Dark Corner by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - A robber's life gets tormented when he unknowingly makes a wrong decision.  4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I wrote this a long time back and somehow forgot about it. Made a few changes and tidied it up a bit. Hope you all will enjoy it!

Hi Yuvraj, some very nice work here.
A few comments/suggestions:

DAVE(V.O.)
And what did I do to get this? I
made a mistake. A terrible mistake.

You could actually just begin this line with: 'I made a terrible mistake'.
Alternatively: 'I don't know what I did to deserve this.'
However, if he wasn't a thieving criminal this wouldn't have happened so you know, karma; he actually does know. As for the couple, who knows what they did to deserve it.

I think it would add if the couple live in an affluent suburb and the house looks well-appointed. Maybe even make the couple older, more defenceless.

Dave's story could be enhanced re his actual motives - unpaid bills, final notices, maybe an eviction warning. It would make him a fully fleshed out character and get an audience on side, feel his plight.

closes the door carefully
Suggestion: closes the door quietly

When he walks from the kitchen to the loungeroom that could be a continuous shot but a few of your other Continuous shots are actually not Continuous.

Continuous” indicates that a scene's action is ongoing, changing from one setting to the next without a break in time, meaning the camera will keep tracking from one area to another in a stream.

Is he there to burgle or just to kill these two? Seems an odd thing to do considering his living arrangements would indicate he's there cause he needs money, jewellery etc. But, why thieve a place that's rundown?

A THUD resonates from the above floor.
Suggestion: A THUD resonates from the floor above.

Terrific suspense with Dave at the backdoor.

I have no words to describe how it
looks.
Might be better put as:
I have no words to describe what I saw.

A loud bullet shot echoes.
A loud gun-shot echoes.

The paper gently sways in the wind. The writing is a
scribbled mess - completely illegible. We hear the scratching...

Perhaps ramp up the ending a bit by having someone come to the door - maybe the landlord. Or have that note rip/peel from the door and flutter away in the wind.

This has an It Follows vibe.

A very creepy and enjoyable read which I'm guessing will be picked up for production fast.

Select a good filmmaker to do it justice.

Thank you, Libby. I really appreciate the detailed comments you provide on almost all the scripts.

Quoted from LC I think it would add if the couple live in an affluent suburb and the house looks well-appointed. Maybe even make the couple older and more defenceless.

In fact, the old couple's house is not run down. It's just not taken care of due to the thing! I think 'weather-beaten' caused the confusion there. An old couple makes a perfect opportunity for a robber who doesn't like to leave his victims alive.

Quoted from LC Dave's story could be enhanced re his actual motives - unpaid bills, final notices, maybe an eviction warning. It would make him a fully fleshed out character and get an audience on side, feel his plight.

Great suggestion! I thought that his living conditions could suffice his evil motives.

Quoted from LC Is he there to burgle or just to kill these two? Seems an odd thing to do considering his living arrangements would indicate he's there cause he needs money, jewellery etc. But, why thieve a place that's rundown?

Tbh, the attempted murder acted as a set piece to reveal the unknown horror in the house. But wait, I can justify ;D. The old couple made an easy target for Dave for robbery and to avoid leaving any (apparent) witness behind.

Quoted from LC Perhaps ramp up the ending a bit by having someone come to the door - maybe the landlord. Or have that note rip/peel from the door and flutter away in the wind.

Actually, I thought of ending it that way. But, the intrigue of just leaving the note on the door in the wind and wondering if the note eventually falls off before someone unfortunate/curious finds it or not made me write it the other way around.

Quoted from LC Select a good filmmaker to do it justice.

Hope so.

Thank you once again.

My pleasure.
Good luck with it!