Straightforward revenge western and not too bad at all.

A couple of times I felt the dialogue was verging on parody, but manage to stay clear... and the end is a little predictable... but overall a decent effort.

Gallups? It's not an opinion poll.  
Gallops.
Sorry, for a first line it threw me (off the horse). I dunno, maybe you're kicking yourself. Yes, another riding pun.

Why does Belle need to talk to the drifter. ? She'd most likely avoid conversations with strangers considering the plot.

Her motive for murder to do good for 'whores', giving them work? Bit cringeworthy, but what do I know.

Just reads, with the whiskey as well, that these women are really, or should be, blokes.

CAP 'mama' - if you can replace Mama with a name, example, 'after Mama died' 'after Linda died' you cap it. You wouldn't say however, 'my Linda drove me to school.'  'My mama drove me to school. Just an FYI.

'Thank ya, hummingbird'. would work better imh if they knew each other, have a history.

Aww, Roxy cops it.

It's not bad. I just found the dialogue a bit contrived and the exposition a bit obvious. Too much explaining from  the characters. I don't think Westerns are easy or work that well as 'shorts' when they read as part of a bigger story, This reads as though it shoulda, coulda, been a feature but you'd need a lot more depth to characters.

Great title
The typical western logline but with a girl;experienced player, not a bad choice

Fix page numbers
Fix dialogue/description at page break – should end with a complete sentence, not somewhere in the middle.

Cool ending. Like how she finished Belle.

A pretty little scenario with some definite atmosphere here. It could even play out a little quicker.

Probably my favorite so far. Good job.

I saw the ending coming, but I also feel like you weren't really trying to hide it anyway, so I don't have any issues with that.  Perhaps, just to offer some sort of feedback, I would have liked it to be a little more difficult for the drifter.  Maybe with the poison angle you were playing, she could have been poisoned herself?  Just spitballing here.  

I'm not a huge fan of Westerns, but I enjoyed this one.  

Nolan

A tale of revenge... Western style

I enjoyed this although follows along with every old style Western movie, throw in a Saloon and a prostitute and a piano and you're all set.


It was well written and flowed nicely

Good job

This was the same genre that I got, had a an idea but was unable to finish in time.

Love the title to this!

Although I thought the story was pretty good I can't help but feel a bit more can be put into it, perhaps a little more tension while Drifter is nearing the end of her story, seems she was there intending to kill Belle, kind it kind of odd she will even bother faking to leave.


Good effort.

Title isn't capped.

Why is Page 1 numbered? What program did you use?

"EXT. PRAIRIE - EVENING" Usually, only DAY and NIGHT are used. Sometimes DUSK or DAWN, but very rarely.

"As wide as the day is long." I actually like this line. Tells me everything I need to know.

A horse takes an opinion poll?





Modern or period OKC? Don't know what's so distinct about St. Louis. besides the Arch. You could have used a more famous (and/or distinctive) city like New York, LA, New Orleans, or even Salt Lake City.

The obligatory saloon!  

"The bar is a well-kept, two[-]story affair."

Do we see the WOMAN whistling? If we do, we cap her.

Normally, you should remind us (in the slug) whether it's day or night. I speak from experience.  

Can you fit a Steinway into your budget?

Watch out for orphan words.

"thhe drifter" Typo. As Father Mulcahy once said on M*A*S*H, "With all due respect, Corporal, get the 'H' out of there."

"Oh, shit!" Did they talk like that in the Ol' West?

The parenthetical at the end of the page doesn't really work. And try not to go overboard on them, either.

"You're too ugly for whorin'" Did they actually talk like this in the Old West?

Normally, I wouldn't approve of such a long block of dialogue, but this actually works.

"we she run off." Intentional grammar gaffe?

Hell, the place, is usually capitalized.

Try to avoid capping dialogue.

I could see that in slow motion, then returning to normal to play that sour note on the Steinway.

"as the she jumps clear."

Raise/rise. Not sure about this one?

Now, that's a Western!   It was very good.

A little talky in the beginning, but with some polish and the right actors, that's not much of a problem.

I quite like this one actually. It got the tone right and used the characters well. I suppose I've become custom to twists in these short scripts and felt like there could've been a little something more. Or maybe just a little more depth and detail in the characters. But the spine of the story is there and it worked well for me.

Nice job.

Exposition Ridge?

Stereotype Ridge?

Lots of ing words in the action and quite a few slugs are missing DAY or NIGHT. Lots of scripts this OWC seem to be having that issue it seems. The dialogue is extremely on the nose. Painfully at times. This is a classic example of all tell and no show. The majority of the story is just three people talking at a bar. Nothing happens unitl the last two, three pages.

Not a fan. Sorry.

It was okay.  It was a simple story, no twists at all.  

I don't typically like westerns, so...

Can't really add much.  

Dan

[quote=Ashlie]

Said no madam ever!


I have to disagree.  I've seen evil women that would use other women like cattle.

I've been swamped since the end of the competition so I didn't have a chance to chime in, but now that the authors have been announced, I just wanted to thank everyone who commented on my script.

Westerns are definitely not my preferred genre, but I tried my best and was pretty pleased with the final outcome.

I saw a lot of comments on two of my descriptions, "As wide as the day is long" and the "St. Louis, Kansas City" remark.  I really wanted to convey an old west tone and thought that these conveyed such, but in retrospect, they would have never survived a second draft.

Also, I saw some critiques on Miss Belle, the brothel owner.  I actually based her on a real woman (minus the murder stuff).  There was a real brothel owner (I can't remember her name) in the 1800's who rescued abused and abandoned women and gave them jobs, while also setting up social services for men out of work and rehab for substance abusers.  I thought it would be fun to have an antagonist with such saintly qualities, but punished for her previous crimes.

Thanks again!
Brian