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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  The Stalking Light - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    The Stalking Light - OWC  (currently 2988 views)
RichardR
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

I liked this one.  Enough mystery to keep the reader engaged.  A nice little twist and veer during the game.  It’s not about them, it’s about wade.  Well done.


Best
Richard
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 27th, 2016, 3:21am Report to Moderator
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The stalking light

Interesting title.

Logline - seems full on, I will be interested to see how you pulls this off...

Second wade isn't OS

Ok, a truth and dare game for those who have died...I think. Wade having killed them in a car crash, except Sean, who survived, but has managed to get the crew together, despite theyre dead.

To me the theme here, is that of seeking a truth in both life and death. That clearing the air, not matter how painful, is cathartic .

The bright light coming towards us did feel like impending death, so no great surprise there.

I think this has potential. I would bring the gun out sooner. It could be that the friends think the game is his sick joke and he seeks revenge, but as the awkward truth spills out a fuller understanding of life is known, accepted. And perhaps in that moment we find Sean in a room playing with a ouija board or the like, with the gun in hand. Does he kill himself or not? Perhaps the mantra could be that life is hard, but if you know the truth you can start to heal etc

All the best


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stevie
Posted: January 27th, 2016, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
Writing very stop/start. Overkill in some places.

So Wade is actually seeing an avenging ghost, a ghost holding a real gun that Wade can kill himself with?

I don't really understand this one.


No, I think Sean was alive but he somehow had the power to call in his dead friends and confront Wade?

I liked this. Was very reminiscent of a Stephen King type short. It was overwritten a tad but generally good.

I've only read a few so far but this is my fave. Except for my own lol!



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wonkavite
Posted: January 28th, 2016, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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Well, I think this one has major promise.  But, IMO, you need to put a lot more foreshadowing and characterization into this.  It's a great idea.  And your dialog/banter is very breezy, too.

But to pull off that twist - I strongly feel that you need to establish what a drunken and guilty mess Wade is, more to the extent that you currently do.  And focus a little less on the friends screwing each other over... vs. maybe things they regret (which you find out later are regrets of a wasted life, considering what actually happened to them).  IE: less recriminations, pointing them out to be "bad people" in and of themselves - and more disappointments (and Easter Eggs hints) of lives not fully lived, then lost.  If you do that, this could be quite effective...   As is, it's a veering right turn out of no-where, which takes away from what I'm sure it could ultimately be.

A few quick notes below (mostly lines that I thought were particularly nice.)  

P 2: Well, the rain man cometh.  Cute!
P 2: heartbells - also cute!
p. 7: sure as rain it's the Apocalypse - good line
p 8: What the heck?  Why did Sean just go psycho?
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 29th, 2016, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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The Stalking Light

Good short thriller here. Characters, tension building, descriptions, the whole picture has turned out well.

If I get it right, and Sean is a ghost as well, as the others after the crash became, then you could create a nice Fight Club moment, of Wade, not only taking the gun, rather holding it himself all the time. Perhaps.

The middle part could be shorter/different. All the distraction is good of course but it's not touchable in any context with regards to the reveal. What was the cheating stuff f.i. about and in which world/context we didn't see did this happen, and for what exactly in case of this story?

Otherwise pretty good.

B



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