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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›   Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Role of the Dice by David Lambertson - Short, Drama - The fate of two men are determined by a single roll of the dice.  - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  December 2nd, 2020, 3:52pm
revised draft
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LC
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 12:29am Report to Moderator
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I love the punchline!  

Your logline should read , fate 'is determined' btw, but easy oversight and easily fixed.

Very well written and very entertaining read, first out of the gate.  Good stuff.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 3:18am Report to Moderator
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For a guy who isn't big on Monopoly, I found myself surprised by the obvious scandal the more I read. The dialogue is really good, and dictates a fantastic pace. When these characters said something - I believed it. As expected, Chuck mimics his actions through the game. By the end I was relieved that nothing came across cheesy, it should've happened a dozen times but didn't.

I appreciate that the author didn't overload the characters on the first page, rather let us get to know Chuck and Hanna briefly before bringing others onboard.

The physical descriptions here are bland and common, although I did like Stephanie's farm-girl bit. Nothing else to say other than I enjoyed this one. Great work!
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cbead
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 3:41am Report to Moderator
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A good story and well paced.

"But a game is a game"... loved it!


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Ryan1
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 3:43am Report to Moderator
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The game aspect was very well incorporated into this one.  The characters, especially the two men, are well drawn and distinctive.  The twist of the affair was given away just a little too quickly, but I still like how Chuck kept using items from the game to make his points.  This is a very solid entry.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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Are hotels green in the US version of Monopoly? Here the houses are green, the hotels are red.

I would have liked to have seen more nods to the game, but for a few hours effort this is good work. I was hoping for a clever twist, but it works as a linear story.

6 out of 10.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 7:50am Report to Moderator
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Title 'ok' for me. Love the logline. And super love the title page. Kudos for having some no-rules-nuts.

Wow...very well structured, very well written. Easy to keep up and remember these characters. Love the monopoly board game smack right in this one.

Nothing to complain about with this one.

Clever dialogue! Best yet.

GREAT job, writer.
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irish eyes
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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Enjoyed this script from start to finish, had a feeling where it was going a few pages in.

Chuck's approach keep me entertained otherwise I would have been bored, so kudos on that character.

Nice punchline too.

Great job writer.


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SAC
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Great job on this one! Easy to follow along, and a feeling of dread coming right from the start. Tone never changed. You knew something bad was coming, just not what. The reveal was good, and there was plenty of tension. Loved the Mercedes line, and the bitch dog line.

Overall, very good job here!

Steve


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Role of the dice

logline - is quite persuasive, and oozes tension, the question is whether the script can pull it off.

Actually, i never thought of dice in my limited consideration, not a bad choice

continues to chew he sizes up the question. - missing something in there i think
Caitlin Jenner was first place. - funny

just as an aside - I'm not sure what type of place we are in - is this a care home? in the UK a residential home is for the elderly and such like, but this probably just means a house in this script.

Okay, really, it's been fun - yeah, been a blast with old chucky

I wouldn't have never done -- ???

bad chucky, bad

finished

i quite like the setting against monopoly and how it linked with he gave. Perhaps a few too many moves etc but not bad.

this is a sound entry, tidy work. perhaps nothing too radical, but considering the challenge, nicely played

suggestions - felt a little lost about where we were - i.e. location - and the relationship with the other couple, we assume they are meant to be friends,  could be fleshed out. perhaps to add conflict they could fight back with stories about him, or secretly call the police etc

all the best




My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr

Revision History (1 edits)
Reef Dreamer  -  January 23rd, 2016, 2:21pm
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Stumpzian
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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The play on words in the title went right by me until after I finished.

Hotels are red, at least they used to be.

I enjoyed this. Brisk writing, good dialogue. Your sense of timing is on the money; eg., you let us know what's going on at just the right point in the story.

Monopoly was well-integrated. The script is kind of a model for what this OWC is supposed to be.



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wonkavite
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Okay – a nice entry.  One that I feel needs cleaning, but has a great bone structure to work with.

The major pluses – a very good feel for dialogue/banter here. And well-done parallels between the subtext of the character conflict, and the game: including Life Insurance, Hotels and Go to Jail.  And a few stand out lines: It IS a bitch. The reference to Sorry, and getting it “off her chest.” - also good.

Though I have to add – someone SHOULD have asked if it was a mistake - should they have been playing “Clue.”?

A few story items that do need a tweak. IMO: the main line of the story meanders a bit, and could be tightened up.  My rec: streamline description of the board moves – it’s not that needed; everyone knows how Monopoly looks.  And the killing scenes – while I’m terribly dark myself in much of my writing, I don’t see it necessary to describe the blood spatter so graphically.  Those visuals can still be rich, but chiseled.

And my one big issue: surely, there’s *no way* a cop on meds would be allowed to keep his revolver; and his wife surely wouldn’t agree to let him have it on game night.  Have him smuggle it in, instead.

Other than that, a few minor typos to note:

p. 1  - extra space before square jaw
p. 1 – Continues to chew AS he sizes up the question
p. 3 – Demitri’s (COMMA) then against
p. 7 Stephanie’S question

But definitely – this is one submission that could ultimately be polished up and allowed to shine!
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Hunter
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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I can't think of any problems with this script. I thought that the story went very well, and there were some great lines of dialogue. I loved Stephanie's remark about how she got second place.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Just a few thoughts...

Wow! A baby in the way and a new
house. That deserves a toast.

Should that be ON the way or is it an intentional slip?

Other than that I really liked this, games was really well integrated, loved that buying a hotel was Chuck's intro to the drama.

Only minor quibble was the end line re playing sorry...

Great job


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
AnthonyCawood  -  January 24th, 2016, 2:28pm
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Trojan
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 1:55am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was really solid and the writer has clearly put a lot of thought into it. The parallels between the Monopoly game and the source of conflict was handled really well.

There were a few typos throughout, so a bit more time to proofread this would've helped.

I could see where this was going very early on, but it was still an enjoyable read.
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