, he has bought himself more time to figure out what to do with his fiancé.

I wasn't sure how I could squeeze all that into 3-4 pages.

I seem to be in "logline mode" today.  This one also tends to ramble a bit IMO.  How about something like:

Having discovered his fiance’s infidelity, Adam schemes to delay the wedding by offering her a gift that serves to conceal his true horrendous act of revenge.

The script formatting also needs some work - but then that is also my weakness, so I really shouldn't nitpick.  Go through and read some of the shorts offered on this site to get a feel for the way they are laid out i.e. formatting, character description/building, etc.  IMO the best way to learn and hone the craft is by studying the work of others.  This is a great place to start with works featured by some incredible writers.  Best of luck with this - revenge is always an interesting premise.

I'd love to read some additional samples , if anyone can recommend any shorts out there that stood out to them,  please feel free to PM me.

The log line is definitely better short and sweet 30 words or less.

Thank you for the example.

haha , I don't mind the nitpicking but I do see the errors you're referring to , I've gone through and fixed some of my newbie errors / typo's , not sure how I can upload or post an updated draft. I might have to include "The Don" in the process to upload the updated version of it.