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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  Mindcraft - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Mindcraft - OWC  (currently 2067 views)
Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 9:51am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mindcraft by Steve McDonell - Short, Fantasy, Horror - A young girl's birthday present becomes a problem for her parents... - pdf, format



Note: This Screenplay was written on a tablet using Celtx. The formatting may be a bit off.


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 12th, 2016, 7:39pm
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Angry Bear
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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Not bad, but I thought it took way to long to get going. IMHO, you can easily cut two pages out from the beginning. There isn't a whole lot going on. Some hints about the game, but no real drama/conflict of any kind. Lots of niceities, but that doesn't necessarily make good film. Get to the meat of the story a little quicker.

The writing was fine, but you need to fix the numerous times your pages end with a character name, but the dialogue doesn't start until the following page.

Good job!  


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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mindcraft

like the title, good play on the popular app which my girls love

no title page - is this to put us off??

ok here we go...

SUPER - MASTIC LONG ISLAND NEW YORK - not sure what this means

p2 character is on the wrong page - rushed job me thinks, like many i suspect, and page 3
Max tries to kick and lunch but... punch??

ok finished

clearly a rushed job with many spaces between text, however, the idea of minecraft taking over resonates with this parent. i even went and told by two they had only another 30 mins!!

a very topical script and with a polish i could picture this being filmed in someway

as a complete story it's a little simple to be stellar, but a sound idea.

allt he best




My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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StevenClark
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

This kinda reminds me of a Goosebumps episode. It's a bit silly, not very plausible but it doesn't mean it's without it's merits, or that it would appeal to a younger audience, which I think this would. As a script there are flaws, yes, such as having a character speak, then having their complete dialogue on the next
Page. You do this a few times and it is not acceptable. Other than that, it's the kind of story we've seen before and does not off anything new, but like I said, that doesn't mean it has no appeal.

Also, funny to see Mastic as the location as I'm a Long Islander as well. Lets Go Mets!

Overall, not bad but not for me.

Steve


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DanC
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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I think this is the best one that I've read so far.

I do think you can cut down on the pages.  Too much dialog that doesn't do anything.  Remember that less is more.  

Instead of a catatonic Lucy, I'd rather see her personality change.

Why did the parents go into the game?  Was it b/c they tore down the walls?

How did the words daddy's an asshole get there?  I thought the game did it...

Why didn't Lucy get sucked into the game?  

Lastly, if the game was broken like that, wouldn't they just cut the service on their end rather then having each player "not" play the game?

I enjoyed it though, it was a fun read.  I'd like to know why all this happened, but, it's okay that we don't.

7/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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Dan
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Mindcraft


Title. I'm not sure. I quite like it on its own, but I don't like its association with Minecraft.


Premise: Computer game that can affect reality. Workable.

Script:

Unfortunately my boring bone really played up at this one. By page 6 I was having a full blown attack of gout. It was like a demon with a needle stabbing into the very marrow of that infamous piece of my anatomy.

I'll admit, at that part I started to skim. I think there's a good bit of chat that could be cut away.

I think to make this work you'd need either a lot more chills regarding the girl turning into something else, or see the game start to effect reality a lot earlier, so there's an increasing tension.

As it is it grinds along, then explodes into action at the end, but by then it's a little too late to save it.

Not terrible by any means, but needs a rework to really make it something in my own opinion of course.
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Dustin
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

LUCY
Wow! Oh, Mom, I don't believe
it...an Xbox three sixty?



It's a modern kitchen. This says something about the family that lives there. Then comes the 360 and I do a double take. Surely they would have gone the extra yard or two and bought an Xbox One.


I'm at page 8 and I really want this to get going. I'm skipping bits now.

Yeah, not something I'd call good, but maybe some kids would love the visual aspect of it. I call this game, Minecrap. Thankfully my kids don't play it any more. I found it extremely annoying that they could use the latest technology to play something not even as visually appealing as the old Spectrum games.


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irish eyes
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Maybe hyphenate the MASTIC - LONG ISLAND - NY  otherwise not from the area might be confused.

Character on one page dialogue on another... not good
Did it again...
and a 3rd time?

Took a while to get going... I remember South Park doing an episode similar.  
Personally I've never played the game, but it was an interesting premise.

The writing overall was good and storyline worked.

good job


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Ryan1
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Got a feeling this one was submitted in a hurry because those glaring errors of a character name at the bottom of the page and the dialogue beginning on the following page were distracting.  That being said, this was a pretty good idea for a script.  All you have to do is watch people walk in a mall or airport and watch them transfixed by their phones to understand that technology does have a serious grip over us.  I think the story could have built more dread if the Minecraft phenomena wasn't just localized to Lucy, but kids all over her school.

The story had an ominous tone until it veered sharply into Tron territory.  Personally, I think it would have been more macabre if the game emitted some kind of subliminal message commanding Lucy to do something to her parents, and this was happening to kids throughout the world at the same time.

Not bad at all, but needs some work.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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Thoughts are frequent, their value less obvious

Mastic New York - learnt something new.

Something seems off with the formatting, software?

Is the console second hand or the script set a few years ago? And wouldn't a console be a little expensive to give her as an early prezzie, is she getting a horse on the day?

Monopoly for a 7 year old?

So decent opening, like the build up to her becoming obsessed with the game, very believable...

But then the end, I don't know, I wanted more, seemed a little off.




Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Dustin
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 3:57am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Ryan1
Got a feeling this one was submitted in a hurry because those glaring errors of a character name at the bottom of the page and the dialogue beginning on the following page were distracting.


That may be a software error/glitch. I use an old OS (Ubuntu 14-something) and an old version of Celtx, sometimes my pdf's convert like that too. It's annoying. Not only that but it may not even be the .pdf but the way the browser is interpreting the .pdf.

I'd put this down to a compatibility issue rather than user error.


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eldave1
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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Solid premise and sound dialogue - it all sounded natural. There is talent here.

I would cut out the pages involving monopoly and the Mets game - they are not really needed for the story and this is where the story drags a bit.

Not crazy about the "WARNING" as the ending. Just struck me as the easy way out.

Solid effort for the most part.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 11:17pm Report to Moderator
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Perhaps it's just me but Rita's (Mom's) dialogue in all the opening passages sound tongue in cheek, and stilted, as if we've ventured into Stepford territory.

At risk of repeating well trod feedback it takes an awful long time to get to the good bit. Once we're there it's entertaining but the lead in is way too long. Definitely can see the rush with this entry - tenses going every which way, little errors - I understand cause of Don's note that the formatting was a bit off so overlooked that.

The ending I'd leave with the message that came up on the screen - but edit it so it's shorter, pithier. Overall it's a pretty good idea with a Twilight feel which I love, but it needs some work.


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Trojan
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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I had a hard time taking this seriously as I found the dialogue incredibly cheesy and stilted. What 7-year-olds are saying things like, "Oh mom, you're the greatest" every other sentence? It felt like an episode of the Brady Bunch.

Interesting idea, needs a lot of cleaning up though. Didn't like the ending with the warning on screen, as it's like trying to give a logical explanation to a completely illogical occurrence. I wouldn't even try to justify how it happened, most viewers will just go along with it as the piece of fantasy that it is.
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RichardR
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

Wasn't sure the pacing fit.  Did like how the child becomes addicted; some games can do that.  

The ending seemed a tack on for me.  There was no hint that the game could absorb people.  Now, if you had a scene where the parents find the girl gone, and when she comes back her hands are dirty...well, what would one think?  You have a setup for the ending.  

Dialogue was too formal and too on the nose.  Short and quick, the way people who have known each other a long time tend to speak.  

Best
Richard
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