Retribution Ridge by Anonymous - Short, Western - A mysterious woman comes to town hell-bent on avenging the murder of her father. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This was a pretty straight forward western, but entertaining all the same.

A lot of telling when you should be showing. Over written in places, the script sort of drags as a result. A few typos here and there, but nothing egregious.

You got the western dialog down. It all flows quite well.

Not much to it in terms of surprises, but it works for what it is. Not bad.

~Zack~

"As wide as the day is long." - Not a good way to begin, IMO.  Asides as generic as this rarely if ever work, and here, it definitely does not set the scene the way you could have.

So, you label your 2nd Slug, "TOWN", and then compare it to 2 other cities, and then we find out it's actually "Retribution Ridge" - which should be the Slug.

Dialogue ain't half bad, and does sound like women from the old West.

Writing is pretty good, too, and your action is well written.  For me, far too many cliche asides and descriptions, but I bet some will enjoy them.

Story-wise, it's rather weak and very predictable, but it works for what it is.

You met the challenge and succeeded in what you set out to do.  Best one of the 1st 4 by a long shot.  Good job.

Ah the classic Western!  This was done pretty well and the writer confidently worked his way through it.

Agreed with Zack in that the exposition slowed things a bit but I guess in a 12 pager you haven't really got time to show real backstory that drives the plot along.

Nice job

Like the other Western I read, it certainly succeeds in creating a Western style atmosphere.


Interesting how similar the tropes used here are to the other one:

The mysterious visitor who looks like a man, but is really a woman. One is called the Stranger, the other the Drifter. It shows how deep these sort of things are in our minds.

I felt there was too much exposition. Like a lot of the entries we have a long, long conversation telling us the whole story. This means there's little tension.

Then it moves to an expected conclusion.

Underneath the surface there's probably some more interesting stuff going on that you could bring out, outside of the challenge. The idea of the woman killing to help other women isn't bad. If you created a very dog eat dog world where everyone is fighting for scraps and everyone is morally ambiguous, you could create a much deeper, more satisfying story.

Let me start my saying overall this was a solid effort.

Quoted Text It's no St. Louis, but in the right light it could pass for an Oklahoma City.

I'm not crazy about this description since one would have to be familiar with both of these towns to get what the author wants them to see

Quoted Text DRIFTER Daddy and I had been estranged for a spell. Trivial bullshit. I was young and in love with a gunfighter. Just wanted to travel the West together makin' a name for ourselves. Needless to say, my father didn't approve.

IMO, starting here and the two dialogue blocks that follow, way too OTN. Like you had to get all of the details out in this one page. Worse, you lose the voice of your character. When the STRANGER comes into the bar, it's terse, gruff one word sentences. And then suddenly, complete passages about the details of her life right down to her feelings about Daddy. i.e., I lost the character here.

Have Belle and Roxy more involved in drawing out this info - I think it would flow more naturally that way.  

Quoted Text Retribution Ridge

Not crazy about the town name or the title - it tries too hard. Like naming it Vigilante Village.

The setting was done well - I felt the old western grit.

Action sequences were solid.

Aside from the dialogue hiccups mentioned above - there was a lot I liked about this.

This one lacked reversals.  As written, it's straightforward and predictable, although ably written.  I think some misdirection and lying would help.

Quoted Text BELLE You're too ugly for whorin',

Said no madam ever!

Quoted Text DRIFTER Thank ya, hummingbird.

Idk why but this tickled me.

This actually wasn't too bad. I did like this one more than the other western. Mostly because it was simple and made me laugh more than I probably should have.

Anyway, I would love to learn more about Belle's murdering past, mostly bc I wanna know why?

And if the Drifter and her father are estranged then why avenge him? Curious.

Straightforward western. Good effort though,

A woman's western! Not an easy genre to write at all but in my book, this covers it all very adequately.

A good use of lean, yet mood setting descriptions. The way the characters looked and spoke sounded authentic enough and natural enough to me, although I'm no expert.  

I did start to drift off (pun intended) when the Drifter drawled on about her backstory and I could see what was coming a mile off.

I didn't see her somersaulting her way out of a shotgun blast though! That was a new one and it almost jumped the shark for me but you did enough with the rest to let me forgive this extravagance.

In the end, the tale is a very straightforward one with no surprises but you completed the challenge in a tough genre. My stetson is therefore tipped in your direction sa', you certainly haven't forgotten the face of your father.  

-Mark

One of my favourites, a well told story, nicely written, with some nice touches added.  I think this'll be a contender.  One thing I'd like to say, the 'daddy' word, isn't that more of a modern day word.  Wouldn't father or paps have been used back then?

Good luck & all the best,

Javier

Hey writer.

Well, it ticked the boxes and worked as a western, but it was just okay for me, nowt too special. This could be because I ain't a western fan, but it just didn't really move that quickly, nor did it go in any really surprising directions.

Well enough written, but just not for me

Cam

Good work for seven days worth.
Some notes: when Roxy says "can't argue with that" she sounded like Belle.
Some more complexity to this and it would be great I think.
Belle says she did it to help all the girls off the streets - maybe you could expand on that thought. I liked that thought, it gave Belle a bit of a soul. Maybe Roxy could help Drifter - maybe she has a reason as well - just want more. But it's good as is.

I believed the drifter was a woman out for vengeance. The boot on the throat was just right.

The Western is hard to get right.

Tradition has the drifter ride in alone dusty from a hard ride, meet the local barkeep with a big heart and we get the back story before retribution.  This was easy to follow and a pleasant read.

Some tightening of descriptions (especially the "A Tale of Two Cities" opener) and dialogue on a rewrite and you could confidently check Western off on your genre to do list.

I liked the hummingbird touch. Amazing how one word can add an insight to the character and color to the dialogue.

Yup, nailed every western cliche out there. Pretty transparent, just a matter of time which woman would take the slug. Good writing though to take those cliches and make them not a distraction. The ending was very Unforgivenish. Belle's last words should have been '...but I was building a whorehouse.'

Good effort.

Another Western.  Man, I don’t envy you.

“As wide as the day is long” sounds like dialogue from a western, but as a descriptive phrase, I don’t like it.

This dialogue kinda feels like someone pretending they are well versed in Westerns… which I understand because it’s probably not the genre you write often if ever.

I assume either Belle or Roxy killed Drifter’s father?

Decent little revenge story I guess.  You got dealt a bad hand and made the best of it.  Saw the reveal coming, and the story was pretty straight forward, but still not bad.

Straightforward revenge western and not too bad at all.

A couple of times I felt the dialogue was verging on parody, but manage to stay clear... and the end is a little predictable... but overall a decent effort.

Gallups? It's not an opinion poll.  
Gallops.
Sorry, for a first line it threw me (off the horse). I dunno, maybe you're kicking yourself. Yes, another riding pun.

Why does Belle need to talk to the drifter. ? She'd most likely avoid conversations with strangers considering the plot.

Her motive for murder to do good for 'whores', giving them work? Bit cringeworthy, but what do I know.

Just reads, with the whiskey as well, that these women are really, or should be, blokes.

CAP 'mama' - if you can replace Mama with a name, example, 'after Mama died' 'after Linda died' you cap it. You wouldn't say however, 'my Linda drove me to school.'  'My mama drove me to school. Just an FYI.

'Thank ya, hummingbird'. would work better imh if they knew each other, have a history.

Aww, Roxy cops it.

It's not bad. I just found the dialogue a bit contrived and the exposition a bit obvious. Too much explaining from  the characters. I don't think Westerns are easy or work that well as 'shorts' when they read as part of a bigger story, This reads as though it shoulda, coulda, been a feature but you'd need a lot more depth to characters.

Great title
The typical western logline but with a girl;experienced player, not a bad choice

Fix page numbers
Fix dialogue/description at page break – should end with a complete sentence, not somewhere in the middle.

Cool ending. Like how she finished Belle.

A pretty little scenario with some definite atmosphere here. It could even play out a little quicker.

Probably my favorite so far. Good job.

I saw the ending coming, but I also feel like you weren't really trying to hide it anyway, so I don't have any issues with that.  Perhaps, just to offer some sort of feedback, I would have liked it to be a little more difficult for the drifter.  Maybe with the poison angle you were playing, she could have been poisoned herself?  Just spitballing here.  

I'm not a huge fan of Westerns, but I enjoyed this one.  

Nolan

A tale of revenge... Western style

I enjoyed this although follows along with every old style Western movie, throw in a Saloon and a prostitute and a piano and you're all set.


It was well written and flowed nicely

Good job

This was the same genre that I got, had a an idea but was unable to finish in time.

Love the title to this!

Although I thought the story was pretty good I can't help but feel a bit more can be put into it, perhaps a little more tension while Drifter is nearing the end of her story, seems she was there intending to kill Belle, kind it kind of odd she will even bother faking to leave.


Good effort.

Title isn't capped.

Why is Page 1 numbered? What program did you use?

"EXT. PRAIRIE - EVENING" Usually, only DAY and NIGHT are used. Sometimes DUSK or DAWN, but very rarely.

"As wide as the day is long." I actually like this line. Tells me everything I need to know.

A horse takes an opinion poll?





Modern or period OKC? Don't know what's so distinct about St. Louis. besides the Arch. You could have used a more famous (and/or distinctive) city like New York, LA, New Orleans, or even Salt Lake City.

The obligatory saloon!  

"The bar is a well-kept, two[-]story affair."

Do we see the WOMAN whistling? If we do, we cap her.

Normally, you should remind us (in the slug) whether it's day or night. I speak from experience.  

Can you fit a Steinway into your budget?

Watch out for orphan words.

"thhe drifter" Typo. As Father Mulcahy once said on M*A*S*H, "With all due respect, Corporal, get the 'H' out of there."

"Oh, shit!" Did they talk like that in the Ol' West?

The parenthetical at the end of the page doesn't really work. And try not to go overboard on them, either.

"You're too ugly for whorin'" Did they actually talk like this in the Old West?

Normally, I wouldn't approve of such a long block of dialogue, but this actually works.

"we she run off." Intentional grammar gaffe?

Hell, the place, is usually capitalized.

Try to avoid capping dialogue.

I could see that in slow motion, then returning to normal to play that sour note on the Steinway.

"as the she jumps clear."

Raise/rise. Not sure about this one?

Now, that's a Western!   It was very good.

A little talky in the beginning, but with some polish and the right actors, that's not much of a problem.

I quite like this one actually. It got the tone right and used the characters well. I suppose I've become custom to twists in these short scripts and felt like there could've been a little something more. Or maybe just a little more depth and detail in the characters. But the spine of the story is there and it worked well for me.

Nice job.

Exposition Ridge?

Stereotype Ridge?

Lots of ing words in the action and quite a few slugs are missing DAY or NIGHT. Lots of scripts this OWC seem to be having that issue it seems. The dialogue is extremely on the nose. Painfully at times. This is a classic example of all tell and no show. The majority of the story is just three people talking at a bar. Nothing happens unitl the last two, three pages.

Not a fan. Sorry.

It was okay.  It was a simple story, no twists at all.  

I don't typically like westerns, so...

Can't really add much.  

Dan

[quote=Ashlie]

Said no madam ever!


I have to disagree.  I've seen evil women that would use other women like cattle.

I've been swamped since the end of the competition so I didn't have a chance to chime in, but now that the authors have been announced, I just wanted to thank everyone who commented on my script.

Westerns are definitely not my preferred genre, but I tried my best and was pretty pleased with the final outcome.

I saw a lot of comments on two of my descriptions, "As wide as the day is long" and the "St. Louis, Kansas City" remark.  I really wanted to convey an old west tone and thought that these conveyed such, but in retrospect, they would have never survived a second draft.

Also, I saw some critiques on Miss Belle, the brothel owner.  I actually based her on a real woman (minus the murder stuff).  There was a real brothel owner (I can't remember her name) in the 1800's who rescued abused and abandoned women and gave them jobs, while also setting up social services for men out of work and rehab for substance abusers.  I thought it would be fun to have an antagonist with such saintly qualities, but punished for her previous crimes.

Thanks again!
Brian