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This is now the 4th script where there is a debate about which game to play - In all of the others - and this one as well - I don't think the debate moves the story and it is not needed.
Okay done.
One of my favorites so far - well paced, believable dialogue and a delicious ending. Nice job writer.
Amy can see she's upset the kids, worries about her Uber
Sitter rating.
Not a big deal... maybe even fun for a director and you to figure out how to send this information to the viewer, but it should really be in the script. Cheating a little bit.
I liked that. Short, simple and a nice shock ending. This would film well, IMO. Nice job.
On the first page, you don't mention that Amy is there until after a line of dialogue.
On page 6, Amy laughs at the kids in a mocking way, even though they are kids she doesn't really know and she knows that they are sore losers. It doesn't seem like Amy is that smart.
On page 7 then, she worried about her rating, which I think she should have thought about on page 6.
Good set up, nice writing, too. I enjoyed it, but it kinda fizzled for me in the end. It's more like it stopped short, without giving us a proper end. I would have liked to see where this went had you taken it further. As is it loses all of the steam you'd built up so well.
This was pretty good, but it felt like the tension could have been steadily increased throughout the story as the babysitter realizes there is something really wrong with these kids. The board game scenes got rather repetitive. I like the shock ending, although logically a 17-18 year old girl would be more than a match for two kids that young. Maybe if it was implied that there's more to Hannah than her age, something supernatural. Anyway, not bad.
A couple of missing words etc so sees a rushed job, but most are and it didn't affect the read. In fact it moved along quite well.
I suppose much hangs...boom boom...on the twist and whether that works. The evil kids etc as written this feels a little out of the blue and as mentioned she would be quite a lot older, but there are other ways they could get her like drugged beforehand
Bringing in hangman, that was a nice touch.
I know scripts aren't always logical, but you do wonder just what the parents will make of a dead girl, or a missing babysitter. Is that an issue, well I think a lot depend on the foreshadowing. I would like to see the babysitter worried outside the house, before entering. Father perhaps weird, mother tries to make up for it. That kind of thing then sets the scene a tad more.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Quick read and I like babysitter stories. Seems like Mom knew that her little tykes had a dangerous streak. Amy couldn't have been the first sitter to go 'swinging' with the kids. Nice ending, although I wish Amy were a tad nastier. Maybe she plays for money and takes the kids' allowance. Well done.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
If not for anything, I definitely picked up some new info tonight. I had no idea about the app or the game.
I can't be bothered to do a search right now but, was Amy gonna' say "is it true Hitler only had one... testicle"? Did he, I mean, didn't he? Cause that would explain... everything! Maybe Mengele cut it out and sewed it up into Himmler and that's why he always had that stupid f*cking look on his face, like he was constipated.
It's a fun, clever script with a very creative take on the theme. I myself have no reservations about taking out an 8 year old if they put a noose around my neck, in fact... I have no reservations about using an 8 year old as a weapon to take out bigger kids either. Unless it actually happened, then I don't know what I would actually do.
Hannah's line of dialog won this over for me. Awesome...
Brutal ending, but inspired idea. Loved the babysitting App and the set up. Like some other 'game' scripts it takes a while to get going. Never heard of the term 'drip white' before for appearance so that's a newie on me.
I like the idea of the kids being bad seeds (ever see that classic movie The Bad Seed? Very creepy) for no apparent reason other than Mom says they're bad losers.
So much more could be done with this idea. Reads rushed to me.
Start with the game earlier, ramp up the tension/threat level earlier and I'd inject a little more cunning/cleverness with the kids manipulating the babysitter. At the moment Amy comes across cool as a cucumber and the one in control. And give Hannah some dialogue - I get that she's engineering things with Brad but I'm not sure having her mute until the end gives her final line any more punch. I also think Amy needs a reason to go the kitchen for that 'glass of water' - (really, a glass of water?) for it to really spark too. Have the kids make her go into the kitchen otherwise it's just too convenient.
'Hannah makes an odd sicky noise.' - Hmm. Does she gag? Not sure you need that line as written. Wouldn't it also be better if the kids specifically choose this game to play instead of saying it's 'boring'.?
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