Meeting Mama by M. Donovan - Short, Erotic Mystery, Comedy - A mentally unstable woman seeks revenge on her boyfriend's parents. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The writing was pretty good but this felt more like a dysfunctional family comedy-drama instead of an erotic thriller.  JMHO. I could be wrong. No spoilers but I thought it was a fairly nice reveal towards the end. Um, not sure how I feel about your use of voiceover. A mixed bag for me.  If anything, I'd say that perhaps consider using subtitles to clarify some things. Not everyone speaks Spanish. Nonetheless -- a very solid entry. Best of Irish luck! -A

Hi writer,

Ok, yeah, to be honest, I’m not entirely sure this works for me. In the end, the only person who was truly punished for Ava’s hate filled revenge of abandonment… is Michael, and he had nothing to do with it to begin with; this guy’s gonna need years of therapy just to be able to function as a human being, if he ever gains that aspect of his life back.

All of the Spanish caught me out for a double read, trying to decipher what was happening and all.

Anyway, that being said, the good news is you write well, and the VOs worked pretty good to move the story along while including a backstory to tie it all together. The story is a psychological mindf*ck with a disturbing message, but it is definitely a good entry IMO, you appear to be a seasoned writer, well done on submitting for this challenge.

The use of a montage here doesn't feel correct. I think you should just set the scenes with slugs along with the voice over. A montage should just be quick snips...

-- They have sex on the counter --
-- They have sex in the kitchen --
-- They roll around in the back of a car having sex --

I felt like this missed both of the parameters entirely. It wasn't erotic, just a couple in love having sex. And I don't think it was a thriller either. More of a drama.

All that aside, it's not a bad script. Some decent dialogue. But I was literally dumbfounded as to what Ava's plan of revenge was. As Mike even called it out "To fuck your brother?"

James

(I'm using the following assessment criteria, and will apply the same to all... is it erotic, is it a thriller, is it low budget and the usual is it any good)

I'm not a 'rules' guy but the first scene heading isn't 'normal' would usually be INT. MIKE'S APPARTMENT - NIGHT, then underneath MONTAGE... and then a Montage... all the open on and the like isn't needed.

This reads more like just an opening scene and would be fine/better like that.

But this is another script where the description of the protagonists is lacking, here we only have ages I having nothing to help visualise the pair.

The way the action moves with voiceover and then what looks like a new scene - this isn't really a montage anymore. I'd just write it scene to scene.

Whilst the montage contained sex and nudity, because it was intercut with VO from her counselling session it didn't cover over erotic - as the dialogue was more interesting, I wonder if the focus should change?

Sort of saw the twist coming, but it's well executed and worked effectively, but with it any chance of the been erotic goes out of the window I'm afraid.

So... erotic, not for me. Thriller yes, liked it. Low budget- tick. Well written effort but more dark drama/thriller for me.

Writer,

Lots of gratuitous sex in the beginning. I don't think it worked, seemed a little bit much. Regardless, the reveal did not hit the mark for me, sorry to say. I'm still trying to figure out what Ava's revenge was exactly, in regards to how far she went to enact her plan. Maybe if there was a discovery that there was extreme mental instability it would have worked better. Still, the end doesn't justify the means.

Steve

Some dark humor here, that's for sure. Definitely works for what you were going for. Erotic, check. Thriller, hmmm...I guess so. Appreciated the Spanish/English crossover. Nice touch.

Not sure the 'montage' was necessary. I see that it derailed a few. I found the V.O. discussion with her doctor a little odd but that's just me, i think.

Overall, I liked it. I didn't see it coming, so that's a feather in your cap.

The ending completely threw me, never saw that coming at all. Not sure if it works as an erotic thriller but it certainly would make a good prime time drama.
Nicely written though.
Well done.

The opening scene was slightly confusing visually... I'd have MINI-SLUGS indicating that we're in a bedroom, then in a shower. Because we first see the couple in the kitchen and then you describe them being in bed, then in the shower. Also, not sure if the montage following is properly written -- we're outside, then we're on the couch again. The montage should either be numbered are there should be locations indicated in MINI-SLUGS.

Also, the montage is accompanied by dialogue between Ava and her therapist -- yet, we never see them in a therapist's office at any point before the montage is over. I'd at least conclude the montage with her therapist in the office to show that they're there.

Outside of that stuff, the dialogue was pretty good here.

The twist was interesting... not sure if this is a comedy though, the writer went full "Old Boy" with the plot twist. Not sure why she planned this out... and not sure if fucking her own brother makes any kind of sense as revenge. The erotic scenes were nice earlier, but I kinda gagged a little bit after the twist. They were having sex, like A LOT lol.

Not sure what to think of this one. But I will say it was interesting.

-- Michael

Hello writer

With MONTAGE in the slug, you don't any of this...

Quoted Text Open on a very robust and even passionate relationship montage between AVA (26) and MICHAEL (24). Her every act comes with a level of fierce aggression. He digs it!

It's all superfluous and you can introduce the characters in the next action block where the actual action is happening, and also make that more descriptive and passionate (since in the first block you told us it was passionate, show us it is passionate instead.

Quoted Text They fool around in the kitchen. She lifts her skirt; he lifts her up onto the counter.

... Below is my attempt at actually showing passion.

Quoted Text MICHAEL (24) pushes his body against AVA (26), their lips locked as she lifts her skirt above her thighs He reaches around, places his massive hands on her ass and lifts her onto the countertop.

That was quick and probably terrible, but yea, try showing instead.

Poor Mike and his accidental incest lol

Quoted Text AVA Aww... that name sucks

I like this Ava woman

The Spanish was fine with me, added authenticity and some mystery.

I really liked this - good job. It was interesting and I didn't know the twist until you wanted me to (page 7) - So top marks. The challenge was erotic thriller though, and this isn' a thriller. but It was good all the same


Best of luck with it

This was very entertaining but by calling it a Short, Erotic Mystery, Comedy, I think you were skirting the brief.

You've got a really good oh, what a tangled web we weave story here, (even if a little melodramatic) and you had the perfect opportunity with all those sex scenes to incorporate upfront the erotic component - where's the ice-cubes, the candles, the bubble-bath, the honey?  You describe them having sex instead of immersing your audience in it.

She allows him to pin her to the shower wall.
Just think how different that scene would be just with a small change of her throwing him up against the shower wall. She's the instigator and manipulator of this entire affair.

We need to picture this very robust and even (even?) passionate relationship be voyuer to their passion and not being able to keep their hands off each other. Then when the plot twist is revealed it's going to be all the more powerful.

You've got a good drama here, you planted a lot of intriguing elements with Ava's scar and the psychoanalysis going on in the background. Damaged-goods characters are fun to watch. I'd just encourage you next time to go for it a bit more.

Really enjoyable! Spice it up and you're there.  

Wow, remind me to avoid Mike’s Apartment.

VO dialogue feels off, a little otn.
I think it’s important to point out that they’re both hispanic/latin in an action line or something, I was imagining that they looked different from each other.

The dialogue at the table is a stiff, could be smoothed out.

I’m a Spanish speaker, and some of the lines were technically correct, but culturally or realistically wrong.

My Spanish line edits:
     “Tú has de ser Ava” or even just “Mucho gusto, Ava”
     “Pero, parece hispana” or “Pero, se ve hispana” or “¿No es hispana?”
     “¿Cómo qué, ‘that's me’?” (the original line here was very wrong to me)
     “Miguel, quiero hablar contigo”
     (The other Spanish lines were fine for me)

Story-wise, it was definitely shocking. It made me grossed out, so good job there haha.

After rereading, I noticed the hints to the twist throughout, I love that you did that.

I also got “Old Boy” vibes from this, I think “Old Boy” works because the villain is set-up as this psychotically sadistic machiavellian person.
Ava’s revenge is similarly intense, but there’s some disconnect for me.
Maybe I needed more hints about how unhinged she is? (could be a bad idea, since it might dilute the shock)

Really interesting, good stuff~