You're It by Libby - Short, Horror - Two young boys get into a world of trouble when they attempt to master the game of Hide And Seek.  - pdf, format

It's only a OWC, and I really shouldn't nitpick on the title page, but the title is a wee bit high and it just looks wierd due to the lack of an alias "the word "by" remains)

so lets move along.

While Hide and Seek isn't a board or card game, it's still a game I 'spose. I was wondering early on why you wanted to descibe the "lake life" shall we say, but by the end of the script I get it. It does serve as a nice contrast, something light and innocoent now is dark and sinister.  I found that the old writing device, where we follow one character from one room to another,gets a bit overused and actually becomes a distraction, especially in some cases such as::

Quoted Text Her voice builds in intensity, gets more shrill. In the KITCHEN Mom's even more of a mess than before.

That's one of the reasons this sort of writer's trick is done sparingly. Overdo it, and it runs the risk of being incorrect. We aren't following anyone into the kitchen.
If you dropped "in the" It would be fine as a subheader.

Mom should have an actual name I think, but there was a part of me which didn't quite jive with Mom going after the boys, supposedly after catching dear dad's cheating and (as implied) murder. Mom has snapped, alright. But I found it going into a sad trope of children in jeopardy.

Yet that aside, I found this to be one of the stronger entries. Nice work overall.

Darren you're another one to comment on the 'board game' requirement.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde You can absolutely do a story involving them playing some sort of game. Just make sure that they're playing a game that really exists (and you don't have to get hung up on the family part. That was just a lead-in to the contest, not a requirement of it).

It doesn't have to involve a board game as such, or involve a family.

The opening passages set the scene effectively.  The tension is ramped up as we go from summer fun at the lake house to psycho Mom on the loose.  The unhinged dialogue from the mother is well done, as are the scenes of big brother schooling his younger brother.  At times Jeremy talked a little too mature for a 12 year old though.  Felt like the writer just ran out of room at the end there.  Shame, cuz I was hoping for a better resolution.  I think the opening pages could be trimmed to make room for a great final scene.  Strong effort.

"JEREMY
Kid, you should always add another
stratagem to your repertoire. Keeps the enemy off-guard"

Wow, that's a well schooled 12 yo.  Didn't seem to fit in to the rest of his vocabulary though.

This one gripped me all the way through. Nicely paced culminating in mother's psychotic game at the end. Good job.

And I do like a story that involves  a severed head!

I loved this story.

One of the best that I read.  Have no real issues at all.  It was engaging all the way through and the characters were believable...

SPOILERS

The ONLY thing I wonder is why would mom have fake conversations with her husband??  And why the photo?

Otherwise, strong effort 8.5/10

Writer,

You had such a good build up, tension mounting, and foreshadowing. Good job on that. The writing was good too, but I think you lost it in the end. I get it, sort of coming full circle with the blindfold and all, but I think it needs more of a complete ending for it to be effective. But...

Very good work. Very visual, always with a sense of something coming around the corner.

Steve

A strong effort here, IMO.

The descriptive passages were extremely visual - I could see everything.

The pace of this builds quite nicely.

The dialogue between the boys is spot on.

Did not love the Mom's dialogue - for my taste it was a little too sarcastic for someone who is in the middle of a break down.

Overall - one of my favs so far.

A few typos here and there, no biggie...

Strategem to your repertoire for a 12 year old, hmm okay at a stretch.

The scenes with the boys are all great and loved the banter around hiding places and the like, really good job.

But, I found Mom less convincing and her scenes a little at odds with the boys.

Decent effort though

This had a nice set up with a cliff hanger ending.

The writing was solid and easy read throughout.
I thought Colin was gonna end up the last one alive... but maybe next time.

Good job writer

I liked the boys in this one. Didn't care so much about the mom. Her psychoness was a bit over the top for me. Didn't sound like a real unhinged person to me, but what do I know. I'm no psychiatrist.

Not sure what lino is. Linoleum? That seems weird since you described the house as impressive. Linoleum is sort of low end, IMHO. Also, the dad was a traveling salesman. I guess he was amazingly good one to afford the impressive house. Those are nit-piks though.

All in all, I liked it, but the mother needs a change to be believable.  

Clearly a lot of time was spent on this one. The writing is strong and the story itself is decent enough, although perhaps a bit forced at the end in regards to the mom.

I felt it lagging around the middle, and I'd put that down to needless description in places as well as scenes that don't move the story forward. I think it would be pretty easy to slash two pages from this script without losing anything vital.

Overall a good effort.

you're it

logline - not bad, quite simple

this was a decent effort, but like most could do with some work.

The connection between the hide and seek and the final part, whilst connected to a degree, did feel like two separate elements.

The interaction with the boys was good. The Mom less so, for me. She did convey a sinister aspect and i was concerned for the boys, so well done on that, its just that the sad drunk and the psycho killer just seem to be a tad apart.

colin in the tyre seem unresolved, in fact i think this story needed to be concluded.

but for a OWC script this was good work.

Great story and, a fantastic use of imagery to weave a tale worthy of prime time IMO! There are so many elements of classic storytelling on display here that I’d need a full thread just to tap the surface, lol. I’ll keep it short …

That is, the use of imagery that stood out best for me, whether you intended it to be there or not.

To begin with, the shoe-box full of bones (pictures) that Mom can’t seem to close the closet door on, is a great parable to state the walls in this house are about to explode with disgust. This home, looking from the outside in is a beautiful world but, is actually a dangerous place to tread without having to pull broken glass out of your feet… the smallest shards have apparently worked their way into Mom’s head.

Jeremy, the personification of his Father and, as the future care provider of his little brother, his protector in their dysfunctional realm, realizes his future self all too quickly by stumbling into his father’s tomb. He crawls out reborn with the truth of a very dark secret and, outside of all the wisdom he believes he has parted to Colin in order to protect him from some unseen force, has realized that the “shit just got real.”

You left the ending open for alternative interpretations; that’s clever too.  It lets people work out a scenario in their head that better suits their frame of mind. Wicked and creative, I dig this big time.

Some notes.

Too long and too straightforward for me.  We get the idea that Jeremy is good at this.  We don’t need six different scenes.  The only one that counts is the one in the closet and the photos.

And mom’s confession is too much and too long.  Doesn’t matter.  Jeremy knows the score as does the audience.  She doesn’t have to explain.  

I think that if you cut much of the first half, you can take this one to its logical conclusion, a confrontation between Jeremy and mom.  Not showing us that cheats the audience.  And of course, it should be Colin who makes the difference.  Hard to do in 13 pages, but it’s probably worth the effort.

Best
Richard

"A waxing moon casts light over the lake, creating ripples over the water, silver, perfect."

^^^Some good lines of description can be found throughout this script w/ the pro look.

Every time I felt like the story dragged, something happened that pulled me right back in. This isn't a premise that demands resolution, rather lets its mystery call the shots. One of my favorite visuals was the detached phone cord, and seconds before that I thought to myself, what's so important about a phone cord? lol

I need some writer's commentary on this short. Right now, I want to believe there's more to Mom than just an episode of "Snapped". Good job with raising the stakes in a subtle, almost nice, way for the youngsters. Enjoyable, with a good writer at the helm.

Where's the story? Page 2 and I'm glancing toward page count.

I think the description of the building and surrounding area is too unnecessarily descriptive. If I was a producer, I'd be thinking, well where am I going to find that exact location? Does the writer own this house? Could it be filmed there?

This is really dragging for me and I'm only on page 3. Just not my kind of drama. Way too slow and meandering.

Completely bored by page 4. Just not my thing.

The early scenes of older brother teaching younger brother how to play hide and seek were well done (although you'd think this would have happened at an earlier age for the 8-year-old).

However, it goes on way too long. The ratio of set up to the heart of the story is out of balance.

By the time I began to see what's what, there wasn't enough time/space to develop it. Not enough mother, father, their relationship. Something also seems off about the timing. (Spoiler) Dad comes home, she ambushes him in the car, cuts his head off, suspends it in the water, puts the body somewhere, returns to the kitchen, cuts the phone cord, goes back out to the shed... And the boys are oblivious to all.

Some strong, tense writing on display.

I didn't buy the Mum, or her serial killer style story at the end.

The two story-lines didn't really seem to gel. Maybe if mother had been involved in the hide and seek from the start it would work better.

Colin is an unnecessary addition to the story. It could just be the mother teaching him the rules of the game.

With a lot of trimming and a couple of rewrites, I think there could be an effective story here.

Tried to like this but it's all over the place. It's like the writer changed his idea midway through doing it.

Nothing wrong with the actual writing - formatting is good and it flows - just couldn't get me into it.

And here's another one with a spouse shagging on the side. Am completely baffled why so many scripts in this challenge have that aspect of it in them!

Had no sympathy for any of the chars either - wished they all went into the lake so the BLOB could get them!

Okay.  Very short review here - based on the "Bakelite" phone description, I'm guessing the writer is UK based.  Very effective and creepy - with rich, dark visuals.  (The cut cord reveal is the best, IMHO.)  Granted, the twist end was no surprise at all - totally telegraphed.  And I DO think the pages can be trimmed (maybe 2 or 3) to make this stream faster.  But very nice effect.  Perhaps do more to emphasize that Mom hates Jeremy more, because he reminds her of Dad?

One quick typo (which you probably already know): P 4: it’d (extra space) be too

Cheers!

You're it

Oh. Quite heavy stuff to play for such young actors, especially the part with daddy's head. It reads a bit unfocused and needlessly complicated. Would be a pretty long film I guess.

Good setting and tension. Somehow I didn't get the real connection, as said, I found the structure is yet too confused.

C

Surprised at all the mixed (and negative) reviews.  

You're obviously experienced. I was gonna guess Bill, but he already commented. The spelling of Pajama as pyjama tells me this is a UK/Aussie writer.

I loved it from the first page to the last.

Quoted Text The phone cord snakes over the table lip drops to the floor circles the perimeter of the room. We follow its trail to see it’s been cut. Yet Mom sits with the receiver to her ear, screaming into the mouth-piece.

Run-on sentence; confusing to read.

I just turned 30 and I have never heard of the word "Stratagem;" I thought it was a typo. What school does this 12-year-old kid go to? lol

The psycho mom reminded me (favorably) of Mrs. Voorhees.

Quoted Text MOM Hello, my darlings...

Great line right there, the subtext, the unsettling warmth of her voice.

10/10

Not a bad piece here, but there were some inconsistencies. The boys, I liked, but they seemed oblivious to mom's condition as the story begins. I would think that her nuttiness would have been apparent long before this point. The kids seem well adjusted. Like they belong to a different family. Oh well.

There's a scene on page 7 when Colin is behind the boat house, "tears" rolling down his cheek as he gestures to dad's black Buick. I was confused if he already knew of Dad's circumstance at this point. The boys then check out the boat shed when they don't find Dad in the car. Colin on page 8 refused to go back to the house, as Jeremy instructs. Colin says, "I don't want to. This is fun."
I don't think he'd be crying one moment, then saying it's fun. Especially with Dad's existence in questions.

The photo of Dad in a naked state, with another woman, seemed planted. I thought, who would keep that around. Did mom take the photo? Did she hire a PI at some point?

The hide and seek game was okay. Maybe if it were incorporated with reality earlier, such as if mom goes on her drunken terror binges, the boys know to stay clear of her.
I do agree that Mom talked too much as she is stalking the boys.

The pluses are that the writing is strong and there is definite potential here. Trim this story down and it will work better.  Let the boys suspect something is wrong with Mom earlier . Start the story with more tension and keep building.Forget about Dad coming home to play hide and seek.  Because Jeremy spent some time teaching Colin the nuances of good hiding, then put it to the test at the end. In the end, I wanted Mom to stalk the youngest boy. I think overall the story got away from you a bit, but with some cleaning up, this could be a fun, little killer/thriller.

Finally, I was thinking that maybe the hide and seek game could have the boys (maybe Colin) discover a hidden room in the house, where Mom stashes all of her secret photos of dad and other paraphernalia. Just a thought.

Meh. I'm afraid my review will be more of the same, but whatever; we all have our own words with which to relate.

Agreed that the writing is solid and that the relationship between the boys is well-drawn. The scenes quickly become redundant, though, and take up too much of the bulk of the script. I've also read this sort of stuff before, so it really doesn't stand out. I like the mystique built around hide and seek within the family as well as the dad's role in it, but the climax doesn't live up to it.

Everything about the mom seems cliche, what with the infidelity subplot, the despondency, the vodka... why is it always vodka anyway? Never a glass either; always the bottle. Where's the variety? I wonder if writers these days need to get more in touch with their inner alcoholic (seriously, though, don't actually do that). I'm guilty of having written this type of character before, too, and I don't think it's an invalid or even uninteresting archetype (to a point), but there seems to be so little deviation from formula when it comes to these depressed alcoholic moms.

Also, what's with the rotary phone? I mean, it's got more visual appeal than a cell, but it feels random.

Nevertheless, the mom's role in the end was a disappointment, given how much the dad was built up in the boys' dialogue. I also got the sense that there was supposed to be a more sinister element to hide and seek within the family history. Judging from the mom's dialogue in the end, I couldn't tell if this was actually the case or if she was using references to the game as euphemisms for the dad's infidelity. I think the former is way more interesting and by a long shot as well.

By the way, pg. 9 - "...not like mom at all." This is mentioned twice. I would cut both instances. We simply don't see enough of the character for this idea to have any resonance.

Finally, I don't think the intercut during the climax works. There just isn't that much back and forth between the two scenes to justify it. You might land five or six more lines adding the respective slugs in, but the alternative is the action becoming convoluted. I didn't think it was, since you mentioned the intercut, but I wouldn't be surprised if someone else felt that was the case. The line "Jeremy's words echo back to him" was similarly unnecessary, as it was implied by the V.O.

I'd take note of Abe's review above as well. He made some good points, including some that were in my initial notes that I had to strike as a result. Rick (Scar Tissue Films) made an interesting point about Colin's role as well. I wouldn't have thought of it myself, but it makes sense and could streamline the story nicely whilst building up the mom's character (if I understood his point correctly, anyway).

Anyway, some good writing and some good ideas, but clunky and doesn't live up to its full potential IMO. Could benefit substantially from rewrites outside of the OWC confines. Personally, I'd hope you revisit it.

Hi Libby,

I liked the story, especially the visual descriptions.
But I wanted the Mom to interact with the boys more. May be it could be better to show her changing feelings to the sons. She could be irritated by Jeremy who behaves like his father somehow to make it more convincing in the end that the Mom is going to kill her children.

Anyway, well done!

Oksana, thanks so much for digging this one out, and for your comments.

This was an entry into the OWC (one week challenge) where SSers are give one week to write a script according to the theme, genre, given.

SS has these writing challenges a few times a year so you should watch out for the next one and give it a go yourself.

Thanks again for the read.