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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  Sugar Pie - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Sugar Pie - OWC  (currently 3065 views)
Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sugar Pie by Dustin Bowcott - Short, Thriller - An old flame pays a visit. - pdf, format


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Don  -  March 12th, 2016, 7:41pm
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Stumpzian
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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So the "game" is what, Russian Roulette? Am flipping the board on this one.



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irish eyes
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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What the hell did I just read ????

There's always one.

I don't recall Russian roulette as a Friday night family game, maybe at Charles Manson's house

I guess the intro was the lead up to why he likes other men or something.

Can't rate this at all.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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*Spoilers*

My only question is - did Klem plan this or was it an opportunity taken?

Stephan didn't come across like a closet homosexual in the beginning - it was kinda oddly funny - reaching for the tissue we probably have a good idea now of what he's looking at. So the subtext is there, but the motives could be better defined.

I guess at the moment when Stephan is faced with being found out, it can be determined what kind of story it is, but I still didn't figure it out. Written well though, everything's clear. Good job.
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SAC
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Writer,

Okay. Russian roulette. I'm getting used to all these entries that don't actually have a board game, family game night, which was all in the outline of this challenge. But still, this was very good. Confident writing, good pacing and an ending that lived up to the writing. Not the best thing since sliced bread, but this was pretty good considering.

Nice job, just off on challenge parameters.

Steve


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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A few thoughts, just mine own, take em or leave em

Sorry but no female character is ever gonna say 'it's homo' or 'poop comes out of there' unless they're like 12... in fact they both talk like they're actually teens.

They're married and approaching middle age, and this is how he broaches anal sex, surely it's come up before? At least Stephan's reaction is authentic

Jeez that took a dark turn...

Not sure this really fits this OWC but I did like where it went...

I think the intro dialogue needs re-writing to reflect an older couple but I though this was decent as a script, if not an OWC entry


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Ryan1
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 1:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SAC
Writer,

Okay. Russian roulette. I'm getting used to all these entries that don't actually have a board game, family game night, which was all in the outline of this challenge. But still, this was very good. Confident writing, good pacing and an ending that lived up to the writing. Not the best thing since sliced bread, but this was pretty good considering.

Nice job, just off on challenge parameters.

Steve


There wasn't anything in the challenge rules that said it had to be a board game or family game night.  Just any kind of pre-existing game.

Well, this was a strange one.  I appreciate the brevity, but I think the story could have used some foreshadowing as far as the whole orphanage thing.  We had to get all that through expository dialogue from Klem.  As far as the whole "buggery" thing(writer's gotta be a Brit), seems like Theresa would have noticed those tendencies in Stephan a long time ago, given their ages.  Didn't really buy Theresa just walking out on that crazy scene.  Anyway, I give the writer points for going a little out there, but the story lacked depth.    
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cbead
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 2:12am Report to Moderator
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i liked the writing and the heightening tension to the ultimate finale. Edgy and raw.

Echo the others here, the whole opening seemed to be out of the blue for a mature couple... Although to be fair they probably haven't been married for long, given Stephan and Klem knew each other before Theresa came along. Which actually adds another most unsavoury subtext to this story. Klem is 19 now... How old was he when he left the orphanage? How old was he when Stephan was calling him Sugar Pie?

I didn't really get that Theresa would try and kill Stephan given the opportunity, but hey if she now knows a horrible truth then it is certainly feasible. Ditto the final act from Klem.

Edgy and well written.





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LC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 2:18am Report to Moderator
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Sugar Pie, Honey Bun...

You got me singing that now.

And, yes, as Ryan said, (and I on other threads have said) this does meet the criteria.

Having said that, this 'story' could have benefited from much more set-up and using the full page quota to make a proper impact. As is, it reads a little half-hearted in terms of commitment to the story you set out to write. At least if you'd had Klem sit back and announce: 'right, the three of us are going to play a little game' - it just felt rushed, the whole thing. Russian Roulette is fine in my book btw, I thought there might be a few entries of that nature.

Re the topic of ... (look away now if you're squeamish about explicit sex acts) - anal sex. In heterosexual relationships it's pretty common place, so I think your set up could probably work more effectively from a different angle. I did think from your opening scene that the story was going in an entirely different direction - not exactly sure which one, probably sex wars between a couple and incorporating some competitive game with reward, but nevertheless.

This has the basis of being pretty good but it needs far more substance added to the story and honesty as well as far as the characters go, and less of what now just comes across as verging on sensationalism.

Give a serious subject the treatment it deserves, that's what I reckon.

If I took a stab at who wrote this I'd say...

Well, I'm not telling now, obviously.


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Trojan
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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Was a quick, breezy read.

I didn't buy the wife being so willing to kill her husband. And it seems like it's a long time that this happened, so why has this kid all of a sudden showed up now?

Felt a bit rushed, but decent effort.
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wonkavite
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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Wow - ANOTHER one that I felt was written on a pro level, but didn't fit the contest bill.

The good/great news: very well written and constructed.  I can *totally* see someone picking this one up asap.  (Though  - one teeny tiny nitpick here - how did Klem "get" the wife?  Just by shocking her with something she doesn't know?  If there was something more personal on that side, there'd be yet more emotional impact - IMHO.)

The huh? news: Unless you *really* want to twist the concept of Russian Roulette, this doesn't fit the contest criteria at all.  How is this family game night?

Which doesn't make this script less than great on it's own merits - it definitely is.  Just not a pick for the OWC.

Cheers,

--J
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Gary in Houston
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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I'm with the others in that Russian Roulette doesn't fall into my definition of a "game" per se, but I'll overlook that and focus on the story. The writing's solid enough, the dialogue is okay - could use some work. But the ending to me doesn't make a lot of sense - he's holding on to one bullet with the expectation of what? If the gun is taken away from him, the plan fails (I suppose if the person who got the gun was smart enough).  So I didn't buy the ending as believable.  Also, his prints are already on the gun from earlier. Picking it up with a handkerchief isn't going to change that just because the wife picked up the gun also.  If he'd wiped the gun with the kerchief, then he'd wipe away her prints too, so the ending needs reworking.

Concept: 3.5
Story: 3.5
Character: 3.5
Dialogue: 3.5
Writing: 4
Overall: 3.6

Good luck!
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Gum
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 11:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

A strange love triangle with quite the twisted tale of revenge. It's very well written in a sense that, it incorporates a back story worthy of its own script.

In the end, Klem states he "Got them both", which took me out for another read but, I realized Theresa stole Stephan away from Klem when she began working at the hospital, hence the vengeance he (Klem) had for them both. Theresa as the seductress and Stephan as the man of empty promises.

Well, not really a whodunit cause you spelled it out for us, so I don't get any points for telling you what happened cause you already know what happened but, why Russian Roulette? Klem could have shot himself in the head on the first --

OK nope, I read it again. Klem palmed the bullet to ensure Stephan would break and eventually spill the beans about his and Klem's homo-erotic past. I found it too convenient that Theresa would intervene to ensure the last chamber was not clicked into place and Klem wouldn't shoot himself in the head... cause then they'd really have a mess on their hands, and Stephan already used up the last of the tissues to clean up, cause he was probably looking at asshole-shenanigans-dot-com after he clicked off the job ads (being Theresa doesn't play that game) but, Klem probably did all those weeks, months, years, etc... that is, before that bitch Theresa came around... I'm glad she left, their relationship was really going nowhere.

Twisted script and a cool little mystery, just not sure Russian Roulette fits the theme.

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DanC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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It was crude and it all died in nicely...

Nice name s o domy  spells sodomy, the topic of your story...  Kinda...

It was hard to read...

I recall from the DeerHunter that people did that in real life, but, you didn't have the bullet in the chamber nor did you have him spin the chamber...

Sorry, but, if you had followed the rules of Russian Roulette, I'd be fine, but, you didn't.

4/10


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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eldave1
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure Russian Roulette meets the criteria - I am going to mull that over and come back to this for final decision.

Solid writing for the most part and the overall premise was unique - that's for sure. However, I did have a problem with the opening scene.

WARNING - GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION AHEAD

The attempted anal came to fast (no pun intended). She's in cowgirl position and in a instant - flipped over, pinned and he's - um penetrating I suppose. World class gymnastics. Her reaction (dialogue) to the attempted anal didn't strike me as realistic.

This scene is pivotal to the rest of the story and IMO, needs to be done in a more realistic manner. For example - he rolls her over - kisses her on the nape of the neck - does her traditional for a bit and then goes South. She uses her hand to wave him off - he complies at first and then tries again. At that point she simply says stop - get off and walks away from the bed. Then the dialogue - but even that should be more in the vein of you know I don't like that.

Anyway - that was the only major hiccup in the writing for me. Other part of the story were strong. Now I need to mull over the OWC parameters to see if this one passed the theme.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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