Dames with Games

Another "Comedy". Ugh.

Not for me.

Um, there's a kernel of a possibly fun premise in this one: i.e.: blind dates come over and turn out to be monstrous Nazis.  But should the guys still go for a cute, sure thing?

That said - and despite one or two giggles - I really felt this one went far off the rails.  I'll give you credit for a crazy imagination... but the story needs to be tightened up - and really work on a more intellectual level, rather than just go for gross out jokes and obviously inflammatory political comments (not that there's anything wrong with either - in moderation.)  Here are a few notes - hope this helps!

P 1: space after Rita (32)
First impression: a little TOO generic with the descriptions.  Yes, overwriting is bad.  But there’s got to be some judicious poetry in them there lines.  
P 1-2: I’m guessing this was written in Word? Don’t separate Character from dialogue (ie: with Rita at the bottom.)
p. 5: Extra space before Lucy’s bottom dialog
p. 8-9: Reunite Max header with dialogue
p. 9: extra paragraph before “Max”
p. 11: extra paragraph before Family Room slug

This was pretty good for a comedy IMO.

You have a lot of misspelled words but that is expected in these quick assignments.

I have to say that I was in this thing and liking it until the political stuff at the end. It almost felt like a different story at the end.

I wish I could write comedy. Good job!

Hmmm....

Started out okay. Liked the idea of Dames with Games.

Masturbate not masterbate.

I take it you suggest that coming home and finding your roommate masturbating is as normal as  finding them eating Cheetos and drinking beer. I must be getting old.  

I'm not into comedy at all and I imagine it's hard to write because people sense of humor varies so vastly. I was with you though however, all the way to you went off on a political "rant". I guess writing political humor limits you even further. Not only does your script have to be funny, but your audience have to agree with you. Unless you have some sort of counter from the other side that is equally funny.

So, started out okay, then lost focus.

Dames with Games

Oh. May Trump not sue you.

Some laughs I had.

Anti-Racism via satire - not a bad way in general.

C+

I laughed at the opening description w/ Baywatch bod. It didn't go together, if you visualize it - it comes across like porn lol.

The title is killer. I didn't understand the politicial angle, but wanted to. The writing style works for a comedy short. Too bizarre in the end, overall it had vibes of a sitcom every so often.

The HoBo,

Funny in parts but ultimately a tad disappointing. I liked how it opened and we got a sense of who these characters were. Started to go downhill when Tiffany entered and I was done when they began playing the board game. It just became less and less funny to read. If you could keep up the vibe of the first couple of pages while advancing with the story, it could work.

Good luck.

Glenn.