First up this needs a SUPER somewhere to tell us what country its in! Or at least something like the actual name of a familiar town or city. It could've been set in Australia as police are Constables here.  So easy to do but a few perps do it a bit.

I'd read most of the comments before i read the script so knew there was an unlikely twist. What is going on with the WATTERS/GWEN STANLEY thing? Should be just GWEN, you don't need a surname.

As Rick said this was pretty well written but lost its way severely. Mayhaps the old 'running out of time before submit' scenario?

Could be decent with a rewrite.

Actually, I think some women, depending on their background/environment and whether or not they're in a psychotic rage or not will definitely use the word 'cunt'. I've seen it and 'bitch' used in some of these OWC entries where I thought it didn't fit at all and was just lazy or an inappropriate choice, or meant to come across as funny. But in this story, 'I'm buying it in that line, at least.

The problem as I see it is that you've got all the expletives in successive lines as opposed to other choices of dialogue this character might elect to use. It's overkill imh. Unless she's truly psychotic, a wronged person usually wants a proper explanation, wants to punish, threaten, torture emotionally etc.

Not a bad story. You started it right in the middle of the drama, no preamble, which has your audience tuned in straight away. And I didn't pick the midpoint twist. Well done with that, and it's pretty much action all the way.

Cops always come in pairs where I come from. Sometimes two pairs.

The coincidence angle does need working on. Make it clever. No suggestions from me at this point.

Good title and logline

P5 the twist doesn't feel perfectly developed yet, the vague construction is there though.
Her direct understanding and confession as a reaction to merely a "You bitch" is quite quick - you could work on this part. It's always tricky to build a connection between an off-screen plot we haven't seen and the live-happenings the viewer receives. It's a bit abrupt here, unbalanced also in case of a reaction towards a physical attack. Doesn't matter - You can fix that easily.

You have an entertaining fight but Gwen obviously chose a complicated way to kill Ross. I think this could work better if the original rope kill accidentally does not work. F.i. Gwen "somehow" pulls her up to a beam; she hangs, but the rope tears, giving Ross a chance to fight back. Her plan should be bulletproof, at least "look" and "feel" bulletproof.

Entertaining! With regards to the plotting f.i. the generic, rather thin ending that tells us that the husband lies there somewhere - the choreography of the fight truly overshadowed that weakness and ruled the script properly.  

You start late which is good but there's a hell of coincidental setup that I just didn't buy. Cop on her own, this particular cop being the one in the precise area when the call comes in, backup just far enough away to not arrive in time. This can easily be fixed.

The writing is good in that I understood clearly what was going on but not so good from a screenplay point of view as it is overwritten. Again, easily fixed with a polish and very understandable for a OWC.

For example, "She grips her gun with both hands in a ready position. She’s ready to pounce at the slightest indication of trouble." You show us what Gwen is ready to do (which is correct) but then you waste an extra line telling us what we already know from her actions. This is fine for prose, screenplays need to be leaner.  

The twist needs work as it comes out of left field. Ross doesn't show any recognition of the address or of Gwen when she meets her. This is where backstory is sorely missing, we should know at this point what is going on to raise the tension.

As for the story itself, straightforward but sometimes simple is fine.

So a decent start for this OWC, but needs a lot of work for me.  

-Mark

The title doesn't fit in my op - it suggest a story of struggle and survival but it's a simple story of revenge I'd say.

Well done but I'd need more info about the girls to care for them. The twist - she killed her husband and used an intricate lie to get Ross in - works but like I said this needs more I think.

I'm gonna give this some fictional license, but it does seem like the most sensible thing for Ross to do would be to lock herself in with the victim and wait for backup to arrive.

The twist needs more setup than this. Like what if Ross, before getting the call, is seen leaving a message that sounds like she's breaking up with her boyfriend over “lies” and ‘it not being right’. That's at least a little groundwork that makes the twist feel less out of nowhere.

I think it'd be better if Ross found the husband. Maybe you did it this way for the challenge, I can't remember whether a dead body was regarded as a character. It wouldn't be in my book. I think the twist may have landed a little better if Ross finds the husband’s body (despite Gwen saying he's out of town) and immediately knows what's up. Cue fight to the death.

Other reviewers noted the problem with Ross being on her own and conveniently in the area. One possible solution, definitely a post-challenge one, would be to have the husband be Ross’ partner and be in on the setup, presumably to placate his psychotic wife. A lot of the contrivances melt away if Ross’ cop car is being driven by a co-conspirator.

What's here is decently executed at least. The characters and situation felt real at the start. So I have no doubt this can be reworked with the notes into something much stronger.

Quoted from EWall433 I'm gonna give this some fictional license, but it does seem like the most sensible thing for Ross to do would be to lock herself in with the victim and wait for backup to arrive. The twist needs more setup than this. Like what if Ross, before getting the call, is seen leaving a message that sounds like she's breaking up with her boyfriend over “lies” and ‘it not being right’. That's at least a little groundwork that makes the twist feel less out of nowhere. I think it'd be better if Ross found the husband. Maybe you did it this way for the challenge, I can't remember whether a dead body was regarded as a character. It wouldn't be in my book. I think the twist may have landed a little better if Ross finds the husband’s body (despite Gwen saying he's out of town) and immediately knows what's up. Cue fight to the death. Other reviewers noted the problem with Ross being on her own and conveniently in the area. One possible solution, definitely a post-challenge one, would be to have the husband be Ross’ partner and be in on the setup, presumably to placate his psychotic wife. A lot of the contrivances melt away if Ross’ cop car is being driven by a co-conspirator. What's here is decently executed at least. The characters and situation felt real at the start. So I have no doubt this can be reworked with the notes into something much stronger.

IMO, this works much better than what you have written.  Let the story play out the same way.

A big issue is:  At the beginning you say they are STILL in the house, meaning that the cop was already there.  You should use that as some reveal like she planned this out, just waiting for the correct day.

SPOILERS

Also, you have the cop realize far too quickly that she's the mistress with Gwen's husband.  It was far too tidy.  You should play off the confusion.  

Also, the room that the dead husband was found in, wasn't the cop in there?

You know what might work well?  Have the cop stay with Gwen.  Have the cop secure the other side of the room (that opens up into another bedroom) and find the dead body.  She realizes it as the guy she was dating.  She can call out OMG, Harry's dead.

Then Gwen says something like His name isn't Harry, it's Bob and he was my husband until you started fucking him.  

I'd like to also comment on the "cunt" usage.  It has been used a lot in this OWC.  I know women can be cruel and each time it was used was in a total fit of rage, but, the average woman would never call another woman this, except in a total betrayal.  It is a word to be wary of.

Good luck,

Dan

This entry does suffer from inconsistencies, but I like its spirit. There's action, a story line, an attempt at revenge that's clever and logical, and some suspense. My advice to the writer is to stay with this, rethink the scenes and listen to a lot of the suggestions.
I think I agree with Richard R. about setting up Ross to kill the husband. that would be horrific for Ross to shoot her lover by mistake.
Another tip is to try working the story from the POV of the wife. This will give you a fresh perspective of how to set up the story. Then you can go back to Ross's POV if you like.
Maybe have the wife call 911 about spousal abuse. And don't reveal things too early. Anyway, good luck with the rewrite. It doesn't work as presented , but I still enjoyed the read.

Writer,

Normally I don't point these out, but a lot of unnecessay orphans. And what are they due to? Overwriting, of course. This tale is way overwritten and filled with overly descriptive passages and passive writing that immediately taken me out of the story. This can be tightened up big time. That said, it's a simple revenge tale that unfortunately fails to deliver the goods. Nice try, though!

Steve