The First Womanned Mission to Mars by Anonymous - Short, Sci Fi, Comedy - Three women get more than they bargained for on Mars - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

"Ext. Space- Day" I don't think you need "Day"uh at the end of your header. Same with the very next scene header, lose the "Day".

Some of your descriptions read a little odd.

Isn't it a little strange for Kim to be so overweight? I thought astronauts are supposed to be in shape.

Kinda of an odd tone with this one. I did chuckle a couple of times though. I wouldn't be surprised if some female readers were offended by some of this.

I'm sorry but this one just isn't cutting it for me. These are professional astronauts, yet they need one of their own to give hand signals and help them park the ship? I don't think so.

The dialog is hit and miss for me, mostly miss.

Typos galore.

The last joke was cringe worthy.

This just doesn't work. Sorry to be so negative.

~Zack~

Comedy is subjective.  Lesbian syfy is extremely subjective.  And pissers are pissers.

This comes off as a pisser and doesn't work for me at all.

Writing-wise, almost every single Slug is incorrect.  Lots of mistakes abound.

Jokes are hit and miss, but mostly big misses.

You met the challenge, assuming this isn't a pisser, but I doubt many will enjoy this.

Quoted Text EXT. SPACE - DAY SUPERIMPOSE: FIRST WOMANNED MISSION TO MARS Slowly Mars fills the frame, a sphere of red desert and fast rushing crimson clouds.

A real nit – but your Super has to be at least after the opening description – otherwise – what are you Superimposing over?

Okay – thru page 2 and I am thrown – they are seeing Mars and rather than be enamored by that they are going to argue about chores?

[img]SCARLETT (CONT'D)
Ok, buckle up fellow carpet munchers, I'm bringing her in.[/img]
Ugh – for me.

Quoted Text SCARLETT We've been travelling for three months, have finally landed on Marsand all you can say is "have fun".

Typo – Marsand

Quoted Text Their planet Erectus is full of them.

Another ugh from me

Sorry - I really did not care for this one at all. The jokes were juvenile stereotypical butch dykes, didn't do it for me and at the end of the day I had no idea what the point of the story was. I think this misses the mark.

Brilliant female dialogue.  

I could say more, I won't.  

Well, someone had to do it, I suppose.

I laughed. A lot more than I probably should have.

I thought the ending with the Wom and his antenna was top class.

Carpet Munchers in Space. Got hit written all over it. Imagine the free publicity?

Yeah had its moments, what can I say.

I got no problem with someone 'slipping in' a pisser lol. But it has to be extremely funny to pass muster in these parts.

But I guess a good effort in getting something done

Out at carpet munchers.

Writer,

Silly and fun sci-fi comedy. I suppose the writer just kinda threw this together as nothing is really fleshed out, and the jokes are crude. I know we're all
Pressed for time sometimes, but surely you could've put a bit more effort into this, and in doing so you probably would've come up with something that was a sure fire laugh fest. As is, it misses. But it could have hit! Also, you might wanna employ the help of another writer to read through and get some of those typos for you. There's a bunch of them!

Steve

I don't know how much I can offer in the line of feedback.  Like some of the others have said, this looks like a pisser.  Sorry to say, this really didn't do anything for me.  

Nolan

Curious if you were given sci-fi or comedy as your genre? I'm guessing comedy as few would opt for it. It made me think of some cheesy sci-fi show from many years ago but I can't recall the name. I think it may have been a BBC production?

Good effort for the genre, it just didn't hit me funny.

What the actual f**k?? You know, I actually giggled at how crude it was in bits, not about how funny it was but how crude it was.

This was all over the place, and I hope a pisser entry. If it was a serious attempt on how the female sex chat to each other then it clearly misses the mark. Essentially you've just transmitted bloke talk into these three ladies.

Typos, crude and fairly pointless, definitely not for me but well done on getting something down.

Cam

I agree with everyone else.  It wasn't for me.  And I'm sorry, but, that was a man.  We all know it...

Antenna my butt!!

It did make me laugh in bits, but, astronauts don't act like that at all.  

Sorry
Dan

Solid, clear title
logline says nothing (about their task, personality, obstacles to overcome …)

Oh, radically satiric in all areas.

I think that you deliberately chose stereotypes, the fat, the beauty and the (wo)man and deliberately reduced them to their sex in deliberately idiotic manner, all that haven't been a good choice since this recently raised agenda how to take this challenge. I fell into that trap as well.

Of course the humor was flat; that was one of the designed characteristics I think ("I don't care about sentiments humor"), however some jokes did land with me… anyway, don't let them tell you that you can't write the most stupid satire about woman, lesbians whatever… Those are fake arguments: We both knew that we two could laugh our ass off if there were an aggressive trash satire about men as well as we can vice versa. This is all that counts. So, I back you up on your take and watch the nonsense discussions you receive till it's over. What I expect from you in return, is that you act equally in other cases in the future. But I think you know this already...

Comedy can be hard, and dangerous. This came off like a parody of women. Overall it was too joke dependent. There was really no story to rest the jokes on top of and give them context.

For example, it would be better to know in the beginning that these women are from an all woman race, as I presume they are. They also have knowledge of an alien species despite this being their first mission to Mars. Even in a wacky comedy there needs to be some consistency and a bit of world building. If you throw world building under the bus just for a laugh, it's hard to setup future jokes. When nothing seems real, nothing seems funny. Every funny gal needs her straight lady.

Being given Comedy in a OWC is a short straw. I really don't think this genre can be compared with others for ease.

To the script. This was silly, cliched, dumb.....I liked it.

Look, it is what it is. I wonder why people read too much into things like this.

It never tried to be serious, and succeeded.  

Not my cup of...well...whatever.  Can't see this a a first mission, maybe a salvage crew or something.  Just me.  

I don't really do comedy and this didn't bring me round.

The writing is fluid enough but felt like it was a porn parody, written by a bloke, with the porn currently missing... like Flesh Gordon written now.

Didn't float my boat.

This read like a pisser. I do apologies if it wasn't and this was a serious attempt at comedy but it didn't work at all for me.

Lesbian Astronauts On Mars - It may not float my boat but I bet the SyFy channel would buy this off you no problem!

-Mark

Quoted from MarkRenshaw This read like a pisser. I do apologies if it wasn't and this was a serious attempt at comedy but it didn't work at all for me.

My sentiments exactly, but I do seriously wonder if a pisser isn't simply a form of comedy?

Originally, back in the day here at SS, pissers were known to be purposely bad scripts that ere so bad, they were hilarious.  I think that has changed a bit, in that the pisser now attempts to be funny in its complete absurdity....not just in how pathetically it's written.

I read for a few pages and then stopped. Not interested. I see what you were trying to do but not funny to me. Might have been better if the carpet munchers weren't obvious at first. Sequel titles anyone?

Quoted from grademan I read for a few pages and then stopped. Not interested. I see what you were trying to do but not funny to me. Might have been better if the carpet munchers weren't obvious at first. Sequel titles anyone?

Gaping black hole: The journey into the unknown?

Here's a few more off the top of my head...

1. Revenge of The Wom's
2. First Womanned Mission 2: The Search For Penis
3. First Womanned Mission: Escape To Uranus
4. The First Womanned Mission and The Crevasses Of Venus
5. Sunspots

I could go on...

Quoted from SAC Here's a few more off the top of my head... 1. Revenge of The Wom's 2. First Womanned Mission 2: The Search For Penis 3. First Womanned Mission: Escape To Uranus 4. The First Womanned Mission and The Crevasses Of Venus 5. Sunspots I could go on...

Wth is a WOM? lol and sunspots? what?

Penis (scoff)
They're women on mars and it's scary now.
There's power in butt stuff
The RED PLANET
Labia...whaaaaa?
Enter the Femme Thunderdome!

Wom's are the aliens in this script! Lol

Quoted from SAC Wom's are the aliens in this script! Lol

Guilty! I didn't read it yet.  

2001 Lesbians: A Space Orgy

Title isn't capped. Okay...?

Right out of the gate! In space, no one can hear you scream. Also, no one can tell whether it's day or night, Space is one of the few slugs that doesn't need a DAY/NIGHT indicator, especially EXT. SPACE.

SUPERIMPOSE: is usually shortened to SUPER: which saves you some white (no pun intended) space.

Also, the way you're using it is a substitute for INSERT TITLE. Even so, you usually leave that up to the director, unless you're directing it yourself.

"Slowly, Mars"

No need to describe; we all know what Mars looks like.

Quoted Text SCARLETT, 32, butch, with a deep voice to match and two glasses of vodka into her own party, pilots the spacecraft.

The "two glasses of vodka into her own party" is a separate thought and should be in a separate sentence. I'd actually put it in the next paragraph. An action line (and especially a character intro) should rarely (read: never) be this busy.

"There she is[,] bitches."

"...reconstitutes dehydrated cucumbers in a small
kitchen sink." *Marty McFly's voice* English, Doc!

Quoted Text JAMIE What's it look like?

Is she seriously asking what Mars looks like?  

Quoted Text SCARLETT Santa's here! JAMIE What's he look like? SCARLETT He's fat, jolly, with a white beard and wears a red suit.

See where I'm going with this? Even if this is a comedy, who's that dumb? However, take Airplane! for example: "A hospital? What is it?" (meaning, what's wrong) "It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now." (meaning, what is a hospital?) That's more of an example of misdirection.

However, you did set up a nice line:

Quoted Text SCARLETT Big and red, like Kim's ass.

Are you writing Kim for Rebel Wilson?

"Oh[,] you'd like that."

Quoted Text SCARLETT Look at the chore board.

Hell, even in space, you have to do chores?!   Fuck that!  

Quoted Text Jamie glances over to see her name filled for every chore everyday. She shakes her head.

Now you know how I feel!

Nice zingers in the dialogue. You need seasoned comedians and/or comedic actors to pull this off.

"forty[-]five degrees"

Quoted Text JAMIE I'm too pretty and young to die. I never got a chance to feel like a real woman.

This kind of dialogue usually doesn't work, unless you're writing an episode of Scream Queens (Great show, BTW). I can totally read this in Emma Roberts's voice!   Just borrow the Scream Queens cast, and there's your film.

A few missing commas.

Quoted Text SCARLETT Shit girl, go iron my shirt then.

*Don LaFontaine's voice* CINDERELLA... IN SPACE!  

I admit, the dialogue is pretty funny. I'm actually chuckling.

Barbie is a proper noun (and zealously protected by Mattel and an army of lawyers, as the "Barbie Girl" band Aqua knows all-too-well). Proper nouns are always capitalized.

"Mike?" as in microphone? Usually it's abbreviated mic. Mike is short for Michael.



Go Full SpongeBob on the time lapse, complete with an impression of the narrator/V.O.

A little too passive.

"Kim has fallen asleep, Scarlett is drinking [drinks] straight from
the bottle."

Are you sure you're not confusing O.S. and V.O.? I know one thing you're confusing!

"OK" or "okay," not "ok."

"Marsand"?! All this time I thought they were on Mars!

All Kim ever does is eat Cheetos. Ha ha.

Quoted Text Scarlett glances over. A huge metal capsule protrudes above the surface of the landscape.

Don't open it! Rita Repulsa might be in there.  

Quoted Text JAMIE What does this button do?

*Dexter's voice* Dee Dee, get out of my la-BOR-atory!  

Erectus? I see where this is going. I think.  

"And with that we..." Not necessary, though I see what you were doing.

Wow. Thanks for the laugh. Top notch comedy right here, outta this world (pun most certainly intended). Good job.

Is it wrong, that I'm envisioning Tim and Eric in space ala Red Dwarf...70's porn? No. good.

Rest assured, despite what your fellow MAN has assumed, I actually did find this funny.

One it's a comedy...it can be crude and ridiculous...like this one. It's not to be taken seriously and that's not a problem for me.

This just seems like something I'd see on Adult Swim. Weird and subversive. Would I go so far as referring to this as satire...Hmm let's see

'the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.'

YUP! So kudos on you if that's the goal, but also note that it was mostly guys noting the crudeness, bc we women can take a fucking joke.

Thanks to all the peeps that reviewed this as nothing more than a goofball comedy whether you found it funny or not.

And to all the peeps that reviewed it like was a Charles Dickens novel... it was a goofball comedy.