Some notes.
Russian roulette is not a board game, but it can be a game…a morbid one.

I didn’t much like the first scene until his proclivities raised their ugly heads at the end.  I do think you need a better setup for Klem and the home.  Without that, it seems to be a payoff with no setup.

That she picks up the gun in the final scene is too big a coincidence for me.  Klem can’t know that ahead of time.  So, he has to devise a better mechanism for her getting the pistol, and he has to find a way to get her out.  He can’t depend on her running out because it’s convenient for him.  And why shoot the man he loves?  Especially after he’s driven her away.

So, I’m not wild about this one.  Too many coincidences for me.  

Best
Richard

Quoted from Stumpzian So the "game" is what, Russian Roulette? Am flipping the board on this one.

All right, sorry I got mad and flipped the board over. I still don't think this version of RR qualifies, but I'll comment anyway.

The writer has a skilled hand. Well done.

Changes? I'd give the wife an undercurrent of anger somewhere so that her willingness to shoot her husband is more believable.

S.O. Domy. Not someone you'd want to meet in a dark alley. We'll be talking pillars of salt soon.

Hmm, opening page sets the agenda.

The plot with Klem seems a little too reminiscent of a certain scene from the Sixth Sense. No, not that one. Mind you, it quickly changes into something else.

It's well written. By someone who knows what they're doing. But I can't say I enjoyed it. It's rather like watching Tom Hardy in The Revenant. You keep wishing he'd suddenly take a turn and stop being quite so nasty all the time.

R

The ending is ill devised and too coincidental. There's no way the kid could have known the woman would throw the paperweight when she did. Just doesn't gel right.

Probably be OK with a rewrite.

Sugar pie

Logline - simple doesn't say much, but let's see..

How ridiculous - you include your email address. Well eff me

Sound work. I'll guess Brit writer.

There is quite a lot of back story told, as there needs to be, and the end with the bullet seems a tad out of the blue. How did he know she would interrupt and take the gun etc! If not, this doesn't come across as siezing the moment, rather more calculated.

The first scene sets up his predisposition and may be could have been had been done differently but we get the idea. Where they work etc comes out of the blue, so some foreshadowing etc would be useful

But the concept of a man abusing another whilst in care, and setting up a love triangle later with an emotionally damage adolescent is sound territory.  Perhaps not a bag of laughs, but tense drama. Also, it's largely contained in the house so film able.

One to work on but good potential.

Yeah cool little story that seemed hurried at the end. Didnt technically fit the challenge but it didn't go over the 12 page limit so kudos for that! Lol

I'm with eldave on the gymnastics involved in the opening scene. The old hogleg would get a decent bend in it if he flipped her over face down straight from the pelvic saddle  

Anyway it was written well, just needs a tweak.

Well written and all, but left me with a lot of questions.

Why is Klem described as a meth addict? Nothing he does seems to have anything to do with that.

Why is he coming back for Stephan now? This doesn't seem like a love story with jealousy baked into it. At least not to me. Stephan went on the computer to watch porn, did he and Klem come across each other  there? I know they had a relationship in school, but I mean now. Have they been meeting up online for awhile? IMHO, this would work better if there were some connection between events other than the anal.

Also, it's pretty easy to see the chambers on a revolver. If they are all empty, well, then you have six empty holes staring at you.

Good job, just make the events not seem so random.

Well...p, that rules out Dustin and Stevie. (Not that it wasn't obvious Stevie wrote Norma Jean.)

Whoever wrote this has a taste for the edgy and provocative. Surely a Brit or Aussie.

Reading the script blind, I would never have guessed the game. But apparently, it's a "game" of Russian Roulette, which I thought was a casino/parlor game.

It was pretty well written, engaging, and edgy. This would never get a PG-13 rating.

9/10

S.O. Domy,

I noticed quite a few ing words that could have definitely been avoided and would have made this a better read. Other than that, the story is pretty good. The twist was decent, although I had an idea it was going to finish like that.

Good work.

Glenn.

"pins her face to the bed": read odd to me. Right out of the gate, there's rough sex.
With that opening, I was kind of expecting a throway nod to some of those ''erotic thriller' soft core B films that were let loose upon the public like any 9 1/2 Weeks knock off. Or maybe the recent bleh known as The Fifty Shades Of Grey.

Yeah. Role-playing mind/sex games. Hokey-dokey.
Some folks got some vices I 'spose.

But alas, it's just a broken hearted ex-lover looney named Klem. The game is...what, exactly? Is it a role play of some kind? Coming to knock off Stephen at this time seems like a waste of time. Wish I knew more.

Script overall is goiod, but the ending I'm not sold on. Klem isn't a psychic. He could not predict Theresa's actions.  And why wait until she's gone? He doesn't really "have them both".
Unless he and Theresea are in cahoots and it's a bizzare murder game to play on Stephen?