Truth or Dare by P. H. Cook - Short, Thriller - A troubled couple, agree to babysit a boy with issues of his own. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Writer,

Good storytelling! Good writing. You kept it going well with the tension and this creepy little kid. Though how or why he has these powers is beyond me. Doesn't matter, I guess. It was fun watching Brynn and Mike squirm. Liked the ending, but it could've been better.

Overall, good job.

Steve

Very interesting! Jayden was a really interesting character, well-written. Also, I loved the ending and how it ended with "dare". The one thing that I am wondering is, would Mike do that so quickly? I feel like Jayden would have to reveal a couple of more things first.

I don't get how the kid knows everything he does - except I suppose most everyone documents their lives these days online etc., - perhaps he looked at their diaries, cell phones etc. Would she have that kind of appointment listed in her phone? Hmm, don't know- Anyway it's clear Jayden did his spying without you adding to the 'evidence' line with 'in your eyes'  'in the way you interact' - the latter is harder to buy imh and I'd use technology - Facebook/Linkedin etc. to give him the answers. Some people are oblivious to how much they actually post online and have no idea where to draw the line with submitting personal details and private info. Don't even get me started on NSA stuff...

Kind of fizzles out at the end. I think (perhaps you ran out of time?) you could have turned the heat up a bit more on this. I'd advise you add to this, use the entire 12 pages or more if you need it after the OWC, don't overdo it otherwise it'll lose its punch, but definitely give it a bit more.

Not bad though. I love domestic type stories like this with an 'evil' kid who speaks the truth and blows all the secrets. They're always worthy opponents.

I thought this was pretty good. I took it at face value that the kid had some sort of sixth sense to know the things he did, so I had no issues with how he knew stuff.

The ending was a bit flat for me, kind of an anti-climax.

Good job overall and this would make a nice short film.

Great writing, crisp and punchy.

Like others I feel I wanted to know more about why Jayden knew what he knew. But the tension was great. Although the last word was a clever conclusion, the final lead up just fizzled a little for me.

Overall though, one of the best OWC's  I've read.  

An enjoyable read overall.

Creepy kid with abilities to screw up adult lives

Set up a lot tension, although the adults never actually admitted the truth.

Great job writer

A few comments...

Liked this, thought it built well and had solid characters... the 'crimes' were a little predictable but worked within the context of the story,

Jayden isn't really explained, but it's a short so I'll let that pass, he was effective as a dark catalyst.

Good job

Love the title and the logline.

Love the way you handled the character interactions....exactly the way a kid-less pair of adults may act when given a child to watch....definitely a veteran writer here at work.

Dialogue works very well for me. Loved the creepy kid exposing the adults.

Love the play on words/title with the end ...excellent.

Not much to complain about except I'm surprised this hasn't gotten more reads!!!!

My favorite so far!! Great job writer!

Pretty good.  

I thought it moved fast, but, how does he know all that?  

And I thought the wife was nice b/c the hubby's acting like a dick and it's her that sticks up for the boy.

I can see why no one wants to take him...

I don't care for the "all knowing one" stuff with no explanation.  

That's me.

The game was vital...

8/10

I have time to read a couple of scripts so picked this one.

Loved the opening few pages, very smooth writing. It was kind of obvious that Jayden was gonna be some type of 'evil' little shit lol. But it was well written and carried the reader along very nicely.

Like Libby, I'm wondering how he got all this info. Perhaps if somehow it was presaged that Jayden had some kind of mental powers? I thought at first that the electrical storm was gonna make the game come alive or whatever or activate his evilness.

Anyway, a really good job and I picked a cool one to read first.

PS- Monopoly should be spelt with a capital M

Hi writer,

The thing that carried me through this was the dialog. The nuances of their actions were scripted so spot on with the scenario, that I had this strange feeling of watching the story unfold in my own kitchen...

Jayden, with his dark moody eyes and expressionless face is probably the Devil incarnate, lol. Sent to this estranged couples home to put them through the gauntlet of their blessed wedding vows of 'for better or worse'.

Little bugger stirred the pot but left himself wide open and defenseless. He should have just picked on the most gullible and let the good times roll, so to speak. Jayden and the accuser gang up on the guilty one full force, as evil little imps do but, hiding deeper in the shadow of the candle-light to watch his twisted plan unfold...

Unfortunately, Jayden f*cked up. Now he's stuck in a dark room with two very pissed off, betrayed people to contend with. Bet he didn't see that coming.

Never really played much Truth or Dare in my days, especially after the... modeling glue incident.

Fun script. I quite liked it.

Well written, conformed to the rules, dialogue quite good. All that being said it had a fatal flaw for me - I could not see two 35 year olds agreeing to play truth or dare with a kid that they were babysitting. Sorry - couldn't get over this premise.

Quoted from eldave1 I could not see two 35 year olds agreeing to play truth or dare with a kid that they were babysitting. Sorry - couldn't get over this premise.

I had no problem with that at all. I assumed that Brynn and Mike agreed to play it because they thought it would be innocent and kid like in tone.

I thought this one was fine. I would've liked to see a better ending. Not sure what, but it felt like you ran out of time or steam or both.

Some notes.

The setup works for me.  The troubled Jayden and the picture perfect couple.  I suppose the loss of electricity adds to the ambience, but it’s not strictly necessary.

I’m a little put off by Jayden’s knowledge.  I don’t see how he could know such things, and his explanation doesn’t hold water.  I would rather he be making it all up, playing to the fears of the couple.  

The ending leaves too much in the air.  We can surmise that Jayden will get his comeupence, but we don’t see it.  And if the couple could come up with a clever response, a dare that puts Jayden exactly where they want him…

Overall, a fair tale, fairly told.

Best
Richard

As for how Jayden knows these things -- maybe it could be subtly tied to Jayden's mother, the co-worker. She might have heard bits of gossip and passed it on to Jayden inadvertently or on purpose.

I'd plant just a hint of this somewhere but not enough to spoil the kid's dark presence.

Small note: we understand Jayden's sarcasm about "bored games" because it's written in italics. Not so easy when spoken. A skilled actor could do it, I suppose.

Overall, I put this one in the plus column.

Nice effort here. Excellent choice of game. Lots of potential for tension and conflict, but can also escalate quickly enough to meet a challenge with a page limit.

As an OWC entry, I think this was a success. I think you've lived up to the possibilities I've listed above. A lot of my issues with it stemmed from a desire to see more of a long game, ratcheting up the tension with each go-around. That might be difficult to pull off, even in the few pages you haven't used.

At the same time, I think the first truth would've been better placed later on as a turning point in the game, as well as a change in tone from something innocuous and fun to strange and potentially sinister. The two dares that follow are sort of throwaways that don't really set a tone either way. I think it'd be more interesting if you opted for Jayden to lull the couple into a feeling of fun and comfort before he pulls out the big guns. It'd also come off as more of a shock to them when the questions about Mike's phone starts.

The game also doesn't go on for very long and is abruptly abandoned, and while the pun at the end is a nice touch, the ending really isn't earned, given how fast the buildup is. Not to say the buildup is rushed, but there isn't enough here to suggest violence on Mike's part.

Not bad overall, though. Might be worth revisiting/building upon when the challenge is over.

A game console in his hands? Surely a game controller. I'm no expert, but I'm fairly sure you're not supposed to wobble the whole Xbox about when you're playing, do you?

Anyways, apart from that, not bad. One of the better ones I've read so far.

R

Nothing like a creepy little kid to set the mood.  As has already been mentioned by several others, it would add a layer to the story if Jayden at least hinted at where he got this information.  He certainly didn't get these details by their body language.  Maybe both Mike and Brynn left their phones lying around when he arrived.  The charge Jayden levels against Mike is particularly heinous, so i think Brynn would be even more alarmed than she is here.

It might work if he was bluffing that he had some supernatural powers, and then the adults called his bluff.  Really wanted to see this little bastard get what was coming to him.  Smooth read, though.

Truth or Dare


Title: Pretty Generic. But it's upfront and at 'em.

Premise: Couple have to babysit a weird kid, and he knows more about them than they think. It's not bad. I feel there's a lot more mystery and tension you could have got out of it. I also think seeing Jayden scanning out the house silently would have made it all make more sense.

Script: In two minds. It's pretty basic. It's largely expositional, and I fear it's somewhat forgettable. The things he's found out are not things that anyone is really going to care about as these people are strangers to us. The stakes weren't exactly high, and the ending was presented as a kind of huge punchline, but in reality it's fairly flat.

The line about how he knew stuff came across as a false note.

Still, it was quick moving and it didn't bore me.


I think for this to have a bigger future, the stakes would need to be higher, we'd have to see more of Jayden's investigatory and creepy nature, and you'd need to build up our empathy with all the characters.

This is a very well-used trope, so it would need quite a bit more to differentiate it, imho.

Truth Or Dare

Good story. The plot was constantly developing. Only point I didn't get, or better said believed, is that Brynn does not snap completely because of Mike's secret. To me her secret pregnancy/abortion means nothing in comparison. The payoff could've been somehow different imo. The pun at the ending isn't enough on its own yet.

Otherwise there was good tension building throughout. Nice cheeky rascal Jayden is.

B-

At first I thought Jayden was abducted or something. Truth or dare seems like a tempting game for a youngster to play, but it was hard to believe he'd play it with adults.

I though Snapchat photos deleted after viewing? Is Mike like into kids or something? Jayden mentioned something about being with another around his own age, sick stuff, and also gives Mike motive to be violent with Jayden if that's the case.

Not sure what to think of the story, other than it was a quick read. Seemed like Jayden could read minds or something. It's always interesting to see a someone's hidden persona, I think that's why this was engaging to read before the ending.

Code BRYNN CARTER (35). Her looks are her number one thing, perfect hair, perfect make-up, lots of jewelry. She puts plates, silverware and a can of soda on a tray. MIKE CARTER (38), handsome with a well practiced salesman’s smile and trendy clothes, pours wine into two glasses.

Boring. Is it important to the story that they are attractive?

The answer to that question was, no. They didn't need to be attractive at all for this story to work.

This story does work. The best I've read so far.. which probably isn't saying much, is it. Well, OK, it's a good story that I believe will film well. Probably wouldn't win any awards, but it would be satisfying to watch.

Awesomely done!  Creepy, evil and subtle!  Here are a few notes below - but it's definitely on my recommend list... Kudos!  

P 1 playing game plays on a large screen TV (get rid of one of the plays – mix it up!)
P 1 Her looks are her number one thing.  Nice line!
P 2 I’m fine. I like the dark.  Followed by a thunderclap.  Honestly creepy touch!
P 2 Bored games. Nice.
P 3 Are you happily married? Also evil and creepy…
P 4 Okay. Silence of the Lambs references.  Cool.
P 5 Oooooo, the Lucy question.  Nasty!
P 8 OMG.  Great last line!!

Truth or dare

By now you have had quite a lot of decent feedback, so mine won't be any great surprise.

This is a successful attempt at a contained thriller. Perhaps a little well worn in parts, electricity has gone, candles are on, time to sit down and expose the family truths etc Reminds me of a period drama style dinner where family secrets are revealed.

The kid is good and brooding, but as others have said a little undeveloped to the degree it lets the story down. But an easy fix IMO.

On reflection I wonder whether you need two secrets, and would it be a little more tense with one secret, then the game continues to discover whether it is true. I quite like the idea of the kid making it up at the end, if that's possible. An interesting study in belief, confidence, trust and consequences.

All the best with this

There's a formulaic quality that kept me from liking this story right off. Bad kid does a number on the elders.

The writing is pretty good and I do like that the story did not get bogged down with excessive details. The Jayden character was curiously dark in nature. I had just seen Tilda Swinton's "We Need to Talk About Kevin," and man, the kid in this film was the personification of evil. A freaking terror. By comparison Jayden is a sweetheart.

On the topic of what Jayden knew, I suggest a scene in which he gets a call and looks at the phone which suggests it belongs to Mike. Something that wouldn't seemed forced. He could then MUTE the phone and casually go about playing his video game.
This would suggest Jayden is not only a thief, but that he has access to other's personal information. And he is manipulative enough to use this information to destroy Mike and Brynn along his merry Saturday jaunt. But, why?

I was expecting a bit more by story's end. Not sure what I wanted to see, however. Perhaps the key to this story is to explore Jayden's motives and how he gathers personal data. It's only 8 pages, so I'm thinking it was done quickly and wrapped up to meet the deadline.  Potential here.

Quoted Text Show a little compassion, will you.

Not sure if that should be a period or a question mark.

Quoted Text BRYNN Here comes the pizza.

OTN? We can see the pizza. Change it to "Here it comes" or "Who's hungry?"

"Saunters?" Isn't he running for President?

Quoted Text BZZZZZZ! POP!

I didn't know this was an episode of Batman.

Quoted Text The electricity goes out. The room is thrown into darkness. (Too passive)

Quoted Text The electricity goes out. The room turns pitch black.

Quoted Text BRYNN Oh crap. The electricity. Don’t worry, Jayden, we’ll get some candles right away. Right, Mike?

Quoted Text JAYDEN I’m fine. I like the dark. A distant thunderclap is heard.

Foreshadowing?

Quoted Text The room is lit up by numerous candles. Cozy, romantic, spooky...

"Spooky" is an orphan. Perhaps remove "up."

Quoted Text The room is lit by numerous candles. Cozy, romantic, spooky...

Monopoly (the game) should be capitalized.

Quoted Text BRYNN Since there is no TV, I thought maybe we could play monopoly.

OTN, much?

Quoted Text Mike checks his cell phone constantly. Brynn turns to Jayden who meets her gaze with an emotionless face...dark eyes.

Foreshadowing. Is Jayden Michael Myers?

Quoted Text I met him fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left: No reason. No conscience. No understanding. Even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child with this blank, pale, emotionless face. And the blackest eyes. The Devil's Eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up, because I realized what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... Evil.

Quoted Text JAYDEN I don’t like bored games.

Good line, good pun. Why italics?

Quoted Text Embarrassed Blushing, Brynn puts the game away.

Quoted Text JAYDEN I like truth or dare.

Page 3 and now we're at the game. Should be capitalized.

Quoted Text happy he offered up a suggestion.

You're cheating a bit. Unfilmable?

The pizza setup has a payoff. Nice!

"Embarrassed" again. Change to "blushing." That's more filmable.

Quoted Text Jayden nails this impression. JAYDEN A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. Brynn stares horrified at Jayden. Mike is impressed.

Gee, I wonder what movie/character this is?   Not a word out of place. But you forgot the creepy slurp that Mr. Hopkins ad libbed.

Quoted Text JAYDEN How old is Lucy? The girl you keep snapchatting with.

Uh ohhhhhh...  

Quoted Text JAYDEN She keeps sending pictures of herself...from the bath tub.

Ooh! Blackmail!

Quoted Text JAYDEN What did that pregnancy test you took this morning say?

Ooh. Jayden is one delicious villain.   Uh, that came out awkward.

*potential spoiler*

Quoted Text JAYDEN She’s already made an appointment for the abortion.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Now I sound like Horshack, and Jayden keeps getting more and more wicked.

I guess Mike's a pro-life Republican?

Quoted Text Mike edges closer to Jayden. Dominant. Threatening.

Oh, boy. The Hank-punches-Walt moment.

Nice use of suspense, rising the tension, and quickening the pace.

"You wouldn't... dare." Nice pun to finish the film. But... what happens next? Sequel?

8.9/10

This was very well written, the story was simple, yet effective, you develop the tension quite well. The only problem for me, at least, is the ending. i feel like the ending was built around the pun (good pun though) and it was abrupt and out of character. But everything else worked well, good job!

Thank you for reading Chris B and LuisA.

This was my OWC entry awhile back. It was picked up for production back then, but was recently given back to me due to casting issues according to the filmmakers.

I feel the ending is weak too, but I don't have the time to work on it right now, but maybe someone will still pick it up and use their own ending.  

This script got attention from four different people wanting to produce it. This film is by a group of people in Nigeria. It's a little dark, but I think they did a good job. They made some changes to appeal more to an audience in their country. I had no problem with that.  

Interesting adaptation. I like it!

Very nice!

Technically the lighting could be a bit better, that could be my tablet or the fact it's not easy filming a blackout/candlelit scene., The sound effects were just a bit over the top for me, and the sound in general, music etc. just a bit over.

Well cast, all good in the acting dept. and suitably creepy.

I really enjoyed this.

Loved the ending. That final dialogue ends up working a treat imh.

How many films is this for you now, Pia? I think the actors in this did well. The sound was very Tinny. Everything resonated. I was happy for the subtitles. Couple of typos in the subs, too.

The exterior shots of the house with lightning were nicely done. Good work. I enjoyed it.

James

Thanks guys!

This film was obviously made on the cheap and he's probably pretty new. As such, I think he did a great job. I know myself that making films is a lot harder than what most people think.

James,

I have lost track. Over 30 by now, I'm sure. Anywhere from student productions to more professional stuff with budgets around 15K. When I watch the films I take budget and experience in consideration. So, the ones I tend to like the most are those who stayed closest to my vision regardless of budget and experience.