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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Atoll's Edge - OWC - Optioned Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Atoll's Edge - OWC - Optioned  (currently 2112 views)
Don
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Atoll's Edge by Mark Renshaw (MarkRenshaw ) writing as Michelle Yeoh - Short, Action - A soldier finds herself marooned on an island, defending a mysterious orb from an ever increasing number of faceless demons, but what she's fighting for is far more precious than she realizes. - pdf, format

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Don  -  March 10th, 2019, 3:26pm
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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Some nice imagery in here.

The ending felt disconnected from the opening of the story. Some more foreshadowing of events would be in order, I believe. You need to hint that there's more going on, and you also need to find some motif to express the need for her to hold on and survive. Perhaps another character who is the opening story, who is really the woman at the end would help. So it is as though Yuna's brain is creating the story from what she's being told in the outside world. I think we need to feel Yuna really wants to die, that's she's really exhausted and had enough and it's only sheer will that's getting her through. I don't quite get that just yet.

The idea of someone fighting to hold on to life in order to give birth was a nice one. Reminded me a bit of the much underrated Kevin Costner film, Dragonfly.

Not bad.
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Female Gaze
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

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Yeah. I'm getting a little choked up..but you have to understand once you have kids...everything makes you cry.

I was more than pleased with this entry. Good job.
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DanC
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm,  A few things:
1.  There are some errors or left out words, but, that's common for the OWC.

2.  I agree with Scar Tissue.  You need to show some reason why she fights so hard.  Also, the part in the hospital lost me.  What battle are they talking about?  Cancer?  

3.  This is just a pet peeve of mine, but, the story has one big flaw.  They could have had the orb at any time, before there was someone on the island.  So, you kinda have to come up with a way that they couldn't cross a boundary perhaps, showing that the orb was now in danger, or something like that.

4.  The lack of dialog was interesting.  I would have had her talking to herself all the time, but, that's because I do talk to myself.  It was a good call.

5.  You were excellent with the battle scenes.  Really detailed.  Great scenes.  You really understand action.

6.  The reason why there were no men in your script makes total sense.

7.  Again, only a pet peeve, but, showing her washing up on the island with boat debris would have been a better call so that we understand she isn't here by choice.

Really solid entry.  Nicely done.  This was my first read and it was quite good.

7.5/10


Please read my scripts:
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Nolan
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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I'll have to agree with DanC on the issue of them getting the orb whenever they wanted to.  

i didn't really get the reveal until I read another comment, and then it made sense to me.  I mean, I understood that she was fighting to stay alive, and that this was a fantasy reality, but I didn't get the daughter thing.  Even when you wrote she was next to a new born, it still flew right over my head.  Maybe I'm just slow this afternoon :p.  Actually, I'm almost 100% sure that's the case!

I had a really easy time picturing the imagery though, great stuff!

Nolan  
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Female Gaze
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

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Ok, So when I read this I assumed she was fighting for her life after giving birth. The demons represent death (obvi) and the orb represented life (her daughters). The demons weren't after the orb they were after her.

After giving birth some women actually die from the complications and this is an interesting action short about the struggles to stay alive after bringing life into this world.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC
7.5/10


Dan, if possible, please try to avoid leaving scores in the actual script thread and score them in the scorecard. Thank you. =)


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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I figured she was in a coma, and she was trying to live long enough to give birth to the child growing in the womb.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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The scenario last 273 days....8.9 months.

She seems to have gone into a coma after having sex. Must have been a hell of a guy.
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Female Gaze
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
The scenario last 273 days....8.9 months.

She seems to have gone into a coma after having sex. Must have been a hell of a guy.


You can't be serious.

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Dreamscale
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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Logline is very poor - an atoll island?  WTF is that?  I think the writer needs to look up exactly what an atoll is.

Well, this is ambitious...that's for sure.  But, for me, a bit too ambitious.

The action writing is not bad, but it's not good enough to make this work.  The writing is not visual and because of that, it's impossible to really see this world and the action that's constantly taking place.

To have 2 Series of Shots is a problem...even 1 Series of Shots in a short is pushing it, IMO.

Attempting the Seagull's POV is again, ambitious, but none of the lines here are written properly, to show the actual POV, or even set up what it is we're supposed to be seeing.

I think Rick nailed what this is really about, but again, for me, it's too ambitious and the payout isn't worth the ride.

There's so little actual dialogue, it's hard to comment on, but the writer met the challenge and this one will be memorable.  I just wish the execution was better.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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stevie
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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Freaky stuff as yesty i only watched an early trailer for a game called Death Stranding (made by the guy that made the Metal Gear series) and it has some very similar imagery to this? Maybe the writer was influenced by it I dunno.

I wasn't a fan of the way the action was written as I ended up skimming. I will read it again to fully grasp the intent of the stroy but it seemed a bit all over the place.

Look, an admirable concept that would work better with a rewrite (but that then IMO defeats the purpose of these challenges lol)


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LC
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 8:33am Report to Moderator
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This is more like it. A one-woman army!

Little bit repetitive in the second act but I'm nitpicking.
No dialogue to judge there.

I'd tweak some of the dialogue and punctuation (commas where there should be a period/new sentence should begin) etc. and I'm not sure what era/setting or world we're in. It reads sci-fi/fantasy action but even with the back to present day recap/twist and the dialogue of the Old Lady ( I would have named Yuna's Mum, btw), seems a bit contrived in a way, probably to match it's NESB i. e., Korean/English subtitles?

The language choice/suggested subtitles is I presume a style choice.

Anyway nitpicking, like I said.

This is inventive and refreshing. Well done.



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irish eyes
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one.

The mother battling her inner demons and what they relate to in the real world(which you never mentioned) for the sake of her unborn child.

Very nice set up and well executed


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 5:24am Report to Moderator
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A Korean martial arts script. Well I can honestly say I've never seen anything like that in a OWC.

I had to look up what an Atoll was - an interesting visual idea but you may need to explain it a bit more. Saying that though, if this is all symbolic or imagined as it suggests then it can look however you want it to.

An all female cast, it certainly fits the premise of the challenge.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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