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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  Get a Clue - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Get a Clue - OWC  (currently 3425 views)
Ryan1
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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This one had some pretty hilarious scenes.  The murdered dad drops dead on the table, but his loving family seems way more concerned with their own well being.  The script was an interesting mix of straight up horror with black comedy.  The tonal shifts were jarring at times, but I think the story succeeded in incorporating elements of the board game into the narrative.  Couldn't figure out why the game was suddenly haunted on this particular night, but I guess it doesn't really matter.  This was a wild one.
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Trojan
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 8:02am Report to Moderator
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It seemed too convenient that Kyle just intuitively knew that the board game had come alive, based on the character tokens glowing. Didn't find it believable he would ignore the fact his dad is now dead so he could keep playing the game, unless he indicated that by finishing the game they might be able to save him or themselves.

Writing was solid for the most part, but could be tidied up in places. Not a bad effort overall.
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wonkavite
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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Okay!!!!  I think this one's got tons of potential.  My only negative - towards the last act, I do feel it dragged on a bit too long.


BUT - great premise, and I think that several of the "quip" lines are absolute gems!  (Plus, a great ending.  Usually, I hate that twist.  But this time, it worked pretty decently for me...)  

A few quick notes/observations:

I’d rather have my teeth pulled – great!
Better than Monopoly – I always go to jail – great!
Clinton was still President – nice! (You MIGHT be able to throw a Hillary comment in there after that)
p. 5 suggestion.  Things change, Honey. Add: All the time.
p. 6 – he’s not gonna be that long - Funny!
p. 6 – constipated , dear?  (IE: Suggesting to use Dear this time - to mix it up with the previous honey?)
p 7 – A Tom Savini reference. I LOVE YOU!!!
Around p 8 -  I’d think there needs to be MOREEEEEE chaos – since Dad is dead!!! Shouldn't everyone be in absolute running around like chickens with their heads cut off mode, vs. playing Sherlock?

My five cents.  Kudos!

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RichardR
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This is a riff on Jumanji, hence the author's name.  What is missing is the specialness of the game Dad pulls from the closet.  Why is this one any different from the one they played last month?  Without some hint, the glowing eyes don't mean much to me.

At the end, they don't actually play the game.  They don't make accusations, have someone prove them wrong, and continue.  Playing for their lives should be more dramatic and give them a bigger sense of urgency.  Drop the empty clatter at the beginning and give more to the end, to their fight for survival.  

best
Richard
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Grandma Bear
Posted: January 27th, 2016, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
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I thought it took awhile for this one to get going. Perhaps trim it a bit up front.

I like the idea here, but when Eugene dies, the rest of the character's reactions felt very wrong. I think it could work though if played in a deadpan, Monty Python'ish kind of way, but then you have to keep the same vibe/tone/humor throughout the rest of the script as well.

This was just a short and written in a short amount of time, but I would've liked this to be longer. More character explorations and action. I wanted Col. Mustard to be more memorable as well. These things would be fairly easy to achieve in a longer piece.

So, good job with something that could be a great deal of fun.


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alffy
Posted: January 27th, 2016, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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A few things that occurred to me....

What the hell is chutes and ladders?  I'm guessing it's snakes and ladders for jessies lol

There were a few things that didn't read well, a bit confusing at first.  The two footsteps had me confused at first as to whether we saw the feet or just heard them?  Then the clock, 5 minutes elapse.  Does the clock spin on 5 minutes?

Han shot first comment made me chuckle lol

Eugene says whoever rolls highest goes first but he rolls and just moves doesn't he?  Also he rolls 4 but moves 6, is he cheating straight off the bat? lol

Eugene talks and moans while going up/down stairs, are these off screen?

Kyle said he was going to play Halo but I didn't think he did but Maddie says he did.  So did he go upstairs and play but then come back down before Eugene?  Would he not wait till Eugene was finished in the bathroom before coming back?

Kyle mentions the weird tokens well after they lit up.  Seems strange to me.

Okay so some of the reactions from the characters, not really bothers Eugene was dead, led me to believe this was a pisser but then later, with all the crying and hugging, was more straight faced, so this all left me confused.

I think this was a great idea but badly executed.  I was confused by some descriptions and totally lost by the tone you were going for.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 28th, 2016, 4:03am Report to Moderator
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Code

An average suburban house painted white. The full moon is
blood-red. A wolf howls in the distance.



I can tell already that this story will lack flow. These are your very first words. They should flow, set the tone, get me in the mood. The 'painted white' bit throws me right away. The description of the moon is completely shit... and a poxy wolf howls in the distance. I suddenly feel like headbutting my desk.

Code

EUGENE (O.S.)
Anyone up for a board game?



Seriously? No.

What's with all the Bowie shit? Hoping that a producer might be a fellow Bowie fan, feel a kinship with you and make this? Her last name is Bowie and she's wearing a David Bowie t-shirt. Come on. WTF?

Code

Eugene goes into the closet.



At last, something that makes me chuckle.

Code

Eugene comes out of the closet...



Hilarious. The actor will have a great time trying to pull this off.

Code

He leaves the closet door open.



Never heard that one before.

Wow... I'm at page 3 and I've just noted there are 11 pages.

I'm completely bored by page 4.

I can't take any more.

Why am I punishing myself? I'm right. I should stop.




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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 29th, 2016, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Get a Clue

Pretty ironic script.

A bit unfocused partly.

If rethought, this could be a funny commercial for the Cluedo board game imo.

B-



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Gum
Posted: January 29th, 2016, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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The Jumanji/Clue angle was clever enough.  I thought you gave a fairly decent attempt to create a suspenseful atmosphere as well. I know it’s been said but, Eugene’s death was the only scene that really took me out of the story -- “ho-hum, Dad’s dead… your turn.”

‘Quip’ lines, J-- ? Na, it’s only a quip when it taunts, this was more like a Ferret leaving pellets in your boot.

Other than that… pass.
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