Code JEANNIE I won’t flatter your Sherlock Holmes self-image. Enough of this Ruy Lopez opening, why am I here?

Ooh. Impressive.

Code He calmly closes the door without exposing himself.

Good thing too... think of the neighbours.

OK, I'm getting kinda lost. The story has gone all over the place. I can see what you're doing with the back and forth, but it's a little confusing to read at present. Could do with some extra clarity.

With a rewrite this could be quite good. I like the 'backward pawn' line at the end. So often a target, yet, in the right circumstances, can also win a game.

One of the smarter scripts, but lacks a little in clarity around pages 7-8.

Great writing. The game references kept coming didn't they? Might be making up for the entries with little or no connection to games... 27 OWC's and 38 games, more han enough to share

I too had to go back and re read to find out who shot who, how did it happen. Still confused.

Some great lines in the script, some of the games were incorporated seamlessly in the dialogue, but others were obviously forced.

Good potential with a bit of re working, and perhaps a few less games.

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It talked so much it gave the boring bone a sore throat....and he hasn't even got a throat.

Seems like there could be a decent story under all those layers of yak, though.

Keep the good chat, lose the rest. Focus a bit more on character actions and reactions, and it might not be bad.

Some of the dialogue was very good, but it felt like the death of a thousand cuts.

Had no idea about the game references till I read earlier comments lol. Not sure what Jenga is either!

Writer knew what he was doing but again the chars were just mere caricatures and I had no feel for them. Pity it wasn't set near the ocean so the BLOB could get them

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There's a lot of talk building the exposition. Insurance, Alladin Dragon, filmmaker Bradley. They shouldn't tell about the plot which decides the story later, rather live it. Feels as if they're constantly talking about things off screen while I don't get to know them by their actions. Good tension in climax then; just didn't feel complete as a whole yet.

D+

Tantrix,

Pretty good job with this one. The story was good, quick read and for the most part enjoyable. I think it could be trimmed, especially the start with the couple bickering back and forth a little too much. The use of board game titles in the dialogue is clever but over done IMO. It ends nicely though and each of the twists caught me off guard, so congrats on that.

Nice work,

Glenn.