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Kill Your Demon by Dena McKinnon - Short, Dark Drama - A troubled man sets out to kill a demon. Only problem, his demon happens to be a man of God. Or is he? - pdf, format
Okay. First things first. I'm almost tempted not to read this as the title page greets me. I'll troop on, but that title page just rubbed me the wrong way. Keep the font between 12 and 14 point courier. No fancy graphics. Standing out from other scripts is fine---unless it's standing out for all the wrong reasons.
The Voice over was alright at first for me, but then as the script progressed I wanted Jon to either actually spea to others around him or better yet, shut up when talking to me.
Liked the use of scrabble,it could have been any other game on game night, but this will do and it works fairly well. Now if those darned voice overs would go away. The final reveal is a slight disappointment. There should have been more hints that the Bishop is a demon The only thing we have going is that Jon may be delusional.
"we pull back" a camera direction. (p1)
What is it with characters staring at themselves in mirrors?
"They called him the Bishop. How he earned the title no one can say" is an odd piece of VO dialog, don't you think? I mean, you are in a church and Bishop Tom is a high ranking member of the clergy, right? Isn't it possible he worked for it? Studied hard for many years?
Spelling errors Ladies first Jon is how you spell Jon's name. Why switch to Johnny in some spelling? Should it be Jonny?
The nine mil (p4) I never liked abbreviations. Besides, it is the only gun Jon has. You can just say 'the gun' and you're fine. (We can assume it is the gun that he put together earlier unless you state otherwise)
This didn't work for me overall. I'm not feeling it.
Very nice display of the craft, attention to detail and atmosphere. Everything was great, and Jon's VOs melted over the visual like butter. My favorite part was when Bishop laughed, but through Jon's eyes it was wildly skewed.
I'm in the grey about the motives, felt like I was being baptized into a deeper, perhaps politically charged, meaning. The use of the game itself proved outstanding because it f'ed with Jon until the end. Psychological, well-written, convincing dialogue - I'm in. Great work! Curious to hear from the author.
I liked this one, but the ending left me confused and unsatisfied. You built up great tension, the writing was insistent. I feel you could've used one less big block of VO dialogue to help the pacing speed along more swiftly. Not sure -- SPOLIER -- why Jon's gun didn't fire, and worse yet I still can't figure out why Jon collapsed to the floor. A little fleshing out, a better ending and you got a good one here.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
A guy going off to kill the local Bishop because he thinks he's a Demon? Good enough for me. Setting also adds something.
Script
Confident, bold opening.
The VO is a little heavy-handed. So much so that it veered into parody territory for me. Especially at the part about the Bishop. It was like time froze just to let him deliver that long VO about the Bishop, and it bordered on the comedic.
The VO really starts getting in the way of the story. It's like the whole story grinds to a halt every few moments to listen to this guy's thoughts.
The ending fell somewhat flat because it is exactly what we were told it would be.
The only way to make it work is by convincing us that John is an absolute lunatic. Having him a homeless drunk/junkie who comes into get help would suit that ending better. You have to be convinced that John is insane to give the ending as it is punch. As it is the audience is 50/50 whether John is right or not, so you only get half the power at the end....it's half expected.
The alternative is to have John kill The Bishop. We discover that he's not a demon, but the real demon is Agatha who has been secretly manipulating the Bishop all along.
John gets dragged off by the Police, we see Agatha eat one of her home-made cakes straight off the table with her long tongue.
Overall it's OK. It needs to go deeper to really make the grade.
Build the feeling of filth and pestilence that John thinks he can sense. Maybe see more of the Bishop before the game so you can build up on what John thinks of him and especially what he's doing to the town. If you really absorb us in the sense of the town's decay, and the sense that the Bishop is the focal point of it, this could really shine.
You'd also get more out of that VO, as well, using it to really set the scene and could then dispense with it in the actual confrontation scene, which will significantly improve dramatic tension and narrative drive at that point.
Worth getting into the real blood and guts of it here, I think. There's a story to tell and it's not fully realised yet.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
This feels like part of a bigger story. I think you need more room to really explore these characters, their back stories and their goals. I kinda get what's happening here but not really sure why it's happening. There's still a lot that is left unexplored.
I thought the writing was pretty good and the dialogue had an authentic feel to it.
The first person narration had me smiling throughout this one. Even though the subject matter was serious, it was funny how the guy talked to himself like a Mickey Spillane tough guy private eye. But this story was all set-up with no real showdown. Jon really should have had some kind of back up plan here. He must have known the demon wasn't going to make it easy for him. So, here's another entry that ended too soon.
Cheese out of the gate. Been done a million times before.
'Until the demons came'... made me groan out loud. Change things up. I'm checking the page count at page 2 which isn't good. What is good is that it's only 6 pages.
Bishop, Tom and Johnny... I'm getting a phallic vibe from this one.
Page 4 and it's getting interesting. I think the VO works but the earlier, VO needs less cheese.
OK, I actually liked that in the end. The twist with the bishop was good. Well written too, aside from the early cheese.
Loved the title page, jumps right out at you. Jon is an apt name for this particular strain of Bishop Tom's Congregation, the broken soul of his flock.
Why he held on all these years is most likely part of his programming. I get the sense that Little Johnny was a favorite of the Bishop, and he (Tom) just can't seem to let go of him as any other than a previous conquest of pedophilia... Johnny after all has appeared to keep his mouth shut only when he was supposed to.
The Gospel of John, I feel is the most important Gospel, it resonates a true voice of one 'crying in the wilderness' to be heard. Jon, here... feels it is a matter of life and death that he now be heard.
JON (V.O.) - "Don't get the idea I think I'm some kinda hero. Never did have much use for heroes neither. Nor do I much look the part. Sometimes your number just comes up."
I believe Jon was sent to face his demon but, he wasn't alone; "There was a man sent from God, whose name was John." John 1:6
That which he must face has a deeper root in the corporeal structure however... this is the 'Fallen Angels' land and God is not allowed. Bishop Tom most likely has a few more demons assigned to him than Jon would care to imagine and, Jon brought the wrong weapon to this fight and failed miserably.
He failed to understand the true meaning of why he suffered. Perhaps, Jon's demon was there to give him purpose, a belief that there's a pure life away from the church he frequents, if only he'd go looking for it, but he murdered that purpose when he lost his faith in believing his demon was stronger.
This has a great film noir vibe, I really enjoyed it.
Another scrabble script Cool title and I like funky title pages.
Not a great logline, but I'm not good at them either.
Only beef I have is that the end didn't delivery. Must've been in a super big hurry and there wasn't enough conflict between the Bishop and Jon. I like that there seem to be deeper messages buried all in this script.
Have to admit, it felt really nice to see a lower page count. Seems every script I've read so far has been 12 damn pages.
I liked this, though I must admit when I opened the file the title page near scared me half to death. I like different title pages/fonts but in black and white - that was a bit of overkill for me. Each to their own...
Your story is inventive and very creepy. Jon's the whack job, right? Hence the prescription meds his own sermonizing etc. Took me till the end of the script to realise that. Duh. On screen I'd be on it, don't worry.
Hope you don't mind me offering a few suggestion:
stares at his own reflection - might sound better reaches over to the passenger seat for a bible (lying not laying) if you want to add to it - still a bit clumsy. I'd stay present tense with: they call him the Bishop (instead of called) How he earned that particular title no one ever did say. (no one ever says, or no one knows)
Up to you, of course. Tis a first draft and probably rushed up to a point.
JON appears to all of a sudden not speak as well as he did in the opening?? He speaks as an educated man in the first part. Deliberate? Not sure that worked for me.
Along those lines, would he really use a word like: exhorting when he also says: 'I seen...' bit of a mix of characterisation imh there. Ladies first. world/word?
I think you miss an opportunity for a great visual with Jon recalling the 'lizard' and the 'devil's tongue' - showing it instead of speaking of it in the past. Ah-ha, I see you make up for it in your denouement.
raise their head (s) plural his last visual: (take out those words and see if they're even needed.l)
This was really good. I enjoyed this very different tale around the 'game' theme. I do think however you could add to it a bit.
Well done for bringing something different to game night.
Those pesky kids down the road did. They were throwing cans at me. Missed me completely. I think some of them might have been empty.
I would have liked to have known what Jon looked like.
He lives in a normal neighbourhood. As opposed to a nutty one?
The start irked me a bit. I blame these underpants. Far too tight. Anyway, I'm fairly sure they didn't have guns and the like back in the days they were writing scripture. Just knives and swords, so I doubt they'd call them arms.
As I said, my pants are far too tight so I may be judging too harshly. Just seemed to undermine the opening gambit too much for me. Like that fecking badger did to my shed. Black and white barstard.
I didn't get the bit about Bishop Tom. So I presume he's not a bishop, but he's giving sermons strong enough to loosen his teeth?
Overall not bad. Bizarre but I quite enjoyed it. Needs more at the end.
I thought this was great. Seriously! IMHO, you could make this one even more chilling by making Jon being delusional. That's what I thought while reading this. It sent a chill up my spine and I kept thinking that this is what it must be like for those killers that go into some place and kill a bunch of people. They're either insane or on drugs or something and they are convinced that they are doing the right thing. I kept thinking about the Charleston shooting for example.
Loved the V.O. and the descriptions.
Great use of the scrabble.
A couple of typos. Altar not alter. Magazine not clip. Look up the difference.
Am not certain what I think about whether Jon is delusional. When Jon arrives, the Bishop says something like "Are you ready to give me what I've got coming?" I suppose that refers to another loss at Scrabble, but you could also read it as acknowledgment of Jon's mission.
The pills could signify delusion, but he clearly was not off his meds when this happens.
If Jon dies at the end, is the Voiceover from the Afterlife? If so, is he still delusional?
The tongue thing reminds me of the monsters in "The Strain" TV series.
The subject matter is age-old territory, but the ambiguity here (intentional or not) comes off as a plus.
The voice overs don't work for me. I think you can create much more tension by not giving us his thoughts. Work out a visual way to show us that this crazy man thinks the Bishop is a demon. And work out a better solution than a pistol. Oh, btw, it's not a clip, it's a magazine.
If you can work out a way to keep the audience guessing as to which one is the demon, you have an even better script. A little confusion in this one goes a long way.
Jon was pretty humorous with his paranoid internal monologue. I liked that. The serious tone he strikes early on followed by his neighbor asking where he was going in the morning and his response of "game day" made me laugh.
The writing was good early on. Good descriptions of Jon entering the church. Most of the dialogue as I said was great too.
The scrabble game was a bit hard to understand however. Partly because it's scrabble I guess but also because the descriptions become clunky. For example, "sober from the �r� in roar." I'm not really sure what this means.
But the scrabble game really clicked at the end when the words "kill your demons" becomes spelled out. Genius and funny at the same time! Is Jon crazy? Is this all legit? Great development.
However, after that it appears the script was finished in a hurry. It ends quickly. The writing is looser. A stronger ending would have helped the whole script a lot.
But I like this. Very creative take on the premise and on this type of paranoid crazy person story in general.
Ooh - definitely one of my top five! Forgive the truncated review, but here are a few notes. Very well written, great writer's voice. Just a few polishes I'd personally add:
Though not standard, LOVE the title page (kind of makes me suspect who it might be, before even reading a line)
p. 1 delves or divvies?
p. 2 Shakespeare reference- cool!
P 2 Extra space before giant crucified
p. 3 Ready to give me what I got coming? Ooooo - nice foreshadowing!
Jon's VO and voice masterfully written! Kudos!
Maybe some last line from both a dying Jon and the triumphant Bishop.
Oh... and I just read the other reviews. I agree with Pia that having Jon be a BIT delusional might make things even more pressing. Is he right - or terribly wrong?
I LOVE the cover page letter style too! Why can't I ever figure out how to do stuff like that. And, to those who get flustered by stuff like that are not with the times as far as screenwriting goes.
Really liked the title page but I'm sure most wont.
As for the story, well I liked it. Jon's paranoia about Bishop Tom had me guessing as to whether there was any truth in it...and still does. The ending had me wondering it that's how it really happened? Did Tom really stop the gun from firing or was it Jon's imagination again? Maybe I'm reading too deep.
I did wonder if the fact Jon barely responds to Tom might be seen as odd by Tom himself and Agatha? He talks to 'us' but rarely to Tom when asked questions?
I also liked how you didn't force this to be longer, you didn't add filler to get the page count higher.
Overall, I enjoyed this.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
The VOs work. The introvert journey of Jon is interesting to follow. Although I think two or three dialogue blocks less, in the middle, could be better. Jon's last decision, between just staying away from the bishop or indeed go try killing him as he does isn't so clear to me. So, perhaps it's better to go on a bit earlier, so that the audience doesn't call it into question why he faces this demon that he's same time describing that detailed in biblical manner.
The visual climax is the best part anyway, liked all of it there.
Nice noir feel here. Writer knows his job. It was building up pretty well and I was wondering how it would end.
Ending was ok but I felt like it needed something with more oomph. What that might be I don't know but well written and a cool little take on the challenge
I'm with Pia on this one. This is solid writing, probably the best I've read so far of all the entries. It's very visual, even with all the voice overs. It's one I could see filmed in some grainy tones. A lot of dark images. The only problem in it would be the SFX you'd have to do with the tongue, but that's a fairly easy thing to address, I think.
My only problem with this is the ending - as others have mentioned, I'm not quite sure what happened with Jon. I don't think the Bishop shot him, so I don't know why Jon fell to the floor looking at the gun. I assume he dies shortly thereafter based on the line "his final visual". If you can just clean that ending up, I think you have a real winner here.
Oh, and I loved the title page. There is nothing wrong with having something that stands out like that, especially in today's world.
My scores (out of 5) Concept: 5.0 Story: 5.0 Character: 4.5 Dialogue: 4.5 Writing: 5.0 Overall: 4.8
Good Job! Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
Overall, I felt a little let down by this. It was building up pretty nicely and then the end felt rushed. Far from a bad script, it just didn't deliver what I thought it was going to. Also, personally, I would dial back the VO. There's a lot of it here, some works, a lot doesn't.
A special THANKS to Kevin Lenihan, even though he isn't here on the site anymore, he helps me with every piece of writing that I write. He is responsible for a lot of my dialogue too, because he is so kind to not only read for me, but to make really really helpful suggestions. I could not do it without him. Just want to give him credit. He is my go to for everything writing related.
Thank you, Pia. It still needs some work, but was a fun script to write. I just wanted to experiment with a deeper character. And I tried to parallel deeper meanings throughout this script...some were picked up by readers, some not...
Really appreciate all the reads from you guys too...really helps us grow as writers.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Thank you so much... you aren't the only one that wanted more info to whether Jon was insane or not but when I wrote this...I wanted that part to sort of be a mind fuck to the reader. There were some deeper veins running through this one that I hoped would make the reader think a little while still being entertained. I may've failed though because it obviously didn't get voted on very much but that's ok...but just to point out some of the things I thought of while writing:
This piece is about a guy that's on meds...so WE assume he's mental, right? Well, maybe WE shouldn't be so quick to judge.
Also, a preacher is the last person you would think could harbor a demon or even be one...a wolf in sheep's clothing so to speak...so I wanted to toy with that a little.
I also told it in a strange tense ...like not many people pointed it out but his VO is like he's telling it after it happened and if that was the case, then he'd be telling it from beyond. Nobody really picked that out, except Kevin, but I chose to leave it this way just a choice I guess.
Anyway a little bit how my crazy mind worked while writing this. There was even a quote from Shakespeare in there about the rose....which we all know a rose is beautiful but it has thorns...just my crazy thoughts while writing. Guess it was too deep for most ...reason it didn't get any votes.
KILL YOUR DEMON was filmed over the weekend! In post now and will show on the big screen at the Short Film Showcase at the Sun-Ray Cinema on the 26th of January! I'll post the film link as soon as we are done with edits. I did rewrite the script so it will feel a bit different from this original...as this has become a feature project thanks to SS and all the great feedback.
The Dean had over a dozen people come together on this project, which shows again her ability to build a team. Part of that is people want to work with her, but also she has great story sense, and her story really excited people about the project.
I can't wait to see it either. I thought this one was great from the start and I'm sure Dena rewrote it into something even greater. Go Dena! You can do it, just believe in yourself!
Seems like there are a lot of plot holes, stuff just happens to pull the story along.
And I agree with the last line, how did he know, and why did he kill the other priest?
Just left me confused.
Also the constant looking up at the gunman seemed like an odd thing to do, not very stealthy.
And how did a trained killer who had the shot and advantage let this guy kill the priest?
Edit, just read an earlier post that said this is about a guy on meds so we assume he is mental right. I would assume if he is on meds he would be controlling or at least trying to control his mental illness. Seems like an odd thing to say. It's comments like that that stigmatize mental illness.
Quoted Text
Also, a preacher is the last person you would think could harbor a demon or even be one...a wolf in sheep's clothing so to speak
Had a bit of a chuckle at this, yeah who would ever suspect a preacher to be a wolf is sheeps clothes? Really, we are talking about the church here.
Hi Dena, I love how you used scrabble like the ouija board to confront the demon, and I wonder why the actual film changed so much from the script and completely left the game out.
Like many have pointed out the scipt ended leaving the readers wanting, and the film seems to be even lacking in the finale. I still enjoy reading it tho.
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Kill Your Demon - OWC - Filmed!
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