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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  Favorite Game - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Favorite Game - OWC  (currently 3250 views)
Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Favorite Game by Richard Russell - Short - A man uses games to try and win back his divorced wife. - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 12th, 2016, 7:39pm
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Gary in Houston
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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Quick thoughts on this:

Wasn't really a story surrounding a game, was more a script with the characters trying to cram as many old game references as they could into their dialogue.  Wasn't a lot pushing the story forward because the dialogue was too obsessed with using the game puns. The ending was a bit of a jumble (see what I did there?) as the reader tried to figure out exactly who got shot.  Instead of focusing on that ending, it felt a bit rushed to a conclusion.

Ratings (out of 5):

Concept: 2.5
Story: 3
Character: 3
Dialogue: 2.5
Structure: 3
Writing: 3
Overall: 2.83

Good luck!
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Stumpzian
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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A winner in my book. Excellent top to bottom. No false notes. Game references did not intrude because they were handled in a natural manner. You have to imagine them spoken as part of dialogue. And Milton Bradley -- ha.

Props to an excellent writer.



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DanC
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Sorry, but, I didn't care for this either...

The object was to make the game central to the story.  It was supposed to be vital.  It wasn't.

I actually found it a bit confusing.  Why did he take the photo?  What was the purpose?

What about the double and triple dealing, that was all handled very fast and abruptly.  

Overall, the dialog was good, the story was interesting, but, it sure went from one genre to another on a dime...

5/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Hunter
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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I loved the lines "Remember what Twister lead to?" "I tried to forget." I also loved how the dialogue matched the Jenga game, and all of the references to Chess.

Bradley fires the first shot, I believe, but Milton doesn't seem at all surprised. I thought it was someone he had hired to shoot at first.

Make it more clear who kills Jeannie, because you don't actually say, we just have to assume that it is Milton.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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SAC
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Pretty good effort here. I was amused by the dialogue and all it's references to the board games. This felt bery noir-ish that way! The writing is good, and it had a decent pace to it, but got a tad slow. Things did get a bit confusing once the killings began, but I stayed on track for the most part. The one question I wanted to be answered was -- what is Alladins Dragon and why is it worth so much? What significance does it carry. Almost like a MacGuffin but it never materializes. So this left me feeling a bit unsatisfied, but this is a short challenge anyway.

Overall, a decent effort.

Steve


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Grandma Bear
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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I both liked this one and didn't at the same time.

I liked the premise here and the many twists. However, I think there might have been one or maybe even two twists too many at the end. It felt like an old TV show that didn't quite want to end.

I also thought the dialogue was a little too long and sounded like Milton and Jeanne were more like in their seventies. I would've preferred it to be just a tad edgier than this pretend upper class stodginess.

I liked the idea though and definitely think it could be rewritten into something a little snappier.


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irish eyes
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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They played Jenga and that was instrumental to the first few pages, so you covered the parameter there.

Mentioning board games in the dialogue throughout was pretty clever.

Overall not a riveting read, but was not bad either.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Just my opinions of course...

So, I liked the banter and the ending action with all the twists but I wasn't a massive fan of all the game references, didn't seem to fit the latter portion of the script imho.

SPOILER

No entirely sure why Bradley killed both of them?

Decent effort though.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Trojan
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 12:39am Report to Moderator
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I wasn't sure if this was meant to be serious or not, with all the references to different games. Then with all the shootings and fake shootings at the end it seemed more like a parody than anything else of these types of stories.

Was a bit dialogue-heavy in the beginning with not a great deal of action happening, and I found it a struggle to stay engaged with the story as I didn't really know what was going on.

Competently written, just didn't really do it for me.
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Gum
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 3:28am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

You missed one, a game I used to play back in the day... Mastermind!

That about sums it up for me... you clever bastard, er... unless you actually are an illegitimate child, then I'm sorry... you clever bastard.

I will go on to say that the last few pages sent me for another read but, in the end it was all good, and I did catch the gist of what took place. Good writing and a very solid entry for this OWC.
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eldave1
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Well - the characters were Milton-Bradley - so I should assume all the game references were coming.

Clever in parts and a bit tedious in others. The coming back and forth from the dead didn't so it for me.

You have a great sense of dialogue and for the most parts I loved the "way" your characters spoke but got derailed by the strained references to Board games. I think this could have been an A+ had you stuck to the log line and just did the dialogue straight up.

There is talent here. The script just veered off for me.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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No genre?
You put a lot of thought into this.
So many game references:

MILTON
You were everything to me.  You
held a monopoly on my affections.
JEANNIE
Balderdash.  Money was always your
guiding light.

And so on, and so on... touché.
Clever, and well put together but imh it lacks heart. I just don't feel I'm connected to any of the characters, care if they live or die etc.

Entertaining, but a bit too clever in its design. Also the 'game playing' was between themselves - playing their own game against each other with a little token Jenga thrown in to satisfy the challenge requirement.

Good effort nonetheless.


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wonkavite
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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Short review:

Oh God.  The references really made me giggle on this one.  Plus, the men being named Milton and Bradley?  I'm so embarrassed that it took me awhile to catch on there.

Not too much to say.  I really paid more attention to the lines that were sneaking into the dialogue rather than the story (aka McGuffin), which was pretty straightforward.  I THINK this could be tightened up a bit  - perhaps even make it more Maltese Falcon noir -  but otherwise, fun and goofy!  

Kudos and cheers,

--J (W)
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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favourite game

logline - quite like that, throws up a curious juxtaposition - i wonder how you will pull this off

lets see..

a lot of thought into this and much works, but like salt in food, seemed to go too far. intelligent writing though.

in essence this is a tactical  game largely focused around chess moves (who plays that around here i wonder) and to me that works - within reason - and should be more of a focus for the script. e.g. they play together and only later do the moves they describe then get played out like a parallel version

the inclusion of the third person slightly changes this all i wonder whether a revised one should just include the two of them?

all the best



My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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