I liked the single white female tone - the nutter in the apartment. Also the mixed threesome, sets up a love triangle with all that potential.

After that got a little OTT for my taste...oh did I say taste, brings back memories  

The contained element, the tension between them, and the deleoping slide into madness are where I would take this

Sorry, but, I gotta do this.

I know 2 awful jokes (or some might say more than 2).  One is actually pretty funny, but, it's about the Twin Towers, so, yeah, can't tell that one anymore (no, it isn't about them going down, that would be stupid, not funny in any way)...

The other joke, and it's kinda a tie into this story goes like this:

There are these 3 drunk guys talking in a bar.  They are always complaining how their wives never appreciate them.  They always nag and whine about how they are neglected and how the husbands never do anything they say.  So, they all decide to do the very next thing that their wives ask them to do, no matter what.

A few days later, they all meet up at the bar again to discuss how it went.  Guy 3 is also carrying a bag.

Guy 1 says that when he came home that night, he accidentally hit part of the garage.  Not a lot of damage, but, enough to wake up the wife.  She came storming down the stairs, saw the damage and said, "Why don't you just knock the whole fucking thing down."  So, he did.

Guy 2 says that he came home that night and accidentally dropped a glass causing it to shatter on the floor.  His wife hears that, again, storms down the stairs, and says, "Why don't you just break everything in the house."  So, he got his sledgehammer and did just that.

Guy 3 is very quiet.  So, they ask him if he did what his wife wanted.  He nods yes.

They ask him what it was and he doesn't respond.  They get annoyed and finally, he breaks down and speaks.

Guy 3 was going down on his wife and she says, "Cut it out."  He pulls something out of his bag and says have any of you ever seen one of these up close??

I did say it was a bad joke, but, it fit the theme of the story.

I'll show myself out.

Dan

This is kinda pure insanity with a really neat twist at the end. Not really my thing overall, but it's certainly a horrific tone.

I suppose my biggest real complaint is that the characters get lost and overshadowed by the insanity it all. This is definitely a director’s script. It needs the right tone, the right shots, the right performances in order to pull off what it's trying to do.

Not my favorite, but certainly interesting.

I got lost with who was doing what to who and why... not a massive torture porn fan so this just doesnt do anything for me... and the end 'gag' felt a little lame.

"SCREAMS OF A YOUNG WOMAN IN ORGASMIC PLEASURE"

Is this all a minislug/subheading? Or a sound effect? It takes up its own line. ???

A threesome?

"clit, wet, crotch, juice." Alrighty then...

I've always seen it spelled "aesthetics." I guess both are correct.

If Daddy is a proper name, capitalize it.

Seven lines of dialogue. Try not to go overboard, unless it's too good to cut. If it reads like a Star Wars opening crawl, you've gone too far.

What's with the "daddy?" Is that a nickname/pet name?

Why is "pajamas" capitalized?

"What's up honey[?]" unless it's rhetorical.

Quoted Text SAM Nothing. I--Susanna prepares a snack for us.

Is this a typo?

"Rosie takes [a] seat beside Susanna."

Rosie and Sam aren't the only ones who are puzzled.

"just [like] Susanna's maniac eyes." I guess...?

I'm so confused, but I have three more pages, so I guess I'll read on.

"standing opposite to Sam[,] who"

Are those labia majora and minora body parts of some sort? Scientific names?

"tastes good[,] too."

Wait, "Dad[dy]" is her actual dad? Why isn't it capitalized?

*SPOILER*

I liked the twist with the Hannibal address on the letter, but overall, it wasn't for me. Too much going on, making for a confusing read.

Quoted Text Are those labia majora and minora body parts of some sort? Scientific names?

OMG! I'm crying....lol

They're parts of a woman's body, just behind the kneecap.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films They're parts of a woman's body, just behind the kneecap.

I thought they referred to the heel and pinky toe?  

Quoted from Dreamscale I thought they referred to the heel and pinky toe?

GUYS! GUYS!

You're both right.

I read for a few pages and then stopped. Not interested.

Hm, my concept was serving a female hardcore character in the category of Jigsaw, Hannibal, John Doe.

Sam and Rosie's open relationship, with Susanna as roommate who comes to play from time to time was a precondition that could have easily been accepted (and I believe it happens behind some closed doors)

but well, it was my fault, I should have trusted myself and keep this one out of the challenge because I saw it coming. Shot myself in the head sending this one into that atmosphere. Mostly I'm mad at myself because it was unintelligent and stupid.

Anyway, thanks for commenting, there's nevertheless some valuable stuff between the lines of all reviews. There were some problems in fact.

Time to close this book as soon as possible!

It's got a lot of potential.  The good parts were very good.  Your English has improved dramatically as well.

I don't think the idea is stupid at all, like seriously.  Honestly, I think this can be a pretty good story.

BUT, I do think you need to tone down the nudity/sex.  Or ramp it up.

As someone once told me, who's your audience?  If it's porn, the first half is fine, the second half, not so much.  Not many porn lovers who are into that kind of violence.  Please don't confuse porn with torture porn.  They are vastly different genres.

If this is meant for torture porn, then again, you have to cut down on the nudity.  If you study torture porn, then you realize the nudity comes at a crucial point in the plot, to increase the "arousal" of the viewer.  

I think one great torture porn scene that was way ahead of its time was in the movie:  Dagon.  The movie starts out with a steamy sex scene, but, she isn't shown naked.  By the end of the movie, when the creature comes to claim her, she's totally naked.  That was done on purpose according to the director because at the beginning, she's full of life and has power.  By the end, she's defeated, has nothing left to give, including her dignity.  

Yes, she's hot and whatnot, but, it's still a great scene.  

So, it's too full of nudity and sex for horror and too full of gore for porn.  

Figure that part out, rewrite it, and you could have yourself a very solid short.

Good luck
Dan

Just a comment:

"get her head blown away" blew me away. My first thought was a sudden out of no where bullet goes through her head. But then nothing, nada, is that it?!? Am I to assume that was a sexual event.

Quoted from CrackedAces Just a comment: "get her head blown away" blew me away. My first thought was a sudden out of no where bullet goes through her head. But then nothing, nada, is that it?!? Am I to assume that was a sexual event.

Yes, do assume the latter. Apparently, bad writing of me here since I wasn't aware that a metaphorical "getting her head blown away" in context to sexual activities is strange or unqualified wording in colloquial English.

Then she's obviously alive in the very next lines… so what…

I had so many issues because of this script; suppressed any thought of having written it, that it felt it's 5 years ago rather than one only; so thanks for digging it up again :-)

Rereading it now, the script is intellectually ahead of its time.

It's an extremely non-linear script when regarding its topic; beginning from a completely sexualized storyline… and moving bit by bit into a dark psychological demanding area within the overall subject. These days such first act approach is superficially seen with a finger on it calling it a cliché ( probably even misogynic) impression, especially to have lesbian sex in there when the parameters were "all female".

As I said somewhere above, just a dumb choice of me to go that route. I should have known. Originally, to me it was rather "just" sex as real character development than I'd see any emphasis on "lesbian" sex at all.  I got no interest in that way of political association or thinking.  

Instead I actually broke the exact cliché on its head by going that route, presenting bland sex, more specific same sex, more specific female same sex... then the plot drifts into havoc.

And they spit on it.

It's ahead of its times that's what it is. I keep my fingers off those stories from now. But thanks for letting me reflect again on this one; it closes a circle for me as a self-therapy ;-)