Zoom by Anthony Cawood (AnthonyCawood) Writing as Angela Anaïs Juana Antolina Rosa Edelmira Nin - Short, Erotic Thriller - A couple's illicit affair is forced to go virtual due to a pesky global pandemic, and if that wasn't bad enough someone else wants in. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The premise for this one was really good. And the script didn't disappoint. I enjoyed this one. And it's low budget!

I love the cat and mouse game here that Sandra plays. The one flaw though is one of her conditions... threatening to send each of their parents' the photos of the affair in mid-coitus. I feel like the stakes should get higher and higher. Yeah, sending the video to all their friends and un-digitizing their faces is a good one... but sending it to the parents, I dunno, doesn't feel as bad as getting caught cheating by your wife, which is what happens.

Anyway, that was the one thing I didn't like. Other than that, great job!

-- Michael

Hey, this was really great and I enjoyed it!

I loved that Domino insisted on being paid upfront. This girl has her priorities right.  

Chiropodist/Podiatrist. Ha! What's in a name.

I think the cherry trick is a bit passé, but it still works and I can't think of what would be a good replacement.

Up the stakes a bit is all I'd say.

Here:

SANDRA (V.O.)
You are going nowhere missy!
DOMINO
Honestly, I've got someone else to ­­
SANDRA
Disconnect from Zoom and everyone in
your apartment complex will get an
email explaining your real source of
income.

Domino could easily have just hung up. I think Sandra needs to say something fast and more threatening in place of ' you're going nowhere, Missy'. I did like the use of the word Missy though. Suitably condescending. Perhaps Sandra having Cyber security talents can keep her on the line despite her trying to hang up?

Having it sent to parents - meh.
Up the stakes to something really damaging imho. Ever see that Black Mirror episode Shut Up and Dance ?
Harrowing. But of course this is more in the 'entertaining' realm.

And entertain you did.
Great job!

P.S. Sp. Ambience.  Pronounced like 'ambiance' - just saying.

Forgot to say: Great title!

Mmm... You really know how to hook us in quickly, don'tcha? What I loved was your logline. Your writing is solid, Your dialogue flowed well and was believable, no qualms there. My esteemed colleagues made a a good observation. I bit more thrill though. A very fine entry on your hands. Best of Irish luck!-A

Nice work here. I really enjoyed it. The characters were delicious in all senses of the word. The writing on display was very nice. I did feel like you ran out of pages on this one. Needed one or two more. Didn't even have room for a FADE OUT so the ending felt abrupt to me.

The stakes did feel a little low on this one. So it comes up short on the thriller part of the challenge. I mean it already looks like Adam's heading for divorce court, but for Domino? I guess maybe the holidays would be a little rough after this.

All in all nice work.

James

Hi writer,

Yep, definitely a low-budget erotic thriller going on here, Clever use of theme, and space to bring it all together. Pretty sure what Sandra is doing is crazy illegal (posting vids on PornHub without express permission from the players), but… meh, a scorned woman out of her mind with rage: that whole chestnut. Besides, I don’t think ol’ hubby cares about the logistics of what’s right or wrong at this juncture, so… funny ‘gotcha’ going on here.

Great job, fun read and fast paced.

That was entertaining - good job, writer. No real qualms although I'd call it 'erotic thriller' lite. It was there but could've raised the bar higher.

Low budget, for sure. Nicely done.

Writer,

Great use of current events and technology! This was really good, though I feel you could have wrapped it up just a little sooner, but not by much. It got a little repetitive. Overall, very very good!

Steve

Erotic yes. Thriller? Not for me. Well written and nice dialogue but it was almost predictable that his wife would catch him. That for me is not thrilling as she arrived quickly and without build up that would have caused some tension.
Overall a great effort however, I liked the premise and the execution very much.
Well done.

This is the best of the batch, even better than my entry. You nailed the OWC and get a high vote from me. You drew me in, hooked me, didn't let up. The ending's slightly not surprising, but overall this is a real nice piece.  VERY filmable.  It would not surprise me if it did get made. Nice work.

Hello writer

Lovely succinct descriptions and setup. Authentic dialogue between the two.

I would perhaps not have the nipple play on-screen, save going into softcore porn territory, but still, the erotic is ramped up nicely.

I assumed he would be caught by her coming home, so popping up on zoom was nice.
The "game" kinda slowed it down for me a bit, all the explaining of the rules and what can happen and then leaving them with fingers hovering... I'm not entirely sure why Domino was so hesitant to press send and leave him as the loser, she has no relationship with him other than being a client, she would look after herself.

Anyway, great writing, dialogue, a top writer at work here. The story itself I enjoyed but fizzled a little bit at the backend.

Best of luck with it

P.S I forgot to add but the word undigitize seems so unthreatening lol - Can she not say something like expose/reveal/unveil

Really good stuff, I especially like how filmable this is. Send this to three actor friends and record the zoom call, easy peasy!

I really like how the adulterers are pitted against each other. Reminds me of Saw haha. The game itself is also very clever.

Sandra’s lines tripped me up a bit, I think she could be more direct about the shit they’re in sooner. Also, she does have moments of explaining too much backstory.

I think Domino gets the short end of the cherry stem here as well. She’s just doing her thing, what if instead she was one of Sandra’s married friends that Adam is secretly supporting?

Other than that, great stuff! Email me the link to send in my audition tape for Adam

Thanks to all that commented on Zoom, seems to have hit the mark more or less for most readers... always a relief in an OWC when you are up against the clock, and massively outside your comfort zone too.

I will be giving this a punch up based on some of the excellent feedback and insightful comments, this is what makes the OWCs and SS in general so valuable to me as a writer.

And congrats again to all who entered, one of the harder OWCs but I guess that's what the C is for