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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  Ready Or Not - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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DanC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Yeah, I agree with the others.  I found this really sad and upsetting.

major SPOILERS

I thought she was gonna live and the whole "ghost like consciousness" thing really got to me...

One of the best ones yet and the use of the game was vital to the story.  It all fit very nicely together...

9/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Gum
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Short and sweet. Read the comments before hand so, unfortunately I was ready for what was coming. Not much to add in terms of feedback not already mentioned except I like it for what it is.

Whimsical yet sad. A good story that fits the theme well.
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RichardR
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This is a well-constructed, moving piece.  Hard not to find it compelling.  I'm no fan of dying children either because it seems like a cheap way to get a rise from the audience.  Toss in the run-over dog and you've got a two-fer.  That said, this is a good little story.  Make the little girl a bit older to explain the voice over and you've got a solid, if predictable story.

Best
Richard
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eldave1
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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Simple - straightforward - no WTF twist - my cup of tea.

I have two daughters so this brought back memories of this game.

Very well done - strong effort.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts

Revision History (1 edits)
eldave1  -  January 25th, 2016, 11:45am
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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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I have to be eased into this type of shit. Really get to know the characters... and there be a real story. A kid dying isn't a story. Not unless we get to know him first.

This has the feel of a writer that's written this type of story before. This one lacks real soul, feels forced and therefore fails for me.

Written well. Just not a fan.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 26th, 2016, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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Ready or Not

There are a lot of writers on this board who can tell such stories. I think it's one of those I know already.

There's always a place for your plots in film industry. That's one of the business' good features. Pure feelings survive any trends. The VOs are heartbreaking.

I'd give it an A.



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ChrisBodily
Posted: January 30th, 2016, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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Reminded me of The Elevator Most Belonging to Alice (little girl + father + harsh realities of life) and figured Bill had written this one, too. Whoever wrote this did an exceptional job.

Very nostalgic. Very touching. Very sad.

I had a feeling she was gonna die, but


Quoted Text
ABBY (V.O.)
Now I’m finally  outta that hospital
and back at home.


threw me off, until I read further. Very poignant and tragic subtext.

Definitely the best one I've read.

10/10


FADE IN:
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IamGlenn
Posted: January 31st, 2016, 6:43am Report to Moderator
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:)

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Heather Starlett,

Nice logline. I'm intrigued.

Jesus Christ. It's Sunday morning! I wasn't prepared for this. This was great, in a heartbreaking kind of way. Sad tales, I find, are the hardest to write without them coming across a little too sappy. You got it spot on here though. I'd like to see this made. It'd be pretty easy to do too. Great job! Best of the bunch so far.

Best of luck,

Glenn.


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wonkavite
Posted: February 4th, 2016, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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I'm so glad this one did so well.  Honestly, it's my *personal* favorite out of the bunch.  O writer, please PM me on this one!  
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Pale Yellow
Posted: February 4th, 2016, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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This was my favorite as well and I am not sure I know the guy that wrote it. Hoping the writer will weigh in....really superb work here IMO.
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Trojan
Posted: February 5th, 2016, 1:02am Report to Moderator
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Thanks everyone for the reviews and feedback. Most of you won't know me but I used to post on here a bit a number of years ago.

I was concerned the story might be a bit too simple so I'm glad most people seem to have enjoyed it regardless.

The title and story is meant to be symbolic of not just the game, but the fact that death can come for anyone at any time, and that there's no hiding from it.

Thanks again.
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DanC
Posted: February 6th, 2016, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Quoted from Trojan
Thanks everyone for the reviews and feedback. Most of you won't know me but I used to post on here a bit a number of years ago.

I was concerned the story might be a bit too simple so I'm glad most people seem to have enjoyed it regardless.

The title and story is meant to be symbolic of not just the game, but the fact that death can come for anyone at any time, and that there's no hiding from it.

Thanks again.


I was really impressed by this story.  I thought it was very well written and man, that ending was so sad.  I hope that we will see you more on the boards.  You're a good writer and don't let anyone tell you differently.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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