All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Got a mother in it and another unnamed woman in high heels, so fails the challenge.
I didn't really get the point of the story, either.
I can't really give any advice because I don't really know what it's about. Ned's either gone mad, or he's been set up, but I can't follow the thread of either of those possibilities. The story, judging by the narrator, seems to want to be about a man seeking perfection and coming undone, but I don't see that actually happening in the script.
Not sure about the slug here. We are really inside and outside the car throughout the first scene. This is one of those places where I think INT/EXT – BLACK CONVERTIBLE ON DESERT ROAD (TRAVELLING) is more accurate.
I would probably add a little description for the Narrator
Quoted Text
Another crack of lightning, an even louder rumble of thunder. The car narrowly misses the Narrator standing on the road.
Ned’s car whizzed by him in the opening – This was confusing for me. Is the narrator changing locations?
On the story - I got confused in parts during Ned's ordeal at the end.
Generally, the writing was solid but I felt a bit unrewarded by the ending. Just some loose connections - e.g., what was his relationship to Max - why is he in this? What about pursing perfection really leads here, etc.?
Gonna read it again later - make sure I didn't miss the mark
Opening Slug is incorrect. Even if your point is that this is an open convertible, the Slug is wrong, as Eldave correctly pointed out.
Narrator? Really? On the road? Like Twilight Zone or Night Gallery? Yeah...uh...no...doesn't work for me at all.
Well, I'm out on Page 1, as there is a female in "Mom", which immediately fails the challenge parameters. Sorry, but this was very simple in having only 1 sex in the script.
Read the other comments and I have to disagree about the opening slug. It's fine with me until you move INTO the car with the driver. Then you need an INT slug IMO.
Hmm Narrator huh? Original. I like stuff like this. It will drive the regulars crazy. One of my favorite all time movies is Moonrise Kingdom and they put a silly little Narrator guy in that flick. Also just started watching a Netflix series called Series of Unfortunate Events and they use a narrator in that. Got balls. Whether they are girl balls or guy ball I'm not sure because you have both men & women in this thing. Hmmmm wasn't that against the rules?? Well, I guess I could let this pass because she doesn't really speak and she's not seen all the way.
I still loved parts where you would freeze the screen. I could see that while I was reading.
Ok maybe I am weird but I like this piece. Good writing. Good dialogue(in the narrator). Unique feel. Mystery. I care about Ned.
I am still not sure I understand this completely. But nevertheless I really liked it. Good job writer.
This is great and all and I think we ladies have decided not to comment on each other's work just yet(at least I haven't).....but YOU"VE NEVER SEEN A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS the movie???? How?
This is great and all and I think we ladies have decided not to comment on each other's work just yet(at least I haven't).....but YOU"VE NEVER SEEN A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS the movie???? How?
That is all.
Uhhh...you gals can and should comment on all the scripts...why not on the few female entries?
Bottom line here, as Rick and I clearly said, is that there are female characters and that makes this a complete fail, as it bucks the 1 rule we had here.
Personally, I enjoyed the writing. I was a little confused with the Narrator being on the road though, and everywhere else.
I don't know what is going on. Was he always crazy, or did he actually have this life and end up going crazy somehow? Or did something happen while he was driving? I'm guessing the writer wanted it to be like that, which I have no problem with.
Anyway, despite the fact that there was a female in this, and technically it did fail the challenge, I didn't mind it.
Sorry. I didn't know, because I'm female, I wasn't allowed to comment on this one. I did not even enter a script. I was simply looking to read last night and picked this one.
I won't read anymore. Sorry if I ruined this for any of the females that were in the challenge. I'm out.
No, me and LC were referring to JUST US bc we were the only ladies who entered this time around as it would ruin the anonymity.
Some good writing skills on display here. For my personal tastes it was a little too detailed, it made me think I was reading a short story instead of a script. If I were producing this I'd be struggling to get hold of the sheer amount of props and film a lot of the stuff mentioned in the script which are not actually essential to the story.
It seems to have mixed genders in this but I'll let that slip.
I'm currently watching A Series of Unfortunate Events on Netflix and the narrator really reminds me of that, it made me chuckle. Although it seems he's the guy from the Twilight Zone?
There's quite a few camera shots specified. You don't normally specify camera shots in a spec script, a shooting script does that. Let your action tell us what we see, that will tell us all we need to know.
As for the story itself I became quite lost in the house. I don't know why he was there and what was going on. Did he really ask for the dog to go get help? I'm not sure if he's died in the car crash and this is some kind of hell or if he's somehow ended up in his friends house?
A decent effort, nice writing but it didn't seem to meet the criteria of the challenge (for me anyway) and I can't really figure out the story.
-Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
I was just kidding, but i guess it really is Rod Serling.
Not entirely sure what's going on, but does that count as a woman in the script on page 8?
"Stoopid Goon?"
I was engaged, but somehow didn't care the whole time. No offense.
I'm not sure that twist was earned, and i'm not sure i even followed everything. The writing wasn't bad, but overall, i'm not too high on this story... and i admit it could just be b/c i'm a moron and didn't absorb a few key lines i was supposed to.
I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.
"Career" Highlights -2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page. -One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back. -I have made more than $1000 with my writing! -I've won 2 mugs... and a thong. (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)
So many questions, many of which have already been noted. He had a phone at the end? Or did he? Was virtually the entire story in his head except when they came to take him away? I wanted to like it, being a huge TZ fan but it wasn't my cup.
It would be hard to write this story without a woman or two in the cast.
Some alright stuff here, but I gotta say it did go on for a fair bit. I know there's a page limit, but you don't need to fill the entire thing,could have easily chopped this down in scale as it just seemed to be filling pages to match the limit.
Anyway, it read pretty well in parts, but it didn't really grab me by the proverbials and take me anywhere. The writing was good, pace moved around a bit and it seemed to be correctly formatted, I'd just have liked something a bit more exciting or engaging.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
I liked the idea of a narrator of a man's story, but you then need to pull it off well and this is where is wondered off course.
Did he go down a cliff? Was there someone with his wife? Why did his dog not know him etc etc etc
As you said, it has a twilight zone feel, a touch of madnes, a losing of reality, but even underneath these conditions it needs to hold together, like a Hitchcock film.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Dialing up the Twilight Zone huh? Not a bad choice, but it would have been better if you didn't. It's been done already. Leave it alone. Bigger problem was I really had no idea what was going on this whole time. Had a decent, if not wordy, set up, but when it came time for the payoff it completely lost me. Like I said, and maybe it's just me, but I really had no idea what was happening and why. Why Ned? Was he such a bad guy? Didn't seem like it. No rhyme or reason I could find, and left me feeling confused. Sorry, writer. Just didn't work for me. But good on fashioning a piece of this length in the time provided. If you rewrite it, go for a little clarity.
I liked this but I think it needs a rewrite. The Narrator - not a fan of narrators and wasn't crazy about yours either. Also I don't think you built up to the ending properly - I think we deserve a little give always scattered around to make guesses about what's going on. I started thinking he was in altered reality - SF stuff. But he's sick - that's different. You could make us start suspecting the other man or someone - I didn't, not even Mark.
The reason I'm saying I still liked it - I was interested to see it through - who he is and what his fate is. And this is not little.
I'm not a fan of fan stories. While I enjoy twilight zone stories as much as the next person, I would rather do without Rod. And this one reminds me of the Dick York episode where the coin stood on edge all day. I liked that one.
Seems to break the rules with a female character in the first pages... but hey see where it goes...
Not keen on all the camera/shot direction, or Narrator, but that's just me... ah Rod Serling, makes little more sense...
His confusion and reactions to his capture were well done and his confusion came through well, but then I got confused and I'm not entirely sure what happened.
Solid title Logline completely lacks information, orientation, and general identification like: Conflict, plot, character, atmosphere, world, raise expectations, mirror the genre… there's nothing of it.
(All that discussion on female stereotypes, their physical descriptions, everywhere and everywhere, and here I immediately and especially unintentionally connect the whole character description of this guy to probably the coolest, biggest male sex symbol of the last century - James Dean – the ultimate man. Unreal… was that all a joke and a show even before and during the whole challenge…what a disservice this climate was, and it's sad how many people adapted those fake arguments, burnt scripts before looking beyond, read things into them – unreal – So, should I take the chance now and bail on Dean in his typical Porsche roadster, cigarette hanging from his mouth, cool as shit in body language, fluffy hair, looks better than his clothes??? A last pfff!!! It was all hot air…)
Whatever, it wasn't and isn't my game, nor focus with all those scripts, not at all,
so fortunately I can say the whole opening scene looks fine, very good descriptions, well presented visuals, especially the stuff with the narrator on the street felt pretty unique.
Both genders – fails our (reversal) Bechdel test of this challenge, so slight minus point for sure
The second half of p3 is simply great, atmospheric, calm… talented presented, unique
I like the progressing change of rhythm you execute then as well. A great acceleration of the story there, exactly at the right time.
I'm at p11, and this is all been built up in fantastic manner, the tension is there – I'm so excited what happens on the last page!
Okay. This is David Lynch territory. Up my alley – Yes. Completely.
But it's not entirely there yet. I think you know that.
I feel the final concept of the script, just because of the ending, is a bit vague and safe… which sounds crazy considering the script's content.
I try to explain: In spite of the crazy stuff with the boy, I still always had the feeling there's a huge possibility for a definitely "real" and "causal" conclusion to come. So the ending felt more like an escape to explain the "twilight/split reality/illusion" concept or whatever we may call it. There was too big of a divergence in case of my personal expectations "how it could end" so to say. Sometimes that can feel a bit strange.
It's nevertheless my favorite script here if nothing extremely crazy happens in my last reads.
A great execution. Some phone calls to cut, some to rethink in case what I said about the ending (<-imo!!! And that said, this consistency of concept could also possibly be found in act one or two – and not in the actual execution of the ending -- rather in the IMPACT of the ending concerning the whole experience)
The script violated the most important rule of the challenge ALTHOUGH in the OWC I give a bigger margin in favor of the writer and respect if that's what the writer found – so be it. So, of course, I vote for the awesome read!!!
Just great, aesthetic, imaginative, thrilling… it's enough now, right…???
The script violated the most important rule of the challenge ALTHOUGH in the OWC I give a bigger margin in favor of the writer and respect if that's what the writer found – so be it. So, of course, I vote for the awesome read!!!
Just great, aesthetic, imaginative, thrilling… it's enough now, right…???
Wrong! How can you vote for a script that broke 1 of only 2 challenge parameters? Really? C'mon, bro...you can't do that. If everyone was able to break this requirement, many of the entries would not have the problems they have.
This script cannot be considered, based on the fact it broke the rule. Period!!!
Wrong! How can you vote for a script that broke 1 of only 2 challenge parameters? Really? C'mon, bro...you can't do that. If everyone was able to break this requirement, many of the entries would not have the problems they have.
This script cannot be considered, based on the fact it broke the rule. Period!!!
I understand your argument. The deduction I considered are in no contrast to my sympathy for the script. Feelings are more important to me than absolute strictness, what may be wrong in the eyes of others. As said, I understand your argument.
That it is not going to be my only high score and that it probably has no slightest chance to "win" does not matter, we agree on this, right? It's a principle thing, right...
So what consequence does such violation of parameters have in case of your assessment? Is it the lowest score no matter what?
I understand your argument. The deduction I considered are in no contrast to my sympathy for the script. Feelings are more important to me than absolute strictness, what may be wrong in the eyes of others. As said, I understand your argument.
That it is not going to be my only high score and that it probably has no slightest chance to "win" does not matter, we agree on this, right? It's a principle thing, right...
So what consequence does such violation of parameters have in case of your assessment? Is it the lowest score no matter what?
It should simply be excluded from voting, as it's not eligible.
It's like a challenge of writing a script that completely takes place on a plane, and the writer has scenes in an airport, hotel, luxury resort, desert island, underwater, etc.
There are two instances of female characters in Ned's delusion.
The narrator was chatty, started too early and told us things we had already figured out. Rod was always monotone, terse and late. However, once I got to the end of his narration, I was getting into it.
Confused by the sentence, "Small change in the console..." Would "Loose change" work better?
Ned was driving full out, likely one hand on the wheel, when he flipped the lightest coin in U.S. currency?
Hey, wait a minute. Are you making fun of males? Ned as every man?
It should simply be excluded from voting, as it's not eligible.
It's like a challenge of writing a script that completely takes place on a plane, and the writer has scenes in an airport, hotel, luxury resort, desert island, underwater, etc.
It doesn't meet the challenge, so it's out.
You didn't answer the question, bro. I may assume you generally don't vote on those scripts or vote poor or pass…
Still, I personally give a little margin to everyone (as the host obviously did as well )... Should you use that margin? Probably not, because several others will have their justified reasons to say I don't accept that kind of overstepping the line.
I think there were also some scripts that miss their main genre parameters pretty completely. What about those?
But don't get me wrong, I truly understand and accept your position throughout.
It should simply be excluded from voting, as it's not eligible.
It's like a challenge of writing a script that completely takes place on a plane, and the writer has scenes in an airport, hotel, luxury resort, desert island, underwater, etc.
It doesn't meet the challenge, so it's out.
Jeff,
I don't subscribe to that type of theory. Perhaps it loses points (not automatically to Poor, if it's an Excellent, despite that, but you get the idea) for breaking the rules, but I generally try to avoid DQing ideas. Somebody makes a mistake, but they actually didn't break the first rule (the first rule is to finish a script in a week) and they can be graded according to each individual's standards. Some things bother people more than others. Just one of those things, I suppose.
To each his own, of course, but for me, it's so clear and simple, I'm surprised some see this differently.
Prussian, I grade each script I open, but if it doesn't meet the parameters, it's either a pass of a poor, depending on the kind of grading we're using.
Sean, I see your point, but if something like was to place, you're going to have alot of pissed off writers who will say, "Fuck...I could have totally saved my entry, if I just completely didn't follow the challenge parameters". And, that's not what you want happening.
Sean, I see your point, but if something like was to place, you're going to have alot of pissed off writers who will say, "Fuck...I could have totally saved my entry, if I just completely didn't follow the challenge parameters". And, that's not what you want happening.
Jeff, you're absolutely right. If this were a contest and something placed, despite not adhering to the rules, that might be irritating. But, these aren't contests, Jeff. They're friendly exercises to help people improve as writers. As a result, it's not exactly Earth-shattering if they stick to the letter of the law.
That said, sorry for derailing-ish the thread. Back to reviewing. =)
Narration could be more concise than this. Especially considering how short it is. Most times Rod Serling’s narration took up less time than this for a half-hour story.
I have to agree this broke the rules, and I'm not sure it really had to. But the bigger issue is I'm not sure of most things in this piece. The narration sets up one thing, then we’re brought to a completely different place and situation. I'll admit I was intrigued at what was going on, but the ending seemed like a bit of cheat. I feel like I could go to any random script in the challenge, lop off the last two pages and write a ‘he was crazy all along' and it would've been about as consistent or relevant as it was here. It just doesn't tie to the set up strongly enough. So this was a bit disappointing by the end.
Enjoyed the writing on this one, especially the bit where he is in the room with only a keyhole to look through. This part had me focused, was hoping it would lead to something good, but like others, I'm not really sure what is going on. I'm assuming he crashed his car and had severe head trauma due to that crash. So much so that he needs to be in a mental institution.
Not sure if this breaks the rules though, we never really see his wife in full form save for the pictures, other times we see only her boots or lips.
Well, this story starts off fine and I do like the narrator. I have a soft spot in my heart for TZ and I was settling in for a fun time with a Zonish story. Then it kind of fell apart. The back end of this threw me and I could never recover. I think there is a solid story here, but it needs to be more consistent with the first part. I'd veer away from the 'insanity' angle. An ambitious piece, for sure. Good luck if you decide to rewrite.
Thanks to all who took the time to read, comment, vote.
Yes, I did break the big rule.
Bear in mind I was one of the first to query Blondie if even a dead body could appear in the background.
Now bear in mind I'd given every indication I was entering as one of the female contingent.
If other females had in fact entered the challenge I would have pulled this. The story wasn't ready. The woman had to go.
However, there is such a thing as not letting the side down. And though all of us will agree that Ashlie can more than adequately hold her own on these boards, when Kham said her entry was not going to cut it, that was the clincher.
There needed to be at least two of us for solidarity, and also to cast doubt on who wrote what. This is an essential part of the anon challenge.
I made the decision to suck it up, complete with rough draft, stiletto heels and pregnant belly.
I think I did well with parts of my story, male dialogue, imagery etc.
For those of you who commented, (especially in a positive way) appreciated the writing, and story that was there and also voted, thank you.
Not a bad score considering... Not bad at all considering some of you declined to read, comment, vote, and DQ'd it.
For those of you who got a bit heated over this, there's a mug at stake, not $5000. Even then, c'mon, I wouldn't have accepted it.
Thanks to all who took the time to read, comment, vote.
Yes, I did break the big rule.
Bear in mind I was one of the first to query Blondie if even a dead body could appear in the background.
Now bear in mind I'd given every indication I was entering as one of the female contingent.
If other females had in fact entered the challenge I would have pulled this. The story wasn't ready. The woman had to go.
However, there is such a thing as not letting the side down. And though all of us will agree that Ashlie can more than adequately hold her own on these boards, when Kham said her entry was not going to cut it, that was the clincher.
There needed to be at least two of us for solidarity, and also to cast doubt on who wrote what. This is an essential part of the anon challenge.
I made the decision to suck it up, complete with rough draft, stiletto heels and pregnant belly.
I think I did well with parts of my story, male dialogue, imagery etc.
For those of you who commented, (especially in a positive way) appreciated the writing, and story that was there and also voted, thank you.
Not a bad score considering... Not bad at all considering some of you declined to read, comment, vote, and DQ'd it.
For those of you who got a bit heated over this, there's a mug at stake, not $5000. Even then, c'mon, I wouldn't have accepted it.
Roll on the next OWC. I want me a mug.
Whoo! I am more than sure most people had assumed yours was mines and vice versa.
I am thrilled you did this OWC. As the only two females involved I think we did them proud.
(congrats on the belly) and for wearing stilettos....I wore earrings during mine..
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Not this time, Gal. Not this time. Not this f***ing time. No. No no no no no no no no no! No! No no no no no no no no no no no no no! No! Not this f***ing time! No f***ing way! No f***ing way, no f***ing way, no f***ing way! You've made me look a right...
He's protesting a bit more than me but...
Ashlie, Dan, before this rumour takes off big time :
Nope. I am not up the duff, bun in the oven, whatever you want to call it.
Just shows one should not use poetic license in responses.
In my script the unseen female character is shown, pregnant in one scene, wearing stilettos in another.
Sorry for the confusion and apparently not making it crystal that this not what I meant literally.
Hold off on the booties and teddy bears for now folks.
** Oh, and yes, Ashlie, as the only two gals in the challenge we did ourselves proud. Thanks for being in the thick of it with me.
Not this time, Gal. Not this time. Not this f***ing time. No. No no no no no no no no no! No! No no no no no no no no no no no no no! No! Not this f***ing time! No f***ing way! No f***ing way, no f***ing way, no f***ing way! You've made me look a right...
He's protesting a bit more than me but...
Ashlie, Dan, before this rumour takes off big time :
Nope. I am not up the duff, bun in the oven, whatever you want to call it.
Just shows one should not use poetic license in responses.
In my script the unseen female character is shown, pregnant in one scene, wearing stilettos in another.
Sorry for the confusion and apparently not making it crystal that this not what I meant literally.
Hold off on the booties and teddy bears for now folks.
** Oh, and yes, Ashlie, as the only two gals in the challenge we did ourselves proud. Thanks for being in the thick of it with me.
See I knew it....that's why I used () I wasn't sure.
I really liked this. It was one of the first ones I read, and I appreciate someone who isn't afraid to push the bar a little. I personally didn't even think you broke the challenge but you know ...rule police around here... Great job with the narrator. I think the ending could use some work. Great writing throughout.
Pages: 
Author
Life On A Dime - OWC
Logged
Also just started watching a Netflix series called Series of Unfortunate Events and they use a narrator in that. Got balls. Whether they are girl balls or guy ball I'm not sure because you have both men & women in this thing. Hmmmm wasn't that against the rules?? Well, I guess I could let this pass because she doesn't really speak and she's not seen all the way. 
Locked Board