Yes...E-Mail it to me, please!!!

Ah the western! I was looking forward to this one.

I'm sure it was mentioned but there are no DAYS or NIGHTS in your slugs so that's a bit jarring. Besides that format is pretty clean throughout except for some typos I noticed with spacing in places.

The dialogue for me is hit and miss. Some of it is good and I like the use of dialect like saying kilt instead of killed. But a lot of it would sound strange being spoken out loud I think. Emily saying she's the youngest and so has to fight for everything in this world seems strange to read. The back and forth outside the house between Cora and Hope drags on and is too much unneeded exposition.

There sure are a lot of Spencer rifles in that house, which are quite expensive at the time. Continued reading shows me why they are so well armed so kudos on that.

I don't know if deserters all the way in Oregon would be an issue most people would raise. It's about as far removed from the war as one could be and I doubt it would be on the people's mind much. But that could be a great way to motivate Hope to investigate the mine as most of the young men have left to fight leaving few left.

Mary giving everything away because she lusts after Hope didn't seem like a good fit to force action. I think'd it play out better if one of the girls lets a clue or lie slip out as Hope is walking away that causes her to pause, turn around, and start the shootout right then.

The shootout is hyper graphic. I'm talking Tarantino levels of violence here. And it comes off well. I think as it's all a group of women blowing each other away it heightens the action more. Shotguns, pistols, rifles, cleaver, knives. It's a gore fest for sure. I wish Hope would have gotten injured in some way and make the fight harder for her as to put the conclusion in doubt. The way you wrote it she's like a superhero and near perfect. Make her earn it.

The end falls apart after a tight beginning. The verbal exchange between Cora and Hope seemed unnatural. Why does Cora care so much about Hope's identity? And who is Hope? If it's revealed I must have missed it.

And this is just awkward.

Now I go to your gold mine. Your
husband's mine. To free the girls
you have imprisoned there.
Innocent women to collect the gold."

Also the last scene with the freed girls on the grass having a picnic and talking calmly about being imprisoned goes on too long. If you just had Hope freeing them and leading them out we'd understand what comes next. You don't need to spell out the happily ever after for us.

Pretty good all in all. A lot of people try to emulate Tarantino's style and fail, but this did a fairly good job. You have the sudden outbreak of violence and a good setup. Just tweak the dialogue to make it more witty and entertaining and I think you'd have a winner. What if you had Cora and her girls order Hope to freeze mid dismount from her horse and so the entire conversation take place with Hope frozen half hunched in a dismount and it's not until she gets fully off they discover her gender. That'd be quite funny and play into the tension you want to build during the scene.

Quite overwritten with long descriptors. I'm amazed that a bunch of horny(?) women wouldn't of figured the stranger to be a woman by the description given (lips and skin). I'm a bit lost on the Hope/Sarah character...was she not killed in the incident when she was four, or was this her ghost out for revenge? And if she is Sarah, did she end up killing her mother (Cora) to avenge her father? Cora was the mother, right? Sorry, not a big fan of this one at all.

I was getting lost in all the different characters, and when that happened I just kind of gave up.  I couldn't figure out who was who when more and more people were introduced.  Maybe it's just late, or I've just read too many in a row right now, but I was completely lost in this one.  Sorry.

Nolan

I'm immediately jarred by the lack of TIME in your slugs... is it day or night?

And the hiding that Hope is a woman seems unlikely and pointless, but...

I liked a lot of this, the fight sequence in particular seemed very visual.

The ending didn't work for me, so maybe a re-look at that.

Decent effort though.

Hey Mr. B!

I just tried it with a different browser and it pulled up no problem. Firefox succeeded. Microsoft Edge failed.

Gary

Good effort shown here. I thought the Introduction of the daughters and the action scene were particularly well done. The story could have cut to black after the knife thrust. Dialogue could be better n places. Emily had one particularly on the nose moment when she blurted out her "Mama, I'm the youngest" dialogue.

Same with me as well, opened up this script only to see every page black.....tried your idea Mr. Blonde with downloading it, now all the pages are completely white.

OK, back in business.  Finally got his open, so as my last read, this writer gets the super detailed review!

No time elements given in the Slugs.  This writer obviously needs to update his screenwriting software, as this is a no brainer.

Opening passage isn't broken up correctly, as it's obviously multiple shots and thoughts.  "the horse" -what horse?  And, horse should be CAPPED.  "A mile ahead..." - Huh?  How are we watching or knowing this?  Are we flying over the forest all of a sudden?

2nd passage isn't part of this Slug at all, and needs a new one, as this homestead obviously has nothing to do with the forest.  If you're actually showing chickens and pigs, and the like, they should be CAPPED on 1st intro - not just humans, animals, too.

When you want to use a POV, you need to let your readers know who's POV it is...or where it's coming from.  You also need to return to scene when it's over.  BUT...I do like this here, just needs to be formatted better.

Always set off names or anything that is used as a name in dialogue with a comma(s) - in this case, "my dear".

OK, so it appears this POV continues as the women are talking?  I think that's a mistake.  I think Cora and Emily should be intro'd here, right after Emily speaks.

Page 2 - Opening passage has issues.  The first line is very awkwardly phrased, with the description at the end.  Then, you use "stylish" and "style", which doesn't read well.

Next passage is also problematic.  1st sentence Corea closing the door, then you go to a completely different shot/viewpoint, as the rider approaches.

OK, so the stranger speaks, but we don't know if it's male or female - which means, you need a wrylie here.  Telling us how the voice sounded after the dialogue is incorrect.

Dialogue on Page 2 sounds very good!  Very natural, very authentic Western. Good job!

Dialogue on Page 3 does not sound good at all, not natural, not authentic.  What happened"  Every character sounds like a completely different person now!

Page 4 dialogue not as good as Page 2, but not as bad as Page 3.  Problem is, these characters do not have a steady voice - it's changing back and forth.

Too much dialogue going on, IMO, and way too much exposition.  We've been stuck on the front porch for 3 pages now.

Page 5 - Uhhh...OK...the stranger is a woman, but for 4 pages of dialogue, no one, including us, knew that?  I don't buy this reveal.  Is her voice really that of a man or boy?

Page 6 - "She furious now..." - Who is furious?  You can't just assume anyone knows who you're referring to when you have multiple characters on screen.

"strangers" - "stranger's" - Missing an apostrophe.

Woo...out of the blue, Mary shows lesbo tendencies?  HUH?

Missing another comma in the following dialogue.

Last passage on Page 6 is a disaster.  5 lines long.  Each sentence a completely separate thought.  THis is most likely 4 separate passages, actually, all stuck together, probably to save space.  Doesn't work this way, though.

:Hope slaps her horses rump..." - Again, this passage is a mess with so many different shots and things happening.  You need to remember/understand how to break up your passages.

This brutal action would be great onscreen, but as written, it's a mess.  None of these passages are broken up even remotely correctly.  BUT, I do appreciate the action and violence - it's actually very Tarantinoish.  

OK, the end.  There's alot going on here and alot to take in.  I actually really like the concept, but when I think about it, I don't buy it.  How would Cora and her girls keep all these women slaves underground in a mine?  Are they chained together or something?

The end reveal is very strong, IMO.  BUT, I'm more than a little confused.  Hope is supposed to be Sarah, who died 12 years ago, so why did she wait 12 years?  And who is Elizabeth that Sarah/Hope is searching for?  And, where is Elizabeth?

Overall, I actually really liked this.  Title is great.  Characters are well written. Dialogue is hit and miss, but at times, very good.  Plot is quite unique and deep, but maybe a bit too big for 11/12 pages.

I think the writer missed something that would really help here...or 2 things, actually.  It appears that this "homestead" is actually the "Foster Homestead".  Secondly, I think Hope should be "Sarah" the whole time, so at the end reveal, it's clear a little clearer who she is and why she's here.

Also, the years given don't make sense to me and should be rethought - why 12 years later, Sarah returns.

And finally, the whole Elizabeth thing needs clarification.

Writing needs attention, in terms of breaking up action passages, but overall, IMO, this is a contender and deserves my kudos.

Good job!

Very well done. Will elaborate later.

Not a Western title for my taste
Solid logline

Good tension from page 1

P2/3 complicated constructed back-story about Elizabeth that feels too long in dialogue and not active in plot, could be worked out

P4 dialogue on top – feels as if we should be earlier at this point. That's where tension slightly rises again. As said, on p2-3 there is this long talk about back-story that lacks activity and story movement.

p5 No matter what I said this all feels pretty authentic, like the whole conversation of them to get some information, and then choose a point when to eventually unsheathe

I don't know if this "hiding that stranger is a woman" works, nor if it is necessary, however, it's used very effective and interweaves fine. You do this very well.

The action writing 6/7: Okay, this is not good imo. It's not broken up properly; writing is very hard on the eyes here, far too many 3-line blocks in a row. It just didn't flow easily and I stopped reading for some minutes… presentation here just dragged me out of the play so to say. And I didn't want that. Work on it.

So, the ending: What was it about that whole Elizabeth Hall thing, from the beginning? Then there's that last image with the gravestones and Rose??? Hope's true identity…

I'm not sure about some of those things yet, some to work on. There was a lot of "name-calling" for instance: Elizabeth, husband shot by daughter, Hope then calls herself Sarah…. Hard for me to put the definite relations together. More precision and clearer articulation in this regard would make this script even better.

Anyway, great characters here. Well, if you want to make a female-driven Western with a real budget that's the stuff you should do. One of my favorites.

Good western feel and a nice story but I can't suspend my disbelieve here - how could all Coras girls turn out so bad when Sara is so good and ultimately a hero?
I'd prefer if there were just a couple of girls - say Emily and Mary.

The mine should be not huge, just a few of female workers to save. The workers all female - Cora needing to kill all the men folk to employ the desolate women for free - the plot is over the top for me for that reason.

Yeah, liked this.

It wondered off in the middle and at one stage I feared it would go all lesbians in the west.

The end , the resolution,  was a tad to long, the ending should be punchier . The twist with the girls in the mines was a little left field but easy to fix.

Nice tone in parts

For a week, not bad at all.

Nice writing, a tad overwritten and some of the larger blocks could do with being broken up to spread the white space love.

But you get the scenes and action across nicely. It feels like a western and I like the idea of this woman and her mean girls kidnapping strangers to work in their gold mine.

I can't understand why you attempt to make out that the stranger is a man and I don't buy that other females don't spot this straight away. Her voice would have been a give away unless you use someone with a deep gravely voice. It seems a pointless reveal.

The dialogue here gets quite expostulation and far too detailed. It takes out the mystery, tension and believably. Even with the exposition, I was still not quite sure at the end who Hope was but I think she's the daughter who supposedly shot herself. If so, I do wonder how a 4 year old girl managed to survive on her own in the old west.

The resolution with the goldmine is rushed but I can undertand why, you were running out of time and pages. I would like to see the action extended in this and we see Hope/Sarah guns blazing, attacking the goldmine.

There's definately scope for more outside the OWC.

A good effort for one week!

-Mark

Thanks to all who read this and if you liked then thats good! I was pretty happy with it.

I stuck with the Western genre that Blondie lobbed to me (my discipline I have on myself was in no way gonna re-roll lol) I did ask him for some extra parameters as it was  a pretty open challenge anyway but he missed my post on it lol.

Original idea was for a gang of marauding chicks with heaps of violence - Ryan urged me to have plenty of carnage - but I gradually developed this tale of revenge.

I was surprised a few perps didnt realise Hope was the ghost of the murdered child Sarah (the 'tragic accident' was merely a cover up by Cora back when it happened - she cold bloodedly killed her husband and his child). I was going for a High Plains Drifter feel.  Tinkered with an idea that Sarah wasn't killed and simply sent away and comes back when she's older but it was too messy. So I stayed with the ghost/avenging angel scenario.

After I submitted this I was at work that night and suddenly realised a major omission in the story which only Jeff pointed out in his review - why does Hope/Sarah pop up out of the blue after 12 years...why that particular moment in time? I had time to go back in and insert a simple thing like its Sarah's birthday or her death anniversary, which would have been easy - Rose would see it on the headstone maybe after Hope/Sarah had mentioned it.  Anyway, I couldn't be bothered changing it even though I had heaps of time as I was tired from work lol

I have never rewritten any of the numerous OWC shorts I have done over the last 8 years as they were only done for a particular challenge. But I will revisit this one and tighten it up, flesh it out a bit as I feel pretty good about it being one of my better scripts.

Well done to all who entered! I gave one Excellent to Dave's script. I was fond of Super Scoop too and thought it was pretty funny!

Blondie, in the any future OWC, some more criteria for the theme would be good. I always hark back to the 2010 Halloween one with the wheelchair, 2 males - one female, abandoned house setting, no use of fire...that was awesome!

If anyone need another read and more comments on their script, let me know. Later!