Writer,

I could swallow this a whole lot easier if it wasn't so far in the future. But I guess that's in keeping with your idea of the game. Ever think about making the players hardened criminals? That might've been a better alternative. And it does kinda read like it was rushed, given your closing line. But then again we were all pressed for time.

Overall, decent. Needs work.

Steve

Some notes.

A futuristic game and outcome.  I see no reason to make the participants swear to never saying a word since the game and its rules are clear publications of the UN or whatever is ruling.  

A chess game where the pieces are alive and die is not a new concept.  Tying it to the extermination of a country is new, but needs more refinement.  It might work better if these pieces, knowing the stakes, were volunteers and accept death.  But that’s me.

The dialogue is a bit over the top, and I think there should be a clock in order to force the players to play quickly.  

Best
Richard

A huge dark warehouse with bright lights. I can see it now  

While I like the premise of people bound to giant chess pieces, the characters generic and sometimes awkward names brings me out early. Man 1, Woman 1, Rook's Woman (white or dark rook?) and so on. 'Hot' woman. ("hot" are the other women plain janes or something?) White Queen's a "model-like" woman in her late teens.

Some character takes a chainsaw and cuts up White Queen. I forget who.
I myself cut out by page five,

Sorry.

Well. the start is hard to picture. Man 1 doesn't exactly conjure up the most inspiring images.

There's some interesting ideas, but this isn't really my bag. The descriptions for characters are too brief, so little sticks as you read on. I'll leave it there.

R

a chess board of gigantic proportions...Equally huge chess pieces...

Size of chess pieces equal to size of warehouse? How big is gigantic and huge? Humongous?

The female chess people seem gratuitously sexy. Certainly a plus.

The setting feels way too far in the future. Kind of like the difference between Present Day and the Sumerians.

Anyway, I did like what the writer dreamed up here but think it needs reworking for clarity.

Checkmate 2

It's a gruesome splatter concept.

The problem to me is that there's too much explaining needed yet. I don't think all of it works logically. The boardrules, politics and state of society are too much told, and with that far away from us, not on the screen, not direct, so to say.

I'd prefer to experience the game more visual and have all the explanation summarized in a more tangible plot. I'd think about more mechanics in this chessboard f.i. Sure, it'd be more expensive then, but if the production design isn't strong anyway a trashy look would work against your concept in general. To challenge big projects is great imo, they just need more time to become precise I think.

C

The other checkmate

I like the idea the people running around as pawns, but the script needs work.

The thread with why they do this also needs clarity and crispness.

I would keep it simple, they're in it for the money, just hadn't appreciated the consequences, then get the chance to withdraw do they or does greed take over etc

All the best

Reminded me of a scene in Dan Simmon's awesome novel 'Carrion Comfort' in which Nazis with mind control powers use Jews in a game of chess at a death camp.

Started off pretty good and kind of grand and huge in concept but the actual writing of the game was a bit bland. Writer was prolly rushed and had to finish up. Great concept just needs a reworking.

Quick review: fun, evil and fanciful.  Basically, a more colorful imagination of the Hunger Games.  Well written, with a touch of snark.  ))

Cheers!

Oh - and here's a quick riff on the very minor typos to clear up - and two lines that made me LOL:

P2 – God, this blows.  Love this line!
P 3 – Um, what she said – also nice!
P 4 – Really (? Vs 7) – typo

First a confession:

I've never played Chess. I have no clue how to play it. I had to Google the pieces as they were introduced.

Speaking of introductions, characters are supposed to be in ALL CAPS when first introduced. Makes it much easier to follow.

The story (ironically) didn't get going for me until after the game had ended. Unlike everyone else, I have no problem with it being set that far into the future. Inflation might pose a problem, since by the year 6000, $10m might buy you a Happy Meal from McDonald's.

7/10