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Game Night On T-27 by John Hunter - Short, Sci Fi, Horror - For two scientists isolated at remote research station, Game Night takes on a whole new meaning. - pdf, format
There's no need for the narration at the beginning. The story can speak for itself.
The first slug line tells us this planet is cloaked in eternal night, so why does the following slug line say "day"?
The setup is a vintage sci-fi/horror chestnut. Well worn territory but it works to set the tension.
Sarah tells base they ran out of food weeks ago, but it seems like they just polished off that box of corn flakes. Story needs more clarity there, IMO. Maybe emphasize just how gaunt and starving they are. Really show how desperate they are.
Nice little twist at the end there, but it had a bit of a comic element for me. Couldn't help but chuckle as she was frying up old Jack and finds out the resupply ship was just hours away the whole time. But, didn't buy her killing herself as a reaction. It really wasn't her fault. You might have added more texture to the story if it went deeper into the game they played. Maybe she fixed the deck so she'd win. Then she'd have a legit reason to feel horrible. Anyway, a good little story but you could've dug deeper into these characters and used the game more to effectively ratchet the tension up.
Did I miss something in the challenge guidelines about cannibalism? lol
The FADE IN can go after the VO. Was it a carbon copy of the logline too?
The dialogue at start was charming, I felt how beat and tired they were. I also appreciated how quick Jack's fate was determined, it was pretty quirky and timed in its own way. I expected a little more from the end other than Sarah reacting that way. Seemed out of character considering she was noted by Jack as a strong woman.
But in an isolated setting, it's not a bad thing to leave a nasty surprise for the cavalry. I liked, just not a fan of the end.
The narration at the beginning seemed like an author's wink to the challenge more than related to the story.
Given it was 'Game Night' challenge, I reckon more could have been drawn out from the card cutting scene..Short sharp and obviously 'Gave Over' for Jack. How old was Sarah? Were they a couple? Any sexual tension between them? I think all this could have made for a juicier final card game.
The re- emergence of the lost supply ship set up the ending nicely, just before the Jack rib fillet. A cool twist. But Sarah topping herself just didn't seem believable... Tough, making the hard decisions to survive and now can't hack it pardon the pun.
As usual, these are just my opinions... which are known to be wrong... frequently!
I too would lose the VO. Is the first location meant to be just a large single room in the station, open plan? If it's a specific place then it needs something to show it's the bedroom etc. 'Hope you can hang on' seems a little flippant for a potential death sentence There on a space station 45 days from earth, which suggests it's some time in the future, yet they have some old school equipment, radio, deck of cards, pistol etc, might be worth upgrading the tech. A bit picky BUT... cutting cards isn't really a game and they don't play anything else... it could ratchet the tension a little if they actually played a game and someone won. I saw the twist coming, but liked it anyway... wonder if it wouldn't be funnier if she started cooking Jack for the arriving crew?
Reminds me of The Martian sort of. Good dialogue in this piece so far. Stakes. Character. Written by one of the vets I'd guess.
oh super wow ...another great script. Not much to complain about. Maybe milk that part where the food ship calls in. And I'm not sure it wouldn't have been better if you had shown us something...maybe her trying to eat it and after she gets the morsel down the ship calls.
Pretty good job. Some nice entries so far! A minor nitpick on this was there was no board game to speak of here, just a deck of cards. In the end I don't think it really matters that much. Anyway. The writing here is crisp, and there's good stakes (steaks ) involved. A nice twist, and not wordy. Although I had a problem with that opening VO. It's not necessary and adds nothing to a good effort.
logline - quite like that, nice setting. monster in the house territory
lets see...
err...hasnt a narrator just said the longline. never seen that before
i would also say you need to fade in to a scene/location - you fade into nothing, yet have a narrator
Official designation T-27 - how would we know that?
nooo dont do it...and she does. never gonna end well
and it doesn't - not sure about the pistol if she was actually prepared to kill him anyway and remain with blood on her apron, clearly she doesn't give a toss
overall, simple enough. not too much to it and dependent on the twist, but it kind of works. characters were a little shallow and could be fleshed out to add the to the conflict
like others i found it funny the sight of her with a sizzling pan. i must be sick
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Not so much focus on the actual game itself. Maybe if they drew cards and ate different body parts each time they lost until help arrived... kinda like strip poker
Not sure why she had to kill herself.
Overall the writing s pretty good and little bit of SCI FI mixes it up so I like that
A good attempt, and the writing for the most part is not bad.
I didn't really buy the actions of the characters. They seemed to accept their fate too easily and didn't put up any kind of fight. Then when the woman killed herself it seemed out of place, and an insult to the guy she ate as he'd given his life to keep her alive.
One part that didn't make sense to me was when she said that maybe both of them can't survive, then Jack looks stunned and asks if she's suggesting they eat ice and snow. How does eating ice and snow relate to only one of them being able to make it? Surely he'd only looked stunned after he realized what she was really talking about.
Good effort overall, it felt a bit rushed at the end so maybe with more time this would've been stronger.
Tis really a lot like The Martian minus the cannibalism and Watney's incredible never say die attitude and ingenuity.
I give you points for creating a tale that I really wanted to keep reading to see how it ended. Sad to say I did not like that ending - seemed like a cop out. More importantly I think you should have had an actual game take up most of the action/plot to see who would get the chop/decide the fate of one of them. Both of them seemed to easily acquiesce to the decision being made by cutting the deck. A human being's will to survive tells me that kind of up front acceptance which effectively is the equivalent of a heads or tales toss really isn't credible.
C'mon they both want to live. Make them work for their own survival - make it a game to the death. That I'd be invested in.
Ah, more people who have no reservations about eating human flesh. I like the setting, it gave me a John Carpenter 'Thing' scenario in my head. I was curious what the outpost was doing on the planet in the first place. A few lines of dialog or action could really bring up a cool scenario as to why IMO.
Nitpick I have with scripting deep space outposts are the real time transmissions. Earth-Jupiter, depending on the position in their orbit can take anywhere from 30-50 minutes to receive a transmission... is T-27 farther than Jupiter? Like I said, just nit-picking.
Both Sarah and Jack are bordering on space madness, and hunger... space hunger! However, appear to have their wits about them and, approach their turmoil like a Hindu Cow. Jack should be hallucinating Sarah's ass as a plump Cornish game hen, etc. That would be funny shit IMO...
I liked it, good writing, just the right amount of bizarre.
Agree with the majority, the narration at the beginning is not needed. It's a logline.
I'm not a fan of beats..
Coming to the conclusion that they will eat each other seemed a bit to easy for these two.
Overall, not bad. It's short and lacks any real feeling. Which is weird, because (SPOILERS) it's a woman eating a man and shooting herself. I should feel something. It was all too quick though. I felt nothing for these people.