Social Experiment by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Drama, Crime - Skeptical and frustrated over an unexpected encounter, a man miscalculates his actions in a dire situation.  4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

How's everyone doing? It's been a long time since I've written any script. Hope you all will find it interesting!

I found this interesting and enjoyable.

At the end I found myself both feeling bad for Bob but also rolling my eyes thinking. "Bob, you're a moron!"

I'm pretty sure that's the reaction you intended. Nicely done.

Yuvraj, welcome back!

I like this a lot but I think you could go even further with the satirical comedy element to gain maximum crowd-pleaser effectiveness.

Watch out for story strands that go nowhere. I really thought the 'waterfalls' line was going to play into this somehow, but now I see it's probably just to explain why he needs yet more gas.

Suggestion: Maybe Bob's starting a new fitness regime - have him grab energy drinks specifically, on the second visit to the gas station. You could also change his outfit to new high-end label sports shoes, shorts, bandana.This would explain him 'jogging' at night and segue nicely to your dark alley scene and add comedy.

Be clear about the Assailant pointing the gun at Bob.

Another line from Bob would be good (directed to the assailant) might play into more comedy. Have Bob laugh,  push the point - 'C'mon Man, where's the camera?

Then the Mugger aims the gun at Bob's head, pulls the trigger. Smash to Black.


Minors:

BOB
Well, I was really left with five
dollars that day.

Suggest: 'That's all I had' or 'lucky I had that much' might read better.
He could also make a crack about a cashless society and the social media commentator being behind the times.

I thought $5 was a pretty decent donation. Maybe take this further, have Bob rummage in his pockets and come up with loose change.

Edit Suggestions:

Jerry jumps to his feet.
You're gonna give yourself an ear infection.
I'm gonna grab some drinks.
Call the assailant 'Mugger.'

Nice job, very enjoyable, just ramp it up.

P.S. Your logline should read : miscalculates his actions when confronted with a dire situation.

Yuvraj, that was a great screenplay. Simple story, built-up tension, a little blend of social commentary, and some humor. That’s like a pretty fancy bite when eating a Michelin starred restaurant. Keep up the good work.

Nick Le

Thank you, Michael, Libby, and Nick, for reading and commenting!

Quoted from LC I like this a lot but I think you could go even further with the satirical comedy element to gain maximum crowd-pleaser effectiveness.

My intention was to show the invasion of privacy and the unwanted (negative) attention it brings. I get what you're saying, but I never envisioned my story being considered a (satirical) comedy.

Quoted from LC Maybe Bob's starting a new fitness regime - have him grab energy drinks specifically, on the second visit to the gas station. You could also change his outfit to new high-end label sports shoes, shorts, bandana.This would explain him 'jogging' at night and segue nicely to your dark alley scene and add comedy.

Great suggestion. I intended to show a simple man with a regular job looking forward to his getaway (waterfalls) and relaxing. The last scene, where Bob absently finds himself on an empty street, depicts how caught up he is in his mind with the negativity and the deceived world we live in that he loses time.

Quoted Text Be clear about the Assailant pointing the gun at Bob.

I did - 'The Assailant shoots the Man in the head, then aims at Bob.' Or did you mean something else?

Quoted Text Your logline should read : miscalculates his actions when confronted with a dire situation.

Oh! Must be the predictive text feature. Can you fix it, please?

Thank you once again for the detailed notes.

Yes, you did make The Man clear. My mistake.
I gather you mean 'invasion' of privacy. Not evasion

Oh, well... It reads ripe for comedy to me. Except for the guy getting shot of course.

Fixed the logline for you.

All the best with this, Yuvraj.
Great to see you back!

Picked by a film student from Amsterdam!!

Quoted from Yuvraj Picked by a film student from Amsterdam!!

Congrats, man! :)

Well done!

Yuvraj,

Congrats on the script pick up!

As far as the story goes, simple but effective. I’m sure on a larger scale, there’s room for a much bigger work here. Maybe a feature?

Steve

Thanks, Libby, Zack, and Steven!!