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This was just silly, twisted fun. It actually adheres to the parameters, though fir a little while I thought it wouldn't. A few laugh out loud moments got me -- the other board game titles. A few typos in there. Might wanna clean them up. But otherwise not bad. One issue I had was with the ending. Not fully satisfying, kinda leaves us hanging. Still, it was fun.
Comedy - well done, and I hope readers cut you slack. Quite frankly comedy is harder than every other genre and should be accepted in that way.
Now let me read and slag off your entire script....joking...here goes...
Brilliant start - pipes, bravo
Don't need a mini slug of dining room, put it in the main slug
Five years - good line. This feel like a Brit or Aussie writer...I wonder
Butler - nice linkage, and diversion, as we'll as humour
Oh, USA politics...
Finished
I like the idea of desperate men and things go wrong. Can't say why... Anyway, this seems to change tone a tad too much for me, but there some good lines. Gets a bit politics for me, for a script.
Well done for trying. I enjoyed a lot of it, until trump entered it...gosh that sounds weird.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
See you did your research and came across some of the same games I did
Liked some of the banter, and the idea of a niche dating site was clever too... the conceit that he's so desperate for a woman that he'd entertain a white supremacist was good too.
But, then the end seemed to go into a place that I didn't think had really been set up.
So some decent ideas but didn't all hang together for me.
I'm afraid I've got nothing positive to say about this one. Seems like it was written in ten minutes.
You really need to work on spelling, grammar, punctuation etc. This was a mess and maybe that was due to the fact that it was rushed. If not, you really need to pay more attention to the technical aspects of writing.
The story made zero sense to me and the supernatural twist at the end was bizarre as it hadn't been set up at all and was at odds with the rest of the script. The character actions were unbelievable as well, as was the premise. Sorry but it just didn't work for me on any level.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
As stated previously some funny lines, but it did nothing for me except having me think whereabouts in my review was I going to reference Donald Trump.... And then the script did it ! That was my laugh out loud moment!
Ambitious stab at a world on the edge of turmoil, coupled with political satire, what have you. I had some LOL moments with this and, the strange turn of events at the end was imaginative enough.
I managed to suspend disbelief of Tiffany appearing to placate Ben's lonely existence, so why not the arrival of Kaybe?
IMO, I felt it was missing some element of the supernatural to tie it all together, otherwise, it just kind of jumps around with no particular intention... except to murder the offspring of a politician?
I had a hard time with this one. The humor didn't work for me. I do like the premise--get a babe to come to the house and play games. When it boiled down into silliness, I bailed. Sorry.
Busen memo? I had to look that game up, had no idea what it was, and no wonder...
I am so glad that opening was the character watching porn. It was a relief.
Moving on: Something to be said for the acute observation of a bereft or heartbroken character - drinking, wanking, and crying, all at the same time. There's nothing sadder and funnier. But you need more substance and focus and unfortunately this is all over the shop.
There is some nice comedy in your opening - on screen it would probably work - stereotypical slacker humour routine.
But then plot wise unfortunately it all falls apart with a hotchpotch commentary of sexism, racism, Donald Trumpism and I'm not sure even you could decide what your story was about. I lost it at this point as well, sorry. Written in a rush too, if I had to guess, and not enough real game playing.
A young handsome rugged MAN, 35, with a Baywatch body skims
the pool ever so gently. He glances over his shoulder to
see a smoking hot older WOMAN, mid 50's with a body of 25
year old pre pregnancy remove her robe, dive into the pool.
Not a good first action block. I'm already getting the vibe that this writer doesn't know what they're doing. Or, just doesn't care.
Code
MAN (O.S.)
Of course he would, any man would,
clean my pipe.
What? Is this mid 50s woman now actually a man?
Code
masterbate
Seriously?
The dialogue kills it at the bottom of page one. Not my thing, sorry.