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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Lull Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 11th, 2010, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lull by Leon Aria - Short, Sci Fi - {no logline}  2 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 11th, 2010, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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I donít normally read scripts that have no logline. I made an exception. I donít know why. Maybe it was because it was only two pages.

Anyway, I donít really get it. It wasnít good or bad for me. Iím just indifferent about it. A lot of newer writers write these types of philosophical pieces. I guess itís good as a learning exercise. You have potential. Itís a little raw right now but itís clearly there. For a first script, it shows promise.

On a technical note, I would definitely not make it a habit to put descriptions or transitions on the same line as a scene heading.

Best,


Breanne


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RayW
Posted: August 11th, 2010, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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Random flotsam.
Didn't get the story.



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sniper
Posted: August 12th, 2010, 2:41am Report to Moderator
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My UZI Weighs A Ton

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Leon,

I didn't hate this one. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to. I really did. Just looking at the format got my blood boiling. Learn that shit. The story was pretty deep though, had a kind of Lost-feel to it.


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Leon
Posted: August 12th, 2010, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hi
Thanks for putting up this script, Don.
And thanks guys for comments, much appreciated.  
Yeah, its pretty ambiguous, didn't even leave a log line, though it seems I left it far too vague.

The main concept, supposedly, is that this is the invention of our human existence, Jacob is the first human, he's in a machine getting images piped into his head by some unknown force.  In this particular scene they are deciding to implant the construct of death and discuss it's necessity.  Jacob see images of death in varying guises, accumulating in the death of the sun and an end to mankind.

I hope that helps

Sniper, yeah sorry bout the formatting, i'm still learning.  I wrote this pretty quickly, wrote and submitted this the same day i found this site.  Then i went on to read other unproduced scripts and comments on this site, and believe me i was kicking myself for submitting this one. I wrote it in Word .  I'm on Celtx now.  
As for the 'Lost' reference, i think its coz I used the name Jacob, and stuck a forest in there, it must have been running around in my subconscious.  

(by the way this the first time i've ever really used a forum and i'm loving these smiley faces )

Cheers Guys

Leon


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sniper
Posted: August 12th, 2010, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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My UZI Weighs A Ton

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Quoted from Leon
As for the 'Lost' reference, i think its coz I used the name Jacob, and stuck a forest in there, it must have been running around in my subconscious

Same here  

God, I miss Lost.



Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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jayrex
Posted: August 12th, 2010, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Quoted from Leon

The main concept, supposedly, is that this is the invention of our human existence, Jacob is the first human, he's in a machine getting images piped into his head by some unknown force.  In this particular scene they are deciding to implant the construct of death and discuss it's necessity.  Jacob see images of death in varying guises, accumulating in the death of the sun and an end to mankind.



With the creation of human existence, Jacob somehow master a language quite quickly.

Maybe you should turn this into a sci-fi script instead, and create some sort of backdrop on these people who are experimenting.  Reading this does not instantly scream beginning of the world as we know it.

Cut to should be on the right of the page.

Also, if something is hidden, what does it matter to the viewer?  They can't see it, right.  Might as well as wrote a passing circus is hidden from view.

Maybe actually write these bodies are in full view, or at least charred or something.

All the best.


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tailbest
Posted: August 23rd, 2010, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Leon,

I wont harp much about the formatting as that has been brought up already. I'm still trying to perfect formatting as well. I think the added logline makes this an interesting piece. As is, it needs to be cleaned up, but I feel there can be good idea here. Good luck.

tailbest


"Why don't we just...wait here for a little while...see what happens?"

MY WORK

2 versions of my short script: "Writer's Block"? Why not.

Version 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmMqDVoAwCA

Version 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuSg1vZ50GQ

My lame webpage: http://tailbest.blogspot.com/
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 23rd, 2010, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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Leon, it's interesting to say the least.

Formatting is terrible.  Don't go over 4 lines of prose per passage. Cut them down, clean this up.

SLUGS are all wrong.  Flashbacks need to be labeled and formatted properly.

Some poorly constructed sentences.  A few other issues.

Story, or maybe just concept is intriguing, although, in no way, do I get what you wrote as what this is about.

Keep at it, bud!  Read scripts in here, comment on them.  Learn how to properly format a script and you're on your way!

Good job!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Colkurtz8
Posted: August 24th, 2010, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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Leon

I thought this was some treatment on the horrors of war and how it, in a way, invents death by the hundreds/thousands/millions each time one is fought and we were reliving the pained memories of a veteran here...obviously I was very, very wrong.

But on the basis of your explanation above in one of the posts you have a potentially interesting and ambitious project in mind here. However, as it stands, all itís got is great potential, nothing more. You need to develop it further so readers can get on board too, get on to your wavelength.

Take heed of the cries about the poor formatting too, it needs to be greatly improved. Thankfully that can be mastered with practice.

Best of luck with it.

Col.


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Leon
Posted: August 25th, 2010, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hi
Thanks for the reads guys, much appreciated.

@jayrex
Quoted Text
With the creation of human existence, Jacob somehow master a language quite quickly.


Yeah, that's a good point.  I sure there are a lot of issues to be ironed out if i do develop the idea.
As for the 'Hidden', yeah should have probably gone with something different, like 'obscured', will work on the formatting. Cheers

tailbest, Dreamscale, Col. - Thanks for the reads, will try and sort out my formatting and will keep reading more scripts.  Clarity isn't one of my strong points and will try and build from your comments, I will look into developing this idea to produce something more substantial, or at least something that translates the concept clearly onto the page.

Once again, thanks for the reads and the comments, they have been helpful.  

Leon


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