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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  It's Only Words - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Lightfoot
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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Opens up on some seemingly chunky action and no dialogue whatsoever to go along with this short and I honestly enjoyed this read, never thought I'd say that for a no dialogue short. Like others have said this was a well written and touching story, liked the span of time good idea.
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DanC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 2:31am Report to Moderator
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It was a long read.  Too long.  I know what you were trying to do, but, it just went on and on...

and on

and on

and on...

It was a cool way to use the game.  In a way, it shows the problems with society.  People can't just talk to each other, it's always under the guise of something else.  At least, that was how i took the lack of dialog...

5/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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Dan
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Trojan
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 2:54am Report to Moderator
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I liked the concept but as others have mentioned, it's really overwritten. Towards the end I just found myself skimming as it's so dense, and it's also repetitive.

There's no real surprise or anticipation of wanting to know what comes next, so that makes it a tougher read.

Decent story though and it met the challenge criteria well.
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eldave1
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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I loved the overall premise and the thread of the story. It is right in my emotional wheel house. That being said - I think it is way over written.

You already have a challenge in that you are going to be describing scrabble play and that by itself means chunks of space will be taken up with that - all the more reason to be absolutely concise with the other descriptions.

I think this could work with no dialogue (as written) - but would have liked to see a version with dialogue - i.e., where the scrabble game was just the mechanism for them to spend time together rather than the communication device. Note: I know that defeats the entire point of the script so I am not saying you needed dialogue for this one - just that one with dialogue would be interesting as well.





My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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RichardR
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

I liked this one for its premise--communicating through scrabble.  What can't be said can be put on the board.  Fine.  There seemed a bit too  much for me.  We get into a circular mode, and while that connotes the cyclical nature of life, it also lets the audience say--been there, done that.  

For me, putting the dialogue onto the board worked well.  I liked that the essence was distilled to single words or several strung together.  You might consider cutting down on some, especially when covering the same territory as before.

Best
Richard
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IamGlenn
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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T.S. Elliot,

Title page is a little out there. Logline is pretty vague.

Not a fan of the the character descriptions. "Easy on the eye", "image of her mother". Seems lazy.

This was decent enough. I suppose if I was watching this I'd be wondering why they're using Scrabble as a conversation tool for all these years. They don't seem to be playing for points, just chatting. There's a nice story throughout but it'd grate on me after a while having the whole thing spelt out with tiles.

Nice idea though, a little different.

Good luck,

Glenn.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 26th, 2016, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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It's only Words

A carefully thought out story with lots of details.

You create a warm atmosphere. For such a short short this feels meaningful and I believe you'd be able to grab the viewer on an emotional level with your story.

Not so sure about the characters progressing age when it comes to actors; don't like the design of the title page.

My tile rack reads "moving"

A-



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ChrisBodily
Posted: January 30th, 2016, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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Your title page (not even in 12pt Courier!) made me nervous.

I'm usually not a fan of bold slugs, but it was less distracting than I thought it'd be.

I could see this being a Pixar short. You don't need dialogue, just words. This reminded me of the opening sequence from Up, which was completely devoid of dialogue.

T.S. Elliot? I didn't know you were still alive?

10/10


FADE IN:
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stevie
Posted: January 31st, 2016, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting, feel good piece. The writer knows his stuff.

No need for me to reiterate what bogs it down as the earlier comments say it. It really does need a valid reason for there to be no dialogue as it just wouldn't happen in the real world.

The blocky action lines make it a skim candidate with only the scrabble words registering at times. Ambitious script that could be great with some tinkering.



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