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Seems well-written, but it's so American that at times I felt I was reading a foreign language.
Things like:
"She pats the blonde streaks in her poofy page-boy."
I had to reread and didn't ever fully understand. I presume a page boy is a type of haircut, but the image means nothing to me.
By page 4 I'm bored tbh. I don't know what the story is about and with all the cultural references that I don't understand..the latest being "parcheesi" my inclination to continue is rapidly diminishing.
By page 8, I was out. Just not enough happening for me to maintain interest.
I scanned to the end, and I like that part. The rest wasn't for me.
Wow - an interesting dilemma for me, here. I LOVED the dialogue in this one. It's cute, it's smart - the characters are immediately fun. The ending? A bit confusing to me and unsatisfactory for the buildup. If it WASN'T for the ending, it'd definitely be in my top five-ish (or so). Here's a few notes - but it still had several LOL moments. Nice work!
Double Word Score
p. 1: The décor of transition. Great line! P 3: It’s so special to have you here, Sweetie. And your friend. Honestly, this is an admirable touch of subtle exposition. Kudos. p. 3: CAP Granddaddy p 4: Turn right around and put on a shirt. Fun line! p. 4: Hi. I like your beater. Also good dialogue. p. 4: Rolls her eyes (PERIOD) p. 4: Cool tat. I got one, too. The great dialogue lines are really flowing here! P 5: Turn down the thermostat. I’m loving the banter… P 6: Giving you geniuses a head start – also good! p. 7: Pant suit. Giggle. P 8: The new leader (PERIOD) The ending. Okay… the grandparents are getting it on. I’m not getting how that’s a good ending – and why? I really love how this story flowed…but it’s got to reach an interesting, organic conclusion. Revamp that, and I think you’ve got a very cute little ditty on your hands!
Let's see, oh the grandparents aren't swingers are they?? Ewe...
Would you believe it...
As the girls would say, OMG, I wasn't miles off, ok a tad, but still not a bad guess.
Ok. Story is only so deep, boyfriend on the phone, girls and grandparents etc but the more experienced girl and the grandparents playing a game does provide some tension.
A few lose ends, and perhaps could have been tigher...ahem...but actually an enjoyable read.
I suppose the question is, can this be made to have depth, a script with impact.? I'll leave that with you
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Caye places a P on the A-N-T.
GRANDDADDY
Gotta challenge you there, little
lady. Needs an S at the end.
Pant is a perfectly acceptable word. My dog does it all the time.
WTF? Is that it? Two old people that shouldn't be banging, start banging. Very strange. Plus all the shit with the two young girls. 11 and 12 year olds are children. I found the whole story very, very weird.
Don't know what to make of this. Reads like another script almost like reality tv. The words were all well thought out and made the twist but it was very very slow for my taste.
Um... okay. THAT was different. It was some interesting back and forth between the granddaughter and grandfather, but I don't know. I felt a bit turned off by the over-sexualization of the granddaughter who is only, what, 12? Talking about tattoos and semen and having a boy over. And then for the ending to veer that way, it just seemed a bit much. The writing is fine and the dialogue okay, just a bit over the top for me here.
My scores (out of 5) Concept: 3.5 Story: 3.0 Character: 3.5 Dialogue: 4.0 Writing: 4.0 Overall: 3.6
Good luck! Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
Granny having a page boy hairdo would look a bit odd. So is the thought of her and Pop the Sailor bumping giblets at the end!
Interesting little tale. Well written and pretty much thought right through and therefore unrushed. The writer knew exactly what they wanted and achieved. Good effort!
After giving this time to digest, I'm liking this story more. I enjoyed the little Lolita with an edge; made this story perk up like a Viagra hit. The Scrabble game was a hoot. All of those sexual words that Caye 'innocently' drops on the board. I love that line on page 3, when Grammy calls out, "Granddaddy, are you coming?" Nice! "We've been going out for three weeks almost." A priceless line by Caye regarding her intimate relations with some boy. The interaction between Caye and Granddaddy is pretty good, too. Tat for tat? Yeah, it's like comparing bullet wounds.
IMO, this script would be fun to see produced. A good director, some quality elderly actors and I can see how they get from the board game to the bedroom. Imagine the eyes, the expressions, the subtle little ways that Grams and Gramps respond to each other without saying a word.
The writer leaves a lot of latitude for the actors to act. Touche, tally ho and off to bed I go!