Quoted from Grandma Bear I doubt this one will get produced. Talking animals and kids....

No...it won't get produced.  I have a feeling the writer didn't intend it to...but what do I know?  

Gotta love the Swede, though

Hey Jeff. Just wanted to post my review here since this got one of my highest marks, but it came at the end of my reading while I was just reading and rating to get through by the deadline.

I liked this one a lot. Very creepy and unsettling the whole way through. I didn't need to know a whole lot about the creature. Just the little glimpses were disturbing and worked effectively.

The talking animals were interesting. I think they worked well on paper, but I'm not sure if they'd smoothly transition to live action. This might work best as an animated horror short, and the animals reminded me of South Park’s Satanic woodland critters (in a good way).

http://southpark.cc.com/clips/154748/blood-orgy

I also could see Dad’s presence being beneficial if you chose to expand it outside the challenge restrictions.

Anyway, good job.

Quoted from EWall433 Hey Jeff. Just wanted to post my review here since this got one of my highest marks, but it came at the end of my reading while I was just reading and rating to get through by the deadline. I liked this one a lot. Very creepy and unsettling the whole way through. I didn't need to know a whole lot about the creature. Just the little glimpses were disturbing and worked effectively. The talking animals were interesting. I think they worked well on paper, but I'm not sure if they'd smoothly transition to live action. This might work best as an animated horror short, and the animals reminded me of South Park’s Satanic woodland critters (in a good way). http://southpark.cc.com/clips/154748/blood-orgy I also could see Dad’s presence being beneficial if you chose to expand it outside the challenge restrictions. Anyway, good job.

Thanks, bro!

Funny, as I almost write in the logline, "animated", against it.

Also, yeah, I wanted the Dad to have a very small onscreen presence, but couldn't.

Congrats on a solid and unsettling entry that worked well.  You are a force to be reckoned with!!  

Quoted from Dreamscale No...it won't get produced.  I have a feeling the writer didn't intend it to...but what do I know?   Gotta love the Swede, though

I will reread this tomorrow and post a proper review as I wasn't in prime reviewing shape when I read this. I owe you that.  

Thanks to everyone who read and commented.  Seems like some liked this, so that's always cool.  More than a few did not seem to like this, and that's not cool.

I did try, though.  And I was and still am pretty happy with it overall.

I've been wanting to write an alien type story like this for awhile, but never got around to it.  By Tuesday, I hadn't come up with anything, so started thinking about an alien angle again.  The talking animals followed and by Thursday evening, I had things worked out in my head, and was ready to hammer it all out Friday.

It's kind of funny, as I told my girlfriend about the challenge.  When we talked Thursday night, I told her my script wold have a talking bunny, bear cub, and fawn, and she was silent for a few seconds - basically, she thought I was messing with her.  But, she read it Friday evening and said she liked it, so I was ready to submit it.

I wasn't thrilled with the title and still don't really like it.

My girlfriend has grandkids, so i am very familiar how kids of this age speak.  Some peeps didn't like the dialogue of find it believable, which surprised me.

Others didn't like the repetitive description of the inky black gelatinous mass, which i understand.  I went back and forth about changing it up or keeping it the same.

One thing I definitely was after was to keep things "unknown as long as I could, but still showing a horror element on the end of Page 1, by revealing something was on the rabbit.

I wanted to show Dad at the end, but obviously could not.  As is, I am happy with the ending, as it's left open, but still quite clear what's about to go down.

Fun challenge, good turnout, and good feedback from most.  Thanks again, Don and Sean!

Jeff, I reread your script this morning.  I think the score you received was fitting.

First off, Mr. Format...I was surprised to see you use MORNING and EVENING in your slugs. Didn't know you were okay with those. I know lots of people do and it doesn't bother me even though I stick to only DAY and NIGHT myself and leave the time of day for the action paragraphs. Again, not a complaint, just surprised you use it.  

Story wise, I still feel pretty much the same as I did after the first time I read it. I'm just going to try to offer up some suggestions on how to improve the story in my opinion.

The title is not the best for this horror. An upbeat song comes to mind and even if subconsciously, sets the wrong mood.

Early on, you have the black gelatinous stuff on the bunny, but it's not enough to set a creepy mood. I still wasn't sure if this was going to be a cutesy kid story with talking animals or something else.

Following the first hint at something sinister, we get several pages of nothing as far as mood or horror goes. I know you like dialogue and long set-ups and the dialogue was good here, but I'm not a fan of long set-ups. Especially when not much else is happening. Like I said, the dialogue was good, but I think you need to cut back on some of the chatter at the breakfast table. If not, you need to do something to set a creepier tone, otherwise, it still doesn't feel like a horror. Except for forcing a kid to eat sausage, lol!

Those were my only complaints and suggestions.  

Glad you took part and did well.  

Thank you, Pia.

As I said, I agree about the title, but also, I didn't want to the title to be a give away as to what this was really going to be about.

Hey Jeff,

Scrolling through and saw this from you and wanted to say I loved it. I liked the use of the innocent little creatures, the curiosity of the girls, the relationship issue with the parents, the fact that even daddy isn't safe....The gooey black inky stuff all along, the creepy alien... Loved it... It all worked brilliantly for me, I even got big sister using her little sisters innocence to be rude about the parents sleeping together.

Nice work!

Thanks, Kirsten.  Glad you liked it.  I appreciate the feedback.