Checkmate (the other one) by Dan Campisi - Short, Horror - Games are fun, until someone loses.  What happens when the stakes are incredibly high? - pdf, format

HUGE DARK WAREHOUSE -- bright lights reveal a chess board of gigantic proportions... It's dark with bright lights

It's one big chess game... not a fan of Chess but using real people tied to Chess pieces.. good idea.


Your character descriptions are incredibly bland... short man, thin man,  A Scottish Voice, A Korean man, Boston-Accented woman.. did you spin a globe?

This is very hard to keep track off... Hot woman tied to the rook, then we have Woman 1 and Rook woman talking apparently a lot of talking off screen for some reason.

Your slugs are wrong

I guess they're countries battling in the future..

I'm sorry but this was very hard to read for me... I'm sure others will get it

Good job on entering

A few thoughts...

I found the description of the chess pieces a little confusing, if you've only got one Knight left how would we know that it is Knight 2 and would it matter at all?

I very quickly got confused with what was happening as there's a lot of Man 1, Pawn 19 etc... was making it difficult to keep track of what and who was where.

There's some awkward elements that could be tidied, e.g. you describe them as bound to the pieces but then they walk the pieces to new squares, so in reality the pieces are strapped to the people, not the other way round.

If this is set 3000 years in the future why would the currency still be $s and wouldn't inflation mean that $10m would now by a Starbucks?

Also the reveal of the true stakes, a couple of things.
1) If they'd been running this game annually since 4160 there would only be one country left by 5048
2) If there stakes are the extinction of a country would they really get such idiots to represent the countries?
3) Why are the people strapped to the pieces, it seems irrelevant to the country extinction aspect.

Now I didn't read this as being meant to be a comedy, but if it was then it may work better, if that's the case I think the humour needs amping up.

If it's serious then I think you should lose the killing of the pieces, feels redundant... though I have a feeling this has been done before, maybe in Star Trek?

Oh dear... my first thought before even opening the script. The reason is, I thought long and hard how to make a story including a chess game, but just couldn't think of one. Seems like a difficult one to tackle. So let's see how you do.

An idea similar to this actually crossed my mind, in fact it's almost exactly the same, minus the prize. A human chess game where people are really killed... but I dismissed it when I couldn't think of three acts. The rhyme, the reason, etc. I see you've gone for some type of Battle Royale type thing.

Bit complicated at the start. Narrative needs work, needs an edit. Maybe a little rushed, or the section I'm reading recently rewritten.

Using notation indicates that you at least know how to play. I also note you made sure that the black rook moved to a1, which is the white end of the board.

This would work out OK on screen but is a bit of a slog to read. I find it easy to keep track of the moves, but for non players it may be difficult to visualise.

Yeah, the story fell apart once the game was over. Nice try though, I still think chess is the hardest game to pick. Aside from the obvious battle royale angle, it's tough.

Loved the concept and thought the writer did about as well as one could describing the complexities of this game.

I did not like the dialogue. For the game participants - it didn't ring true and for the Grandmaster - far too OTN.

Interesting idea. I liked that.

Set perhaps a little too far into the future for me. I think we could relate better if it was a little closer to the present. That way we can imagine things might actually play out like that.

Like a lot of games, chess or cards for example are easy to watch, but a bore to read. Not sure how you get around that. I guess it just have to be written out, but I will admit that I really wanted to skim over the game itself. I didn't, but the urge was there.

Didn't really connect with any of the characters. Maybe have one person/chesspiece whom a whole country's future depends on. That way you have a bigger feel for something huge at stake.

Hmmm,
     Really complicated and hard to follow.   Could have use a rewrite, and I suspect the writer knows that, right???

I wonder what this could have been if....

6/10

So it's the Hunger Games on a chessboard? It didn't really work for me for reasons set forth by others; i.e., the slog of the descriptions and the confusing character descriptions.

Questions: Why can't the contestants not tell anyone? It's been approved by some convention of all the countries, plus, representatives of all the countries are in the audience.  That didn't make any sense.  Seems it would be better to actually have it televised for everyone to see, if you're going for the futuristic tone.

Also, if the contestants are tied to the chess pieces, how can they be handed saws, knives, etc. to kill their opponents? Why not just have a hooded person come out and be the executioner?

Sorry that this wasn't quite for me.  Best of luck!

My ratings (out of 5):
Concept: 3
Story: 3
Character: 2.5
Dialogue: 2.5
Writing: 3
Overall: 2.8

Good luck!
Gary

Doesn't seem like a very easy game choice to write about so I'll give you credit for that. I play chess a bit myself so it shouldn't be too difficult to keep track of what's going on.

After seeing the first two characters introduction as Dark Knight 2 and White Pawn 4, since they really have no other purpose than being tied to their pieces why not just say they are locked to the chess pieces and painted to blend in with them, that way IMO that you can just mention the pieces and say White bishop instead of white bishop 1 or 2.

What is really preventing these people from abandoning their pieces to begin with? In the end it's brought to our attention that they weren't told the death rate was high (which I don't understand, but I'll get to later) wouldn't it be a logical thought for one to abandon his piece to try and live? I suggest adding something to this to make is known that no one can just run off.

Now about the participants not knowing that the odds of death were so high makes me wonder exactly what they were told, they knew there would be death and possibly that it was a chess match and in chess a lot of pieces are removed or taken by the opponent. so why have they failed to realize how deadly this could be?

In order to get the money they have to swear to keep quiet, what about the hundreds of audience members? Why the hush-hush when this game (sanctioned by the Geneva convention) goes from country to country....wouldn't there be thousands of possible loose ends? I think you should hide the human aspect of this game from the audience, the painting thing I said before could help with this too.

Not a bad idea, just needs to be refined I think.

Logline is very enticing.

AND super kudos you start on the GAME.

OH nice and it's like SAW on a chess board. Good concept ...cool idea.

I am not sure about the money and keeping quiet part of this story but I love that you used overpopulation in it and I think it has a Hunger Games sort of feel to it even.

It was a bit hard reading through the moves for me as I'm not a chess player.

Nice job.

I loved the chess playing action, that worked well for me and kept me intrigued. Starting on the game was great. Would look great if filmed.

But it was the after game sequences which seemed to unpick the whole story for me. As others have stated there was some continuity issues and we are a long long way into the future... Rather primitive way of controlling the world's population I would guess.

Will Nauru and Kosovo be around in 5048? That's something I won't be able to check, mate... (Insert groan here)

Quoted from cbead I loved the chess playing action, that worked well for me and kept me intrigued. Starting on the game was great. Would look great if filmed. But it was the after game sequences which seemed to unpick the whole story for me. As others have stated there was some continuity issues and we are a long long way into the future... Rather primitive way of controlling the world's population I would guess. Will Nauru and Kosovo be around in 5048? That's something I won't be able to check, mate... (Insert groan here)

That's a great point.  Will the countries be the same?

Can anyone know, well, I guess Happenstance could....  Or the Candyman could (the song, not the movie)...

A 'hot woman', 'a scantily clad woman' and, 'a model like woman in her late teens' - I might like this more if the gender was reversed.  

This is all a bit messy really, isn't it?  - 'White Queen's person' 'White Queen's avatar'? Hundreds of people in the stands? Pity we didn't hear them btw...

I don't know, there's a clever idea at the core of this story but the structure is all over the joint. Little bit of Hostel, little bit of Hunger Games, throw in an overcrowded world, a lottery.

I think I can guess who put this one together, it has a few trademark 'dead'   giveaways. But, I won't tell.
Interesting take on the game, but I think it needs streamlining quite a bit for it to be more effective.  

Hi writer,

Sorry amigo, this one didn’t really gel for me. I DID like the concept of using live actors to portray a macabre version of chess but, in the year 5048? I don’t play chess either, so trying to decipher all the positions etc, took me right out of the read.

I could only assume (or hope) that there would be something far more inventive techno wise at that time to entertain the masses; perhaps some virtual gaming scenario… who knows, that’s like 3000 years from now, give or take.

I did like the concept though, and I think this could have played out awesome if it was part of the “100 Days of Games” that Caesar offered to the masses, with his Centurions in black armor bringing people in and out of the chess board.. Just my opinion of course.

It was a struggle to get through this early on because it was confusing to picture exactly what was happening. A lot of different characters (who you need to capitalize when first introducing) and action makes it tough to follow.

I skimmed through to the end. Interesting concept. Didn't really buy into it though and wasn't invested enough here as there's no clear hero or any character to act as a gateway for the reader to get into the story.

Just felt like some random weird stuff that happened 3000 years from now. Good imagination though on display here.

Writer,

I could swallow this a whole lot easier if it wasn't so far in the future. But I guess that's in keeping with your idea of the game. Ever think about making the players hardened criminals? That might've been a better alternative. And it does kinda read like it was rushed, given your closing line. But then again we were all pressed for time.

Overall, decent. Needs work.

Steve

Some notes.

A futuristic game and outcome.  I see no reason to make the participants swear to never saying a word since the game and its rules are clear publications of the UN or whatever is ruling.  

A chess game where the pieces are alive and die is not a new concept.  Tying it to the extermination of a country is new, but needs more refinement.  It might work better if these pieces, knowing the stakes, were volunteers and accept death.  But that’s me.

The dialogue is a bit over the top, and I think there should be a clock in order to force the players to play quickly.  

Best
Richard

A huge dark warehouse with bright lights. I can see it now  

While I like the premise of people bound to giant chess pieces, the characters generic and sometimes awkward names brings me out early. Man 1, Woman 1, Rook's Woman (white or dark rook?) and so on. 'Hot' woman. ("hot" are the other women plain janes or something?) White Queen's a "model-like" woman in her late teens.

Some character takes a chainsaw and cuts up White Queen. I forget who.
I myself cut out by page five,

Sorry.

Well. the start is hard to picture. Man 1 doesn't exactly conjure up the most inspiring images.

There's some interesting ideas, but this isn't really my bag. The descriptions for characters are too brief, so little sticks as you read on. I'll leave it there.

R

a chess board of gigantic proportions...Equally huge chess pieces...

Size of chess pieces equal to size of warehouse? How big is gigantic and huge? Humongous?

The female chess people seem gratuitously sexy. Certainly a plus.

The setting feels way too far in the future. Kind of like the difference between Present Day and the Sumerians.

Anyway, I did like what the writer dreamed up here but think it needs reworking for clarity.

Checkmate 2

It's a gruesome splatter concept.

The problem to me is that there's too much explaining needed yet. I don't think all of it works logically. The boardrules, politics and state of society are too much told, and with that far away from us, not on the screen, not direct, so to say.

I'd prefer to experience the game more visual and have all the explanation summarized in a more tangible plot. I'd think about more mechanics in this chessboard f.i. Sure, it'd be more expensive then, but if the production design isn't strong anyway a trashy look would work against your concept in general. To challenge big projects is great imo, they just need more time to become precise I think.

C

The other checkmate

I like the idea the people running around as pawns, but the script needs work.

The thread with why they do this also needs clarity and crispness.

I would keep it simple, they're in it for the money, just hadn't appreciated the consequences, then get the chance to withdraw do they or does greed take over etc

All the best

Reminded me of a scene in Dan Simmon's awesome novel 'Carrion Comfort' in which Nazis with mind control powers use Jews in a game of chess at a death camp.

Started off pretty good and kind of grand and huge in concept but the actual writing of the game was a bit bland. Writer was prolly rushed and had to finish up. Great concept just needs a reworking.

Quick review: fun, evil and fanciful.  Basically, a more colorful imagination of the Hunger Games.  Well written, with a touch of snark.  ))

Cheers!

Oh - and here's a quick riff on the very minor typos to clear up - and two lines that made me LOL:

P2 – God, this blows.  Love this line!
P 3 – Um, what she said – also nice!
P 4 – Really (? Vs 7) – typo

First a confession:

I've never played Chess. I have no clue how to play it. I had to Google the pieces as they were introduced.

Speaking of introductions, characters are supposed to be in ALL CAPS when first introduced. Makes it much easier to follow.

The story (ironically) didn't get going for me until after the game had ended. Unlike everyone else, I have no problem with it being set that far into the future. Inflation might pose a problem, since by the year 6000, $10m might buy you a Happy Meal from McDonald's.

7/10