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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Lipstick and Dynamite - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Lipstick and Dynamite - OWC  (currently 2872 views)
Cameron
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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This is an interesting one.

There's a couple of small typos but overall the writing style is clear and the formatting, to my eyes anyway, was pretty much there. The story line worked, a nice little twist, all pretty positive.

Where it lacked for myself is the pace was properly slow, it dragged a fair bit and made the reading tough. This may be my only criticism but it's a biggie, as the only reason I managed to get through it was the storyline kept me interested.

Mix the pace up a bit, you've clearly got the skill to craft a piece of work like this so just complete the package.

Anyway, pretty good effort

Cam
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khamanna
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 6:02am Report to Moderator
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The women sound natural and the dialog is pretty good but it was hard to get into this for some reason.

For me it's a talking heads entry. The reason is its structure - you build slow, not letting us know why the should fight over Mother for a long time. Then they keep talking about who did what for Mother and I miss action and motivation... I might have missed the motivation behind their fude - it's a bit subtle for me as well.

Maybe if I retread it and made myself get into this...
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: February 1st, 2017, 3:28am Report to Moderator
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A solid piece for a OWC. The writing shows you have talent and style. I'd suggest focusing more on character, dialogue, story and less on the insignificant details. It takes almost a full full two minutes before these characters start talking and all because you describe in detail things that are not important and will probably be changed if this was produced.

For a short, it is better to start as late as possible. You could have started this with "Well, thanks for joining me on such short notice." and lost nothing. Everything else could have been explained naturally as you went along.

We then have a long conversation. Dialogue is good and these two ladies are snappy but they sound identical.

We finally get some action at the end but the dynamite and the twist feels a bit out of left field.  

The ending to me seems perfect for a Tarantino style film and even the title would be one Quentin himself would use I'm sure. So my advice is to make the whole short like this. If you give it more of a Tarantino touch all the way through instead of just the end, make the dialogue more snappy and ludicrous, make the characters larger than life then (in my opinion of course) this would be excellent.

However it is good and meets the criteria of the challenge, well done!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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ChrisBodily
Posted: February 1st, 2017, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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I'm glad I'm not the only one curious about the "cat and mouth" in the logline. I decided to read this due to the "Robbin' the graves" pun.

"Blue jeans loves..." Grammar?

Wow, that's a pretty up-to-date business card.

Ooh, Armani. Expensive.

Not famikliar with that specific model of watch. Must be as expensive as the Armani.

"A" sugar? A spoonful? A cube? Packet? One tiny grain? Typo?

"The two women size up each other." Not familiar with that expression.

"A small-caliber handgun." Make? Model? Caliber?

"Back to Phyllis, who run(s) her tongue over the coffee stirrer." (?) You mean "spoon?" I'm confused.


Quoted Text
PHYLLIS
Bullshit. You have no cred, no resume. When she's done with you, you'll be as broke as the day [you] came into the world.


I think "Then" needs a comma.

"Dangerously unpredictable." Where have I heard that term before? *cough*Trump*cough*

A seven-line chunk of dialogue? You might wanna break it up or shorten it. I'd actually cut out all but the first and last sentences.

Can Phyllis please also remove Trump from power? Why the underlines?

"Daughter Frankenstein" ??? What does Frankenstein have to do with anything?

"Phyllis's eyes widen: MURDER THE BITCH." I could easily visualize this, and see it in film.

"Skyrockets" is one word. "Counteroffer" doesn't need a hyphen.

Is it a manila envelope?

"Bots her dark red lips on the envelope." I guess that explains "cat and mouth?"

Are you telling us to listen coyly to the back-and-forth?

XJS?? Huh? Had to Google this. Apparently, the last model was made in 1996.

Phalaropes? Who? What? Google says it;s a bird. Still confused.

Why not just tell us it's Dorothy?

"Eyewitnesses" doesn't need a hyphen.

Car won't start? Did you remember to bring more plutonium? #BacktotheFuture

Numbers are usually spelled out in dialogue. Don't know how to handle 911 in this case; I guess leave it to personal preference.

You hear the door slam and realize there's nowhere left to run.

There's the titular dynamite. Somewhere, Jimmie Walker is happy about this.

"Calibre." British?

*SPOILER*

WTF? The Mother killed Cherry???

And Why is THE END at the top of page 11, wasting a whole page? And why is it left aligned? You could just as easily remove THE END and save a page.

It was a little better than I thought it was gonna be. I actually made it all the way through. Not much else I can add.


FADE IN:
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RichardR
Posted: February 2nd, 2017, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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I don't mind the story too much except I didn't find a reason for the old lady to pop Cherry.  Did I miss something?  And there's no guarantee that Cherry is going to tell 911 that the other babe is following.  And of course, the other babe may well have the best alibi in the world.  Hence, the old lady did all this for naught.  Too many holes for me.
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SAC
Posted: February 2nd, 2017, 10:54am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Writer,

Good writing here that was a bit too wordy. I would've cut down some of the exposition, tightened up the action and made this more insistent. That's not to say it wasn't. You built good tension, and I loved how you worded some of this - the Jaguar growls to life. I appreciate things like that, and there was more like that here, and I liked it. Good writing that needs a polish. However, the story went by too quick and the final twist didn't have the impact you were going for. It makes sense, but it just didn't floor me. I feel this piece needed something else to it - not quite sure what, but it was so straightforward that when the reveal was shown it was just like ... well, oh yeah, that makes sense. Too neat. I don't think I'm making any sense here! Anyway, it was a very good effort for the challenge. Good job!

Steve


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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: February 2nd, 2017, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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The pendulum really swung back and forth for me on this piece.

I like the fast paced, slick writing style, but I hated the dialogue.  The whole thing kind of reminded me of a Kevin Williamson script in all of the best and the worst ways.

One big issue I had was the whole piece was a bit too vague.  Why the double cross?  Why go through the whole charade?  It left me with too many questions.

I'd definitely love to see more of this author's work when not tied to the rules of the OWC.  While I ultimately didn't care for this piece, I'm sure he has written some content that I would love.

Brian


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 2nd, 2017, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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I think the descriptions are overdone, and some aren't really possible, e.g. how can we tell anything about Phylis's calves when she's wearing slacks.

But I liked the exchange in the burger joint, flowed nicely.

Unfortunately the end didn't work me, left me scratching my head a bit.

Decent effort,


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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irish eyes
Posted: February 3rd, 2017, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this.

I thought Phylis's  lesbian lover would have been the killer.  I would have less dialogue and more of the tension car scene at the end.  

Overall I great entry for me


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PrussianMosby
Posted: February 3rd, 2017, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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This is a very good title, there's for sure an ironic touch dragging this into comedy as subgenre
Logline exactly SAME

generally interesting plot so far

but second half of p 5 dialogue eventually is too mucho, too slow, too repetitive.

Okay, plot was good but your execution was overwritten. The concept would fit better into 6-7 pages only Imo.

I liked the characters. Good work.

@logline was more focused on the final reveal, check that if you like. There was a moment in the script when I thought: wait that isn't exactly how this script was sold to me…



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DanC
Posted: February 3rd, 2017, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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I feel betrayed.  I don't get the ending at all.  I mean, it makes no sense:
SPOILERS
Why would the mother kill the woman she hired?  

We need to know something.  


This didn't work for me.


Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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grademan
Posted: February 3rd, 2017, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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Cat and mouth - let's see. Yup.  It's a game of which bitch will be the rich bitch. Apparently, that prize is awarded by the richest bitch. This was decent. A little more buildup in the point and counter of their insults would help. I felt the THIS BITCH MUST DIE moment hadn't arrived yet. The rest was fine - a bit wordy but I got used to it. FWIW, I could see this scenario play out as film noir in a fancy restaurant.
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