Definitely a more well rounded story.

I think the surprise element of this, that she was actually aiming the gun, not at the husband, but at her, is was makes this, but I think you threw it away a bit.

This should be the final twist and it didn't receive the impact it deserves, imh, the way it is written.
Develop this. Surprises like that 'reveal' elevate a story.

I thought the 'other woman' the innocent one should be presented with more assertiveness. Under the circumstances you would be a bit of a nervous Nelly, but some comeback surprises of her own could add to this.

It didn't blow me away, but I enjoyed it and I wanted to know what was going to happen next.
Good job.

I enjoyed this a lot too.  Great job.  It would have graded higher for me except for all the typos and other errors that really make this hard to read in certain spots.

The women should be introduced earlier.  

I thought it was very moving.  You make me care about both of them.

I hope you fix this up and it gets made.  I can see that happening.  

Great Job
Dan

Very solid, indeed.

Loved the dialogue and the characters all the way through. Sharply written, as well.

Not much to say that hasn't already been said.  

I don't particularly like dramas, but I don't hate them either.  I'm more of a "meh" when it comes to them.  This was pretty good though.  

Very nice job!
got to check if drama was one of the options though.
Great story very well told - I was in the whole time, pity it had to end)

Good dialogue and flow. My only issue is the realism of the 'other women' meeting each and being so civil. Even if she is going to die in an hour, I think she'd lose her cool on that cheating ho. She's getting the death sentence for killing the unintended and she's so civil? Hmmmm.... Maybe it's just me.

Even with that, I did like it. Good work.

Repeating "Texas highway" is redundantly redundant. I'd replace the second instance with "road." Remember, the dictionary and thesaurus are your friends. So is Google.

Ditto "Luxury sedan." a CAR slug would have been just fine.

"ten and two." Not sure what this means.

A 14-line block of dialogue?! To paraphrase Devo, "Trim it! Trim it good."

Quoted Text FEMALE REPORTER (V.O.) (through car radio) ...Barring any intervention by the Governor, Kimberly Mansfield will be executed at midnight, tonight - just six hours from now. Mansfield was convicted of the murder of William Peterson, an investment banker from the Dallas-Fort Worth area in 2012. Mansfield, William’s mistress at the time, shot him to death in the driveway of his estate. William’s wife was by his side at the time of the shooting --

This rims it down to ten lines.

Quoted Text FEMALE REPORTER (V.O.) (through car radio) ...Kimberly Mansfield will be executed at midnight, tonight - just six hours from now. Mansfield was convicted of the murder of William Peterson, an investment banker from the Dallas-Fort Worth area in 2012. Mansfield, William’s mistress at the time, shot him to death in the driveway of his estate. William’s wife --

Still needs work. Maybe cut "just six hours from now" or "midnight, tonight." One or the other, not both.

How about... "Mansfield, William Peterson's mistress at the time, shot him blah blah blah." That trim it to maybe seven or eight lines, which is still longer than most readers can handle. Maybe cut out unnecessary details. Maybe have the reporter drone indistinctly, volume fading in or out. Start late, leave early. There's a way to do this.

Moving on...

"A FEMALE, staffer"

I'd cap the footsteps echo sound effect. I used to not be crazy about capping sound, but it's grown on me. Sometimes, you need it to break the monotony and make the script exciting.

Don't overdo the parentheticals.

Now I'm speeding up the read, but still as thoroughly as before. Pretty good stuff, though.

Numbers are usually spelled out in dialogue. Unless it's a ridiculously large number like 5,123,456,789 or example. If it rolls off the tongue easily, spell it out. "Twenty-Eleven" would work just fine. And "New Year's Day" should be capitalized.

An affair with anniversaries? Wow. Okay.

Whoa. Nice twist!

Repeating the same slug from earlier?

Better than I expected. Excellent job.

Hmm, a drama so I'm going to have to knock points off for that as this wasn't a genre option.

Prose like descriptions to make the scenes sound sexier, points off for that as well.

A story that doesn't read like a story but more like a scene in a TV show and it's almost all dialogue, points off there.

The radio isn't necessary and sounds like painful exposition. More points knocked off.

When Kimberley and Joan were talking, I kept on forgetting which one was the prisoner. This is because the two characters sound exactly the same. More deductions!

However, that's the bad news and the points I've knocked off are small. Despite my nitpicking it's well written and the dialogue is very natural sounding and believable. They do sound like two women and you only have women in the story, although the whole concept revolves around the husband but I will let that slide.

The story unfolds through the conversation as does the drama, this is very difficult to do effectively and you pull it off.

A very decent piece for a OWC.

-Mark

Solid title
Very vague logline

P4
"I know that it’s a
difficult time."

A bit understated, not?

The plot is too passive. Almost all things are about what's off-screen and too few things are about what is in-scene.

I don't believe in the concept. Sorry. Your execution is clear and tidy, it just didn't work with me.

I'm astonished you guys know more about fashion then maybe even I do.

Smart move putting this at a MAX SECURITY prison. No men. Makes sense.

11:00 PM? Do they even allow visitors at this hour?

Quoted Text JOAN Hope? KIMBERLY That you would just die.

DAMN Kim is ruthless....I like her.

Wow, this one may be my favorite. I actually felt bad for both of them.

The thing with the pearls on the highway was a little much....but that's just me.
If I was Joan I would have watched the execution.

I don't have to much to say except....excellent!

Hey Dave. Same story here as with Jeff’s script. This was one of my top scorers, but I read it at the tail end.

I just think the characters and situation were very well done. The story’s told almost entirely through dialogue, which is hard but you handled it well. There are always places in dialogue where nipping and tucking can help, but it worked for the most part.

I think the main reason it was one of my favorite was just how much empathy both of the characters were treated with. It made it feel real and nuanced. Somehow you managed to make a story about a wife getting closure connect despite most of it taking place in one conversation.

There were some rumbles that 'Drama' wasn't an assignable genre. I didn't realize that so it didn't effect my grade. Not sure it would've.

Nice work

Quoted from EWall433 Hey Dave. Same story here as with Jeff’s script. This was one of my top scorers, but I read it at the tail end. I just think the characters and situation were very well done. The story’s told almost entirely through dialogue, which is hard but you handled it well. There are always places in dialogue where nipping and tucking can help, but it worked for the most part. I think the main reason it was one of my favorite was just how much empathy both of the characters were treated with. It made it feel real and nuanced. Somehow you managed to make a story about a wife getting closure connect despite most of it taking place in one conversation. There were some rumbles that 'Drama' wasn't an assignable genre. I didn't realize that so it didn't effect my grade. Not sure it would've. Nice work

Thanks - much appreciated

Yeah great effort Dave, This was the only one I gave an Excellent. Really got into it straight away, good story and the dialogue was realistic. Well done bro!

Dave, this was one of my few top scores too.  Really well done.  I can see this getting filmed, easily!!

Great job.

Dan

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