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oh, by the way, if you wanted to be really clever with the title, it ought to be: "Tick Tock Toe" as the Tick Tock would better tie in with the time reference you hint at in the story. Just a thought.
Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
A strong effort here - a story that I wanted to complete.
These are nit comments:
Not quite sure the marriage to Betty works for me - it was kind of a hiccup given that there was little in the way of foreshadowing it. Maybe if there was more romance established earlier.
Would have like a little on the old mans relationship with Peter and what it meant to him at the end.
Premise: Potentially very strong. A little girl needs to overcome bullying by learning lessons taught be her tough Grandfather, and he learning how to live again through her struggle.
Unfortunately somewhat convoluted and weakened by an additional element: "Time passes" which came from a tertiary source and effectively undermined, rather than adding to, the core story.
Script:
Immediately one of the better I've read so far. Geography of the scenes is tight. Character introductions are immediate. Characters are clear and identifiable.
I wasn't totally sold on the first transition..."Of course I care". It's natural cinematic use would be to link the opening scene with a conversation between Rose and Sydney. Instead it felt weird because Rose wasn't part of the next conversation. The first amateur beat so far in the script.
Either transition straight to a convo. between Rose and Sydney from there, then introduce us to the Father, the Nurse and the hospital. Or just go traditional and see Rose and her Father entering the hospital. That dissolve you have at the moment doesn't work.
Sidney's dialogue is good.
I think Rosie would need a bit more coercion to talk about being bullied. There would be an accompanying sense of shame, in my opinion. If she was so comfortable in her own skin, that she could talk so candidly, I doubt anyone could bully her, no matter her skin condition.
By Page 7 The boring bone is starting to gnaw, just a touch.
Whose story is this?
Due to the introduction of Rosie at the start, I naturally identified with her, but she's been largely sidelined in favour of Sidney.
By page 11 I'm almost terminally bored. I've had to take the boring bone's chain off and rub him with rose-scented oil to try and calm him down.
It's quite well-written, but I'm just not emotionally involved enough. I don't think a huge fix is needed, but I'm feeling a distinct lack.
I need to feel more about Sidney's desires...either to escape the home, or achieve something before he goes. Or be more interested in Rosie's struggle with the bullies. Or, preferably both.
If it's Rosie's story, we need to see a LOT more about her. Her isolation, her pain, her harrowing treatment at the hands of her tormentors. The majority of it is about Sidney at present. Neither side of the story is strong enough to give it the emotional kick it requires.
Ending came out of nowhere really. That VO was used oddly again as a cross dissolve transition. Didn't feel right.
Overall. Not for me. The parts are there, just not fully utilised or coherent, as yet.
The whole thing was essentially exposition. The whole story could be condensed to Betty telling Sidney one simple paragraph...that is the sole thing that caused Sidney's epiphany...and that shouldn't be the case.
Rose and the bullying was entirely pointless.
The real story should either be Rose learning to overcome the bullying with her belligerent Grandfather's unusual wisdom.
Or the Grandfather overcoming his bitterness and learning to live and love again through Rosie's bold, honest struggle against bullying.
Or both. Rosie reawakens her Grandfather, he stiffened her resolve and teaches her wisdom. They both come back to life.
Those aspects are all there, but they're not quite shining through yet.
The "Time passes" thing introduced by Betty undermines the story. The wisdom Sidney receives should come from Rosie and then he uses that to talk to Betty.
Worth rewriting with a bit more focus on what's really important to the story.
Good effort. Tough premise for a OWC...and that showed...but still a very noble effort.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Warm-hearted, charming story of triumph over the failures. It burned slow as incense I'm afraid but, this writer (as I've come to know) has found that golden template for every single theme thrown at them.
This was well written and I think with a few polishes could be made even better.
It felt like there was a bit of a tonal shift from the point where Rose left and Betty told him about the guy who died. Sidney was portrayed as very set in his ways and that seemed to change too easily at this point. I don't know if I buy that an 80 year old man is going to suddenly realize the importance of time based on this one event, as he'd likely be used to people he knows passing away by now.
Seeing small degrees of change in a character typically is more believable than large change, so the whole getting married thing didn't really fit with the character or the story, at least IMHO. You have a scene where Sidney eats supper alone. I think it would have been fitting to show how he grows by then showing him eat supper with Rose. It'd be enough to show how he has softened and is embracing his situation, and is more plausible without having to jump forward in time to his funeral.
I would have liked to have seen Rose show her own growth by dealing with her bully in some way, using the wisdom Sidney imparted. This would be more satisfying and meaningful than simply showing her to have grown out of her awkward phase, where we don't know how much time has elapsed.
Overall though this was a solid story and a good job for this challenge.
Some notes. The opening isn’t necessary. Rose isn’t going to meet these girls again, and we’re not going back to this location. Open up in the nursing home and get on with it. I like Sydney. He’s the curmudgeon you find in nursing homes. Cranky and crusty. Betty works too. The games don’t seem to me to be all that telling. The death is. Time wins…Time and gravity.
I’m not fond of the voice over at the end. Explains too much and doesn’t add to the last scene. But then, I’m generally not fond of losers.
Overall, a good effort involving multiple generations. I’ll buy it.
Rose hurries out doing her best to blend in with the tarmac.
I remember those days. One of the better lines I've read of late. I must remember it so I can nick it later.
The prelap with Sidney's VO threw me for a minute. Still, I can get confused with the remote for the TV. It'd work on film, the prelap I mean, not the remote. I tried that in the cinema, nothing happened. The batteries might be going.
It's quite good. I think the ending could be better. But I liked the overall tone.
Aside from the rare typo, missing word, and pre-lap written as a VO, there isn't really much I would change. This is my favorite of the two I've read so far.
There's one actor who would have been perfect for Sidney, but he died yesterday. I could totally imagine Abe Vigoda in the role. Maybe Robert Duvall?
Not much more I can add. I didn't notice the title was "Tic Tock Toe" or anything like that until Irish Eyes pointed it out.
Another slow drama. Definitely the prefered genre of this challenge. Perhaps this is why I am so amazed by the quality this time, because, if simplyscripts has one thing to offer for sure, then it is having excellent drama writers IMO.
The win lose dialogues are partly overwritten and repetitive. The plot feels, as many others does, to me, like watching a reality tv show only with "normal" people doing things. The turn and message (liked it) then comes quite late. I really read a lot scripts with an equal structure this owc. And, the characters, here again, are just so extraordinary and emphatic, that this is another
B+
for me
Excellent characters. I believe to cut the story to its essence would blossom it even more. Don't be too slow.
I enjoyed this one. A nice, touching story that, even though it deals with death, makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Really well written and the story was handled with care. Great job!
Bit slow. Bit dull on the screen. I think it has this weakness but hopefully through the photography, music, cutting etc it could be 'jazzed' up - but I will also have a think on this one. Almost needs a ticking bomb - not literally - to add tension
Confusion in the ending - the theme behind this is acceptance. Sidney strives to win and thus alienates himself from the world. Rose is the classic teenage loser, not seeking to win, or more likely resigned herself to losing. Chalk and cheese. So, the conclusions aim is to show how Sidney benefitted from accepting loss, but perhaps rose had benefit from being shown how to play, how to win, to take part.
It's almost a snap shot of what we can learn from playing games - losing, wining, taking part, the struggles etc
I like setting this against time which we'll inevitably lose to, but at the same time have taken part.
Yet, in considering an after life Sidney wanted to take the catalyst with him - the game - as a reminder to let things be. Accordingly Rose's message is to effectively stress he was a better man when he accepted losing. It's the interaction of time winning and him losing that is confusing and I get that, like there re two different messages. I have slightly changed this but will have a think on this one.
Once again thanks, and thanks to don for hosting these.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr