Family

I think those parents are absolutely crazy. It's a shame the boy needs to supplicate such assholes for love. Bitter fate.

I really really truly and more cannot imagine a health system where it comes to money when an ill boy needs helping treatments... just hmm...

In the script the boy loses just everything. He should at least have a friend. The emotions are definitely there but the couple is just too dumb that I think the boy is lost one way or the other. It's too dark that way, somehow senseless to watch.

C-

Another scrabble script ...interesting. Only thing I dislike though about these challenges is that you read so many that have so much of the same ...feels like I'm going to go crazy. But sorry...ranting...now reading.

With the logline, I may try to insert some conflict or something that will draw a reader in a bit more. I'm terrible at loglines or I'd give you an example.

I rather hate the characters except Jake of course. But I do love the story. I think it does hit where a lot of folks are out nowadays with the teenager on the phone regardless of anything...parents fighting over which child to spend the money on...

I think that the conversation in the hall needs to be reworked ...some of that stuff is way over the top unbelievable but I get what you are trying to do here and it works....just needs some rewriting.

There are typos throughout and the dialogue needs going over as well.

Not a tear jerker for me but I like the kid dying while everyone else is going on with their problems...spell 'FAMILY'. Nice touch there and my favorite part of the story.

Good job.

A nice lead in so far...  annoying typos though, too numerous to ignore. Typos happen by accident, we generally try to get it right first time.

Code DOCTOR MARKUS He is already at the limit, anymore and it may do more harm than good. Could even drastically shorten his life span.

Unrealistic dialogue for a doctor.

Code DOCTOR MARKUS But if we continue with the current treatment, it may also give him a fighting chance. As far as we know the cancer hasn’t spread at all, it’s possible for him to recover, but it won’t be cheap.

This seems complete twaddle to me. What current treatment (outside of chemo)?

Code LAURA I think we should choose a different path doctor.

Is that like a witch doctor?

Disappointing. The opening held so much promise. I read some of the comments too and I thought this one might be OK, but, not to be.

Family

Ah ha, that simple game of scrabble at the hospital - what could go wrong, well let's see...

Mother 30, daughter 17 - !!

Ok, there are typos. And yes the characters need to be dialled back, but I liked it.

This has conflict riddled throughout it and a meaningful heart felt plea at the end.

Jessie - is going to a hospital to see a dying step brother who doesn't appear to have done anything bad. Yes, she can be disinterested, but I would probably veer towards scared. I would like the idea of her bucking up during the process and uniting with the boy about the parents behaviour.

The tension of cost versus future, is excellent territory. I would let the issue creep in rather than burst out, a simmering issue. The last dialogue from the mother is too far, this could be achieved in a sentence or two.

If this had been tidy and dialled back, it could have been my favourite.

Keep working at this.

It was definitely a quick read, even with all the typos.  I like the idea of spelling out their feelings with the Scrabble tiles; however, i think the story as a whole left me thinking it had a lot of logistical holes in it, such as the ages between the mom and daughter, the dialogue with the doctor, and the fact that a boy seriously ill (maybe even months from dying) is full of energy and wanting to play a rousing board game.  The sentimentality of the ending comes too quickly and ends the script right there, to the extent you feel like you've just run into a brick wall.

A clean up is needed and some work on the dialogue is definitely needed.

My scores (out of 5)
Concept: 3.0
Story: 3.0
Character: 2.5
Dialogue: 2.0
Writing: 2.5
Overall: 2.6

Best of luck!
Gary

Other than the typos in this (which are to be expected due to the deadline on the challenge....) I really like this one!  Stark, solid drama.  Great characterization..    I have a FEELING I know who wrote this one, though I could be wrong.  It's one on my top picks list.  

Following are a few typo/comment notes.  Hope they help with the very quick polish.

Family

P 1: Exhausted from life – nice!
p. 1: CAP on Laurice
p 1: CAP Receptionist
p. 2: Cap Mister
p 2: Cap second Doctor
p. 2: Cap Mister
p 3: Mashing away at the button – good phrasing!  
p. 3: PLAYING it all day with the staff
p 5: Already “slept” on it?
P 5: I think it’s because you can’t spell.  Great line! Death – it’s what you look like… also good…
p. 6: it should be counted (period)
p 6: Are you kidding me? (cap A)
p. 6: Dad, youR turn
p 6: Bitch line.  Great!!
P 7: spells out fucked (period)
P 7: a long silence (period)

Okay - a ton of typos/grammar issues - looking past that.

The premise is a great one. The fragile dynamics of a mixed family set against the pending death of one of them.  I love that is a theme.

I would have liked the wife's objections to further treatment be a little more subtle/nuanced. She starts out as a good human being and too quickly flips to a money calculating bitch with no empathy for her husbands plight. That was too big of a fracture for me as it eroded the love between them.  

The voice of the teenager was perfect IMO.

I would very much like to see this re-written without the constraints of the OWC as the topic is a very poignant one and I think it would have great potential.