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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Cherry Pie - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Cherry Pie - OWC  (currently 2544 views)
Don
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cherry Pie by Anonymous - Short, Horror - Natchitoches, Louisiana. 1950. A little lost girl gets allured by a strange smell and a mysterious old lady to spend the night in. But when no one's watching, nothing is what it seems to be. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Cherry pie - horror

SPOILERS

A little girl gets lost and stumbles across the mad woman in the swamplands. This in itself is not a bad set up, the vulnerable with the unpredictable.

Only the girl finds that she is a nutter she has killed before and dies etc

To be honest, I found the read hard to get through and not always clear. I was still lost about the back story etc

I think if you go down the child in the wooden cabin route you need a stand out idea to make it shine.

All the best


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RichardR
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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I like this one.  A riff on Hansel and Gretel, enough horror for me.  I was confused by the ending.  Who was the woman eating the pie?  I assumed it was the woman in the photo that she prayed over, but I'm not sure.  In any case, a worthy effort.
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Oh boy...

Sorry, but I'm out on Page 2.  This style the writer is attempting is so hard to follow and impossible to visualize.  I'm sure some will think this is "cool" or the like, but it really goes against everything a Spec Screenplay should be - visual, easy to read, and entertaining.
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stevie
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, I think it worked out what was happening here but...?

Not bad and the writer did ok with formatting and stuff - not sure what Jeff was alluring to?

One question - if the water in the bathroom was the same muddy colour as the kitchen why did she fill it in there anyway?  Lol my logistical mind kicking in there



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Female Gaze
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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I just don't understand why she was angry at Cherry pie and her mother. did her mother kill Irma daughter or have something to do with it? That confused me.

The end was fine but I wished that the woman was Cherry pies mom instead of some random person.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 7:22am Report to Moderator
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I quite enjoyed the read, but it was a hard story to buy.

If our little girl lives in a world where her Mother would be involved in the KKK style lynching and burning of a little black girl, I doubt she'd be wandering like she is through this kind of territory, or so comfortable talking to this elderly black lady. You might want to change up the part about strangers, into being a part that deals with race instead.

It just didn't vibe. It might better if the woman at the end was the mother, eating her own daughter. Then we find out why she did it.

Not bad overall, though the subject matter was uncomfortable, to say the least.

Revision History (1 edits)
Scar Tissue Films  -  January 29th, 2017, 7:32am
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eldave1
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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Some peeps will have issues - but I LOVED the writing style. It fits my eye - it provides pace - it violates technical rules here and there in order to set tone. It is different. So - I am a fan of the style.

Dialogue was perfect.

I don't really get the end of the story.  Going go give it another read to see what I missed. If the mother killed the girl - why visit?  The other problem is that the a author did such a great job establishing the character/empathy of the protag - I just had a hard time with the evil flip.

But again - I love the writing


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irish eyes
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad, the writing style was kinda throwing me but I stuck it for the story's sake.

To be honest, I kinda knew where the story was going I just didn't make a lot connections.
How did the old crazy woman know her mom?
Who was the other woman at the end?
Did she murder her own child?

Just a tad confusing


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grademan
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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The writing style is too bright and bouncy for horror. Felt almost bipolar between the dark nature of the subject matter and the bubbly style. The dialogue was good but expected a little of that Louisiana accent.  
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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It's always a gamble when you try a writing style out on a spec script. All the 'experts' and screenwriting books say you shouldn't. This is normally the style of a writer who's made it passed the gatekeepers and can be quite creative with the rules.

However, I personally liked it. I found it very easy to follow. It was lean and yet it got across look and the atmosphere of the scenes and characters extremely vividly. Just watch out for those orphans, you have loads of them!

As I can see from some of the comments, some didn't quite take to this style - and there lies the risk of trying to stand out from the crowd.

Writing aside, I got lost in the final part once Cherry Pie went a wandering around the house.  I don't know why Granny Nutsloose was doing what she did, despite the attempts at exposition (which felt unnatural), what happened to the little girl, or who the woman was at the end.

Still, it ticked all the boxes of the challenge to me. A decent effort.

-Mark


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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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I appreciated the lean writing style, but ultimately found the story a bit confusing.

I liked that you tried to create an empathy between the antagonist and the reader, but the murder seemed so out of place with the character you had created.

Also, the little girl was barely a character at all, more of a prop to advance the story.

All in all, I liked a few elements, but for the most part, this is a miss for me.


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JEStaats
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Started off very classic and I was immediately thinking that I knew how this would turn out, but then...Hmmm, yeah, I got lost once the candles and chanting started. Voodoo? Why the hard feelings for the mother-pie? I was 'okay' with the writing style, I just needed to focus. Maybe an explanation after this week is over?

Good effort.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a Brit so may be wrong, but isn't the bayou the water bit? So difficult to walk on...

I think this is a little over written, but it does certainly have its own style.

Dialogue and setup drew me in, liked the way it was building...

But then it seems that the scene moves inside (there's tea and milk) but we have no new slug to show this..

And then I got a little lost.

Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a bit nonplussed by how many people are struggling with the story here.

It's pretty straightforward.


The little girl and her mother both wear Cherry bracelets.

The little girl's mum is in the paper....because in the past she killed a black girl, that black girl is the elderly lady's.

Out of revenge, she kills the little girl, and her mother when she turns up to find her, and feeds them to her dog.


At the end she's just eating pie with her friend, wearing two cherry bracelets from the white people she's killed.
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Female Gaze
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
I'm a bit nonplussed by how many people are struggling with the story here.

It's pretty straightforward.


The little girl and her mother both wear Cherry bracelets.

The little girl's mum is in the paper....because in the past she killed a black girl, that black girl is the elderly lady's.

Out of revenge, she kills the little girl, and her mother when she turns up to find her, and feeds them to her dog.


At the end she's just eating pie with her friend, wearing two cherry bracelets from the white people she's killed.



Makes sense. But why the hoodoo/voodoo? I gotta re-read this.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Female Gaze



Makes sense. But why the hoodoo/voodoo? I gotta re-read this.


No hoodoo.  She's just praying to God.  She thinks that God sent the kid there so she can get revenge.

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Female Gaze
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
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ohhhhh. I see. I see.
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Conz
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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That logline is a disaster.

Usually down for this type of stunted writing style, but I really don’t think it’s necessary here.

Can’t visualize a Catahoula hound.  This is probably common knowledge for most, but why even bother calling it by the breed if it’s just gonna make dummies like me stop reading?  An old hound would have sufficed.

This writing style is starting to bug me here.  It’s like reading down a robotic list more so than a script.  I guess I only like it in small doses of action, not an entire script.  
Again, really don’t think it’s necessary.

This feels like a fairy tale, but it’s supposed to be a period piece.  I don’t know why, but I’m not picturing anything “real” about this.  Too much Hansel and Gretel bogging down my brain.

“I better go try the bathroom.”  Why is this necessary dialogue?

I gotta be honest, I have no clue what ended up happening in that story.  I have theories but i don't know if I'm over or under thinking it.  Scartissue's explanation in this thread cleared it up, but I didn't get that.  i think the writing style probably tripped people up.


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ChrisBodily
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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Opened it up and... The writing style threw me for a loop before I even read anything.

But since I admire maverick writers who decide "fuck the rules" and do their own thing, I'll definitely read this.

Hope it's good.


FADE IN:
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Cameron
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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I could be wrong, but I think I recognise the style from other OWC's, and it kinda threw me here just as it did in those other one's too. That's not me saying it's wrong by the way, it's very descriptive and gets your point across, but it's just too short and sharp for myself.

Putting the writing style to one side, I actually liked it. The build up wasn't too taxing, the aforementioned descriptions were bang on, and the back story seemed to work.

Really it's a mixed bag for me, good effort though

Cam
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ChrisBodily
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 1:14am Report to Moderator
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Take two. And... action!

Title page. So far, so good.

FADE IN: Nice.

Orphan on the first page.

What does a "golden cherry" look like? Is it just a regular cherry with gold glitter, like a Christmas tree cookie?



Is the girl the "little cupcake?"

"Something funny in the air." How can you show this visually? We can't see air. You can say "The girl senses something, SMELLS it." Or something like that. Remember, film is audiovisual.

Shouldn't "heaven-like" be capitalized? Personal choice. Another orphan.

"The glow in her eyes tells us" Make sure you can show this visually. We need to be able to read it on her face, in her expression. I usually only write a line like this if it's the best way to get the visual across.

Google tells me a Catahoula hound looks like this...

[img]http://cdn3-http://www.dogtime.com/assets/uploads/gallery/catahoula-leopard-dog-breed-pictures/side-7_1.jpg[/img]

"Ours." Normally, "we" never appear in a script. "we" never "see" or "hear" anything. Just tell us what we see and hear, but don't tell us THAT we see or hear something. But you're a maverick and I admire that.

I would have capped all of TOWERING FIGURE.

The classic knife.

"OUT OF THE SHADOWS" Are the Ninja Turtles in this?

"Black" would have worked, too. Be careful with unfilmables, even though character intros are the one place where you can kind of get away with them.

"Dress, as old as she is." How do we know this? You haven't even given us her specific age.

Horror element introduced on page 2.

Careful with that axe, Eugene dialects, contractions, and dropping letters from words. John Wayne, of all fellas, famous told writers to "write it in English, and if I choose to play the part, I'll play it like John Wayne." That's tellin' 'em.

"You want a a slice, don[']tcha?"

"My mama always told me--" Are you trying to get Tom Hanks to play the little girl? Reads like Forrest Gump.

Triple negative? So it's okay to take something from strangers, or no?

"The woman cleans her hand to her apron." Are you sure that's he right preposition?

You normally spell out addresses. Mister, Missus, Miss, Mister President, Doctor, Colonel, Corporal, Sergeant, etc. Also numbers less than ten or twenty. Timing reasons.

"CUT TO: THE KNIFE" Is that a pun?  

"Attack?" Like beating the shit out of the pie, kicking it, smashing it, or just devouring it like a buzzard?

You could save a few pages by trimming those orphans.

She's my cherry pie. Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise. Tastes so good makes a grown man cry. Sweet Cherry Pie.

End of page 4. To be continued.


FADE IN:
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DanC
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 3:07am Report to Moderator
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So what happens at the end?  I was confused.

Actually, I found this story hard to follow too.  I really can't add more than what everyone else said, so, sorry about that.  

Not sure the writing style will serve you well, unless you have sold other scripts.

Dan


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LC
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I'm a fan. Sure, I could pick stuff apart format wise: But I won't cause I loved the whole atmosphere you've evoked. I love that it's horror and that it reads in a jaunty fashion in contrast.  Unsettling but rivetting story and you sold me on the dialogue. I also enjoy stories that are a little hard to follow on film. And this is slated for film. Eerie, fairy tale sinister, visual. I'd really like some cherry pie now. Or apple.

Great job. Yours stands out for me i.e., memorable, and that's what it's all about.


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ChrisBodily
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Finished. Pretty solid for breaking the usual formatting "rules." But who needs rules? "All my friends are heathens, take it sloooow. Wait for them to ask you who you knoooow. Please don't make any sudden mooooves; you don't know the half of the abuuuuse."

Didn't see that twist ending coming. Wow. Reminds me of Fried Green Tomatoes. Or Solyent Green.


FADE IN:
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khamanna
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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Seems like a good story idea - but I'm not quite sure what happens at the end. Irma killed the girl - although I don't know what for. And I don't get the Woman there at the very end.

Seems like it's me though and you know what you're talking about.

I'd like it more if you got straight to the meat of the story - the first 6 pages dragged to be honest.

The dialog sounds believable and the characters are very well done
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Nolan
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I've also seen this writing style on other threads.  While I have no problem with it, I just found it confusing keeping up with the story.  I missed a whole bunch of points that would have made the ending easier to understand.  After reading some of the comments, I now know what happened.  

However, I did enjoy the build up and thought the horror ending to it was quite good, so kudos on that.

I may have said this in one of the other ones, but any horror story with kids just seems to be that much more creepy!
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PrussianMosby
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Title does not fit genre, not intriguing either
Logline reads complicated, unfocused

P4 not bad so far – I hope you got an explanation what the girl got to do alone in the swamps

No slugs at all and then a CUT TO:  ???

The girl is suddenly called Cherry Pie.

The approach of directing from the page does not work well. So many capitalization and broken sentences, single words, make this script read like a shot-list, exagerrated said. In a horror script, I believe this shot by shot telling works not in your favor – because the genre lives for suspense, a consistently presented atmosphere. Because of the style, too much tension, emotions couldn't deliver and grow.  

Story wasn't bad but as said imo horror needs clear scenes, coherent scenarios that flow into scare, organic. Still, solid work.



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SAC
Posted: February 2nd, 2017, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Long, tedious read I'm afraid. So much exposition, unnecessary CAPPING, and asides galore that add nothing to the story. Just not believable, as the murderous Irma seems to have no reason to kill Cherry Pie. Some kind of sacrifice, I feel. Then you intro some woman at the end, no idea who she is or where she came from. Story just doesn't work for me. Lots of stop and start sentences The could have easily been broken up with commas instead of continued on another line.

Keep working. Those things will clean themselves up eventually once you realize they are wrong, and do little to help the flow of your story.

Steve


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MarkItZero
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I don't have a problem with the style. Props for trying out different things and getting a feel for what works for you. And I'm the last person to care about rule breaking. But there are some visuals here that just aren't clear. I don't think it has anything to do with the staccato style or the tongue-in-cheek asides. They're just not clear visuals. Probably due to time constraints but it's something I think needs to be fixed on re-write. Most glaring one:

Pg. 2 --

She gets near a house. She looks left. Then right. Sees a dog, then a noise from "another direction" causes her to turn.


Quoted Text
Behind him, a TOWERING figure. Only thing we see is the GLOW
of a sharp, cooking knife.


This is telling my brain to visualize a close-up of a cooking knife in someone's hand without using a camera direction. Which is good. But it's not showing me a figure cloaked in shadows.

Then you have

OUT OF THE SHADOWS

A frail, grey-haired African-American woman.

It's not till five lines later I find out there's some shadow hiding her so only the knife is visible. Which is a completely different visual so I have to reorganize what I'm seeing. But it's even more confusing since we're in a bayou in broad daylight. Where is this massive shadow coming from? The house, I hope, since nothing else would really make sense. If so, then you could say "a noise from outside the house" instead of "another direction". Now we're oriented towards the house and the shadow makes more sense. But I still think you should mention the shadow along with the knife visual.

Like so:


The poor mutt doesn’t even move. Doesn’t break the stare down either, until--

A LOUD BARK

Does the job. High pitched. Coming from outside the house. Another dog.

More like a sample of one. But vicious.

Behind him, a TOWERING figure leans against a windowsill, mantled in shadows.

Only thing we see is the GLOW of a sharp, cooking knife.


That rug really tied the room together.
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