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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  Tic Tock Toe - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Tic Tock Toe - OWC  (currently 3161 views)
Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Tic Tock Toe by Bill Sarre - Short, Drama - An elderly man plays tic tic toe with his granddaughter resulting in an unexpected outcome. - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 12th, 2016, 7:37pm
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irish eyes
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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The logline says Tic tic Toe... the title is Tic Tock Toe.... the game itself is Tic Tac Toe

Should be interesting

All words leading to an English writer or least not American

I guess your 'Tock' is in relation to time, the main emphasis of the story.

This is very poignant and a beautiful story, a great relationship between grand daughter and grand pa..

Very well executed at the end..

Great job


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Grandma Bear
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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The best one I've read so far. A real story that had game playing in it, but where it didn't feel forced. I have absolutely nothing to offer as far as story or writing goes. GREAT job!!!  


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Ryan1
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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Poignant story about an old man who turns his bitterness into a productive end of life.  Very English.  Nice how it took a game to finally bring together this cranky geezer and his social outcast granddaughter.  Moved slow at times, and I do wish a bit more time was spent on his schooling her in the art of the game, but overall a good owc entry.
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Stumpzian
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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Very well done. One of my favorites thusfar. Perfectly executed. Doesn't go for cheap sentiment. Just tells the story in a way that makes the characters live. Familiar ground, but the game element keeps it fresh. Thumbs up.



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Hunter
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked the relationship between Rose and Sidney. Very well written dialogue. Great story, especially the ending. This is a great one!


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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wonkavite
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Ooooo - so far, my favorite!  (Granted, I think I've read four?)  But this one...

...a very solid, professional written drama. I'm not *100%* sure that "keep losing" is the last line.  Other otherwise, absolutely no complaints.  Great stuff!  (FWIW: I'd throw in a *bit* more subtle flirting with Betty to foreshadow that particular twist...)

Cheers!

--Janet (W)
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SAC
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Great script! I really enjoyed this. Good character arc for Sidney. The pacing was good, and nice wisdom imparted throughout from Sidney and Betty. I liked all of these characters. Not much else to say really. This is one of my favorites by a good margin.

Great work!

Steve


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cbead
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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A heartwarming tale, written well. Very engaging from start to finish.  As I am an Australian, the writing and dialogue felt spot on and was very easy to read. Either a UK or Antipodean author for sure.

Not much more I can add.

Quality entry.


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Lightfoot
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
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This is certainly going on my this of top scripts so far in this OWC, it was a fantastic read, written well and the dialogue was excellent. I'll have to agree with Wonkavite though about  the need of having a bit more flirting with Betty, but other than that I really have no issues with this, great work.
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LC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 12:34am Report to Moderator
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Yep, pretty good.

If I were you I'd specify a PRELAP with Sidney's first V.O. prior to his introduction. Was a little discombobulating, for me at least.
Nitpicking - but grandpas usually say 'young lady' don't they? Of course some wouldn't and it's just a suggestion to go with the characterisation.
Some nice humour with the old guy - liked him swearing and his candour - the young having something to teach the old and vice versa was deftly done. And the 'winning and losing' theme is always a good one, and topical too. Nice work.

P.S. Perhaps VIEWING ROOM or PREPARATION ROOM at the Funeral Parlour, instead of 'COFFIN ROOM' or maybe that's what it's called from where you hail?? I'm with cbead about writer origins but I'd say UK writer here. Not too many of us Aussies about and I'd say the general turn of phrase in dialogue etc. is geared that way.

Let's not forget though OWCs are typical for the writers throwing us off course and pretending they're something/someone they're not.

P.S. Ooh, hang on, I just realised Tim (Trojan) another Aussie has made a reappearance. I seem to remember a strong entry from him in an OWC going back a few years - A school reunion script which was really good. Just saying... I have no idea if this is his. Just mere speculation.  



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  January 24th, 2016, 12:55am
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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 5:08am Report to Moderator
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I don't understand what happened at the end. Time always wins, so keep losing. Winning isn't everything?

The set up is there for the protag to get her revenge on the bully but this doesn't happen. What does happen there? Why intro the bad guy if the bad guy is only there for a fleeting second. She could have simply told grandpa about the bullying without specifying a particular character. With the bully character actually being a visual aspect of this script, I'm left wanting to know what happened.

Aside from that, this is very well written. You can feel the old man's wisdom, so much so that this feels more about the grandpa than it does the girl. Probably written by one of the older members.

Excellent job. A real flair for this type of drama and beautifully written.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Let's get this out of the way: "To assemble the game she has to move a few belongings off the table."

*Spoilers*

So I'm mixed on this - not in terms of quality - but on who the protagonist is. Structurally, it's Rose. Thematically, it's Sidney. In the end, Rose is changed - her face clears up, she's got cool threads, probably a hot catch now. But did she earn it?

On the flip side, Sidney earned everything - his death and his present.

I loved the characterization! Rose gets bullied by girls who play sports and stuff, oh wait... just like you grandpa! Wow, that's a great display on perspective. This short excelled in the subtext dept.

Good short, one I feel needs some reshuffling of the deck.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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Overall, it's a good story with a nice sentimentality to it.  Could pretty much spot the ending coming, but that's okay, as it was still executed nicely.  Probably could be shortened a couple of pages, and I wasn't exactly a fan of the dialogue, as it seemed forced in some places, but other than that, a good effort here.

My ratings (out of 5):
Concept: 4.5
Story: 4
Character: 4
Dialogue: 3.5
Writing: 4
Overall: 4.0

Good luck!
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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A few thoughts...

The Sidney VO threw me a little, is it meant to be in the first scene?

Characters are great and their interaction really well done, but the last couple of pages confused me, wasn't really sure what had happened.

But very well written and I think could work really well with some more work on the ending.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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