Naughty Claus by Renee Joynson (bflywings) - Comedy - When a stuck up business woman buys a stolen phone, she is thrust into the life of an angel, where controlling her new life will be harder than it seems in her pursuit to earn a set of angel wings. - pdf, format

@Renee

Okay, I detect a "It's a Wonderful Life, and Christmas Carol" vibe going on.   Nothing made me laugh out loud, but don't read too much into that-- I'm known for not having a sense of humor.

I had to read this twice, no big deal, it was a fast read, and you write very well, almost bare bones.  (Just don't strip yourself of your voice) but clarity is important and I wanted to be sure I knew where you were going with this, because things got a bit crazy once Michelle left the hospital.  She's living a different life now.  I almost feel like you can add fantasy alongside comedy as well.

A promising start for the first ten pages, and I'm sure you're still hammering somethings out, so I'll ask no questions, but based on what you've got so far -- I'd keep reading even though I'm not a big fan of comedies.

Good luck

Ghostie

This is really quite nicely done. I will say that the title seems wrong to me. When I think of The Naughty Clause, I think of a Santa Clause and a Young pretty blonde and Santa's being naughty.

One thing:

On page 9, when her world changes, I don't think it's quite clear enough on the page.

I noted that

>Small, cluttered, open planned and super unorganized

Somehow my eyes had jumped and I only read organized at the end of the line even missing the UN.

I think the use of

>and array of clothes

might better be a rumpled pile or something else. Array is the wrong word.

I think this is a good opening and holds my interest.

Sandra

Renee....

This is really cute so far! You have some interesting characters. I think it feels original '

This reads fast and easy to me. I never got confused.

One thing...at the beginning...Michelle seemed more like in charge and on top of things walking down the sidewalk with her assistant and all...but then she doesn't wear heels and didn't have an updated phone. I mean at first she is a conceited business woman...so her not having nice shoes and not having a smart phone was really out of character for me.

Typos need to be cleaned up...not a bother to me though...

Concept is cute...I think marketable also. Best of luck. I can't wait to read this when you get it finished! Good job.

dena

Quoted from Pale Yellow Renee.... One thing...at the beginning...Michelle seemed more like in charge and on top of things walking down the sidewalk with her assistant and all...but then she doesn't wear heels and didn't have an updated phone. I mean at first she is a conceited business woman...so her not having nice shoes and not having a smart phone was really out of character for me. dena

I remember the part with the no-nonsense shoes. The way I pictured it was that she was a super organized neat freak and was extremely sensible right down to her shoes. I thought that this painting of the character was in line with what the author wanted.

The character mentions that 'A real woman doesn't need a man to help get her through life'. A really good line by the way. As such, I thought that she wore sensible shoes because she was "that way". Being a business woman doesn't include wearing high heels. I think it's an interesting point that worked for me.

Sandra

First off: Ghostie, Sandra and Dena - thanks for the read. Much appreciated.

@Ghostie - Definitely more of 'It's A Wonderful Life' theme. The first 10 pages was meant to be more of a set up, not so much comedy yet, type of thing. Glad it was an easy read and thank you for your possitive words - hopefully you make it through the next ten.

@Sandra - The title is wrong - it's meant to be Naughty Claus - funny how adding 'The' puts a completely different spin on the whole thing. I'll go over that 'array' part and see if I can come up with something better. I'm glad you liked it so far. And yes - you completely understood what I was saying with the shoes.

@Dena - Glad this was a fast and easy to understand read and that it was cute. Yes - typo's I was looking over it again last night and spotted a few - darn it! When it comes to the shoes and the phone I can see where you're coming from, but Sandra hit the nail on the head with the way I wanted Michelle to be.

Hope you all enjoy the rest - that's the bit I'm anxious about - hope it can all fit together nicely.

Renee

Renee,

The writing's good, but I feel like everything happened too fast on the first page. We see a lady in a burning building, turns out she has angel wings. Cut to a junkie finding her phone. Cut to him selling it at a pawn shop. Then, in a new scene, you introduce Michelle.

Not that you want a slow paced story... but right now, everything happens too fast, IMO. The rest is pretty fast, too, but not as bad. Right now it's close to bare bones and could use a little more fleshing out.

I think the reason for a lot of that is that things seem to happen so easily. A junkie finds a phone, one sentence later sells it to a pawn shop. Lady happens to choose that exact phone, and then just gives it to her friend. That night, the phone makes sounds, so Michelle just goes outside and follows the map. She just walks into the hospital, immediately finds Becca's room, and tries to give the phone back to Becca... etc.

"MICHELLE, 32, a conceited business woman, needs control over
every aspect in her life, slinks a black dress over her head."

Not a good character intro. 80% is this is unfilmable.

I not gonna buy that she'll go outside at night to follow direction from a phone. I mean... why? Because that map keeps coming up on the phone? I dunno. I guess you need her end up at the hospital somehow, but right now, the motivation isn't really there.

So would I keep reading? Probably. My biggest issue, despite everything happening so fast, is that it's kinda obvious what's going on. There isn't really any mystery. We know Becca's an angel and not crazy because we saw her wings. When no one recognizes Michelle, we can guess it's because of some angel thing Becca did. There isn't enough mystery here.

Still a good effort, especially for something done in a week. Hope this helps.

Will

Quoted from crookedowl Renee, The writing's good, but I feel like everything happened too fast on the first page. We see a lady in a burning building, turns out she has angel wings. Cut to a junkie finding her phone. Cut to him selling it at a pawn shop. Then, in a new scene, you introduce Michelle. Will

I'm joking a bit here, but are you over 40?

I understand what you're saying about the fast pace. This is a fact about how our perception (by youth and those involved with computers) has changed today. Just this afternoon, I went to speak with kids doing their science fair projects...

(Alright I know if you hit one of the other threads you heard this one)

And these kids seemed much more mature and distinguished than I remember we were back in the day... Anyways:

What I'm trying to say is though it may seem fast to me, it's not necessarily so for a younger person or for someone who is used to dealing with fast imagery-- one who picks up on the subtleties very quickly. My two cents. And note:

Here in Canada the penny is now extinct.  

But it's a good comment. How we pace the scene is very important and we need to be aware of that fact. Thanks Will, I'm bringing that to mind now as I try and write another ten pages.

Sandra

Renee,

This was a pretty slick read.  The dialogue is natural and solid.  There were scenes that felt like they should have kept going, a big one that stood out was on page 9, when Michelle went for the pepper spray.

Regarding the Michelle and Becca exchange, this is the scene that should set the ground rules on the mythos.  Saying that she needs to pass tests seems empty unless she is going to have an angelic companion to guide her through her journey.  Also, for Becca to say that she has to accept it sooner or later elminates choice for Michelle.  UPDATE: I had to go back and read it again, but Michelle already left the room.  Nice touch, she isn't aware she doesn't have a choice.

I enjoy the quirks Michelle has, breathing some life into a character is always a plus.  Good luck, the script reads with ease!

Johnny  

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I'm joking a bit here, but are you over 40?

Hahaha, actually I'm fifteen. Sixteen in August. A little ironic, huh? But I get what you're saying about the fast imagery and younger people being used to it. Maybe I'm not, but I know enough people who are.... hell, have you ever tried watching Empire of the Sun with a room full of highschoolers?

But due to the language and the fact that the characters are adults, I assumed this was geared towards an older audience. Maybe in this case it's more important to please older viewers than younger ones, but I guess it depends on who this is marketed for. My two cents, or whatever the Canadian alternative is these days.

Will

Hi Renee, my first thought is that the title just doesn't do the story justice. Can you think of some pun with the word 'claus' and 'Clause' and Angels? I know it's not easy, I just think you need more of a drawcard for your audience.

Few notes as I went:

I think it would be enough for Michelle to say 'get a job' rather than a real job to the 'bum'.

Likewise 'real women don't need men to get through life' I think the extra 'them' is superfluous.

And, the 'degrading little children' comment didn't work for me. I get you're drawing a comparison with 'disgusting behaviour' but I had to read that line twice and it didn't seem in keeping with the rest of the tone of the piece.

The word 'fruit' for 'fu#k'? Sorry to be pedantic but I'd go for the more common 'sugar'
for 'shit'. Up to you though. I suppose it could be Michelle's quirk.

I'm sure you're probably aware of the typos but I put the one's I spotted in,  just in case:

INT. RESTRAUNT -
Fee up, she...' is obviously 'fed up' or 'feet up'.
'Where did you get from'
'I think they may have sent to the wrong part of the hospital'
'They refrain her' should be 'restrain'.

Good thinking about how you got Michelle to 'purchase' the phone - nice. I really liked that. Funny moment with her spelling out her name 'Claus' on the phone too.

Ok, more related to the 'story'. I think it's a little odd that Michelle wakes up in Becca's apartment. I get it, but I think it's odd. The surroundings are funny and the gangster's'hi' is funny but I didn't get this massive jump.

Nobody recognises her but there seems to be no explanation for it. Doesn't
Michelle look in the mirror?? And frighten herself? I get the switcheroo thing, and I get that it's a convenient 'story' device, just not the written execution of it.

It might sound like I'm just being critical here, but these are just things that came to
mind as I read. It might all make perfect sense as things proceed.

I do like this, Renee. You've got some interesting characters and some nice little touches, and an intriguing plot, so I'd definitely want to see where you take the story.

Good luck with the next installment.

There's an idea, posting installments, but that's not happening is it? It's another six
weeks for the lot? Hmm, should be interesting. Good luck with the rest!

Libby

Hi Rene,

I've seen you on the board, even read a short once, but never commented. That was a great short by the way, about the pen and one other object.

Read your ten. Congrats on standing up to the challenge by the way - I chickened out)
I really like your title - picked out yours to read first because of it.

Your Michele is a strong character - I think it has to do with your ability to write dialog very well.

The question I have is - what is it going to be, a romantic comedy? Michelle and her friend talk about men and sticking with one man, so I thought it was heading there. On the other hand, it doesn't look like romantic comedy as there's no man, neither in the logline, nor in the story.
I have no idea what would move the story forward here. I know it would be hard for her to believe that she needs a set of wings - so I first she'll be buying into it. That would take the first 30 pages. But then, when she believes it - something needs to be really wrong with her, or stand in the way. In Tooth Fairy it's a Man who doesn't believe in Tooth Fairy's vs. a little girl who happens to be his daughter. The fact that he has a game to win complicates it.
I just want to say that in my opinion you need to complicate her situation.

Also, I didn't like the first scenes. I don't think they explain much and they read on the nose - like you want us to have some info on the phone, that's it.

I liked Michelle though and the idea. In the end you'll end up rewriting your ten - if you are planning to introduce "her problem" later, maybe you better include it in the first ten.

Good luck with the rest of it. Please finish your work!

Hey Renee, last one for this batch.

Before I start, I can see you've got a certain style that flows through your writing, a very important tool into building your voice.

I mostly agree with Will's thoughts, excluding his comment about the unfilmables, I think they're usually fine for describing a character unless you write 3 paragraphs about their whole life.

This is a hard script to discuss. Technically, it's a good script, everything happens as it should, something happens and then there's a result - keep repeating and repeating until you finish reading the 11 pages. Now, like I said, technically that works because that's what a script is meant to be like. But sadly, that's the problem with it. It's just so normal and doesn't pop out from the bunch. It's as if this is any other type of script but with another premise with different characters - and for me, it's isn't working.

The script works though, I can tell you that but IMO it would work on so many more levels if it didn't feel so 'structured'. This might just be a personal preference though. Hopefully you know where I'm coming from? I'd like to know which movie/outline-method you're using to work off of if you don't mind telling.

Like mentioned by people before, it's a cute read. I liked the encounter with the homeless man, thought that worked really well in showing that Michelle is a bitter person. The flaw is set up nicely but I think it's a little too 'in your face'.

I'd definitely read on though.

Hi Renee

I thought I was reading "Miracle on 34th street" for a moment and then "It's a wonderful life"

It was a pretty good read, but nothing tells me this a comedy, more of a drama. If your writing a comedy, at least have something funny in first 10 pages.

But besides that, your writing is solid and "Michelle" is a great character.

Well done and I look forward to your feature.

Mark

Thanks to everyone who has read this thus far.

@Will - Sorry that the pacing or the character intro didn't work for you. The pacing has come up a couple of times now. Think I might have to work on this. Whereas, the character intro's IMO are a personal preference. I like explaining charators a little deaper than just looks and age, which I know is unfilmable, but it's how I like to do it. I originally had Michelle follow th map the next morning. Maybe that way would work better? When it comes to the mystery side of things I didn't meant for it to be that way. I meant for it to be a bit of light hearted fun - I don't mind if it's predictable as long as it's enjoyable. I watch predictable movies all the time, but still love them. Thanks for your feeback. I do value it.

@Johnny - Again with pacing - I'm going to look into that. Yep, I had Michelle leave before Becca could explain. Michelle by this point is fed up and doesnt want to listen. After the switch, Michelle will inevitably have to work her way back to finding Becca. Glad you liked her character. I hope you like the rest.

@Libby - yeah, the original title was Naughty Claus - has been fixed now, but is meant to represent her last name Claus and the naughty things she gets up lto in the rest of the script.Hope that makes more sense. I agree with the 'get a job' line. Sounds better like that. Sticking with the 'real women' line - I'd say it that way to my friend.Same with the word fruit, I substitute that for f**k and when I stub my toes I go to say f**K. With the 'degrading little children' comment that was meant to be directed towards Michelle - within the next ten pages it's explained that Michelle isn't too keen being around kids, but maybe I need to clear this up earlier? Thanks for the typo list. I'll go through and double check them all. With the switch - I meant it in lives, but not as people. So Michelle is still herself, she just has to live Becca's life - which will be explained when she sees Becca again. Glad you still find it interesting. Instalments? I wish there were then I could correct it as I went along.

@khamanna - damn it, wish I could have return the read. Maybe next time. I'm glad you like Michelle and that the dialogue works. When it comes to it being a romantic comedy, I was hoping to add the romance in gradually. I think it's leaning towards a romance dramedy to be honest. Hopefully when it comes to her complications that it becomes clearer in the next fifteen pages - but I am toying with ideas - I might post a couple of suggestions and see what people think before its set in stone. Yeah, when it comes to the first page the consensis seams to be that it is too fast. I'm looking into that. Thanks for the read and yes - I'll be finishing this - unless something major stops me.

@Nawazm - You've kind of confused me a little, lol. When it comes to which method I'm using, I don't know. When I started writing I just researched everything on the net and ended up putting stuff together. Glad I've peeked your interest enough to read on.

@Mark - I was trying to go for more subtle somedy that kind of works it's way into the script as it goes along. You have me thinkin though. The way it's looking - something in the first ten pages may been needed. I'm glad you liked Michelle, that is a major plus, and that you'll keep reading.

Renee

Quoted from RJ @Nawazm - You've kind of confused me a little, lol. When it comes to which method I'm using, I don't know. When I started writing I just researched everything on the net and ended up putting stuff together. Glad I've peeked your interest enough to read on.

Haha, thought I would. I'll try and explain it a little better. Like Will mentioned above, the scenes are flying by quickly - but there's nothing wrong with this. What's lacking here is a plot that has some twist and turns with some mystery. It's just very obvious what will happen, at least in my opinion. And that's what's bugging me, I feel the beats are too obvious/tired. Like the Christmal Carol spinoffs, character has flaw, needs to fix flaw, forced to do something which they hate and in the process they discover they need to fix their life, in the end they become a better person. Hopefully that made some more sense... ? It's a hard one to explain.

Good luck.

This was a fast read. I liked how you flipped the protag's life very quickly. I get more of drama feeling rather than comedy. Maybe, this will be a dramedy? I'd continue reading.

Some notes:

pg 1 "... needs control over every aspect..." is unnecessary as you already explained the apartment as the home of a neat freak. Better way to show this -- have Michelle fidget with her Black dress when she puts it on -- unbuttoning/buttoning several times until it's just "right"
pg 6 "feed" should be 'fed'
pg 9 Becca's lines at the top feels stiff/wooden. Probably cuttable.
pg 9 Michele's lines seem off -- "I think they may have sent [me] to the wrong...."
pg 10 She talks to herself way too much. This time it feels a bit forced. Maybe have her check her wallet and there's no money (show don't tell). Then she utters "Fruit." (her version of f**K)

Hi Renee, this was a fast and enjoyable first 11. It definitely has a "It's a Wonderful Life" feel to it. You set up Michelle's character really well and I'm looking forward to seeing what you put her through. Here's a few things I picked up on:


P.1

The opening definitely needs some work. It would really benefit from being longer and showing us more of Becca saving the child. Make it obvious that she is an angel from the beginning. Show the child trapped and in peril, and Becca bravely putting her life on the line to perform the heroic rescue. As it is, this scene would take up about 30 seconds of screen time and would be completely forgotten by the time Michelle gets her hands on the phone.

'burns away' should be 'burn away'.


P.4

The line "Yeah, but the idea of growing old with one has a nice ring to it." needs changing. Something having 'a nice ring to it', is usually based on a statement, or something that has been said, not an idea or thought.

Using the word "f*ck" doesn't really fit with your story. It seems like it would be more of a PG or PG-13 family type film instead of a raunchy comedy. It read more like tossing in profanity for the sake of it instead of using it for comedic impact. Just having Amy say something like "You can swear, you know?. It’s not going to hurt you"  would work better in my opinion.


P.5

The line "My dad’s been bragging about that damn watch for ages now." makes it sound like he was boasting about something he already owned, not talking about something he wanted.


P.6

'Feed up' should be 'Fed up'.


P.7 & 8

I didn't get how Michelle deduced that the phone wanted her to take it to its owner just because it was beeping and showing a map.

When she is talking to the phone, she says "I’m finding your owner then I’m done with you", and then when she gets to the hospital and the phone stops beeping she says to Becca "I believe this is yours. So I’m just going to leave it here for you to deal with when you’re ready." - This whole scenario felt way too forced.

Just because she was sick of the phone beeping she went on a wild goose chase around the city at night to give the phone to a stranger in the hospital. If it was bothering her so much and she cared so little about the phone wouldn't she just throw it away / smash it / remove the battery?

You need to try to think of a better and more believable way of getting Michelle to the hospital and her working out that the phone used to be Becca's.


P.9

Michelle's dialogue should say "I think they sent you…"

You should definitely make a bigger deal of Michelle's world being turned upside down. Tell us more about how the apartment has changed when she wakes up. Describe what's different in more detail. At the moment it's just a very brief scene and doesn't really give us the full extent of what's happened. It would be better if you stretch it out a little - have her wandering the apartment trying to take everything in.


P.10

'They refrain her.' should be 'restrain'.


Other than the few issues I've mentioned, I did enjoy this and would definitely read more. One thing I would say though is I'm not convinced with the title. Having it called "Naughty Claus" immediately made me think of Santa Claus and I assumed this would be a Christmas comedy, or at least set around the Christmas holidays, which it doesn't appear to be. If it is set around Christmas you should make that clear from the start, otherwise I'd seriously consider a possible title change.

Renee, finally got around to finishing all the scripts and through no method of order on my part, yours just came up at the end, so sorry for the delay in the read!

A very quick and easy read, thought it was well-written and flowed well from scene to scene.  Certainly has you wondering where the story is going and what's going to happen to Michelle (I assume she, and not Becca, is the protagonist here).

Now I did have one thing that sort of had me scratching my head.  Becca is an angel?  If that's the case, why does she need to go to the hospital?  Aren't angels sort of dead already?  I guess there are human angels as well, because it appears that Michelle is about to be one.  You might need to explain the different types of angels so that the readers (and ultimately the viewers) aren't scratching their heads as well.  I'm also not sure how pushing a button on a phone makes you an angel, but I'm guessing that'll be explained at some point!

Oh, minor catch on Page 9: "...may have sent to the wrong part..."  s/b "may have sent you to the wrong part..."

Otherwise, great job!  Look forward to the rest!  Good luck!

Gary

Renee,

I've enjoyed the story so far. A breeze to read through and well written with a few things to clean as pointed out by the others. I really like Michelle as the protag. A woman who seems business driven and doesn't care too much for the less fortunate.

I get that a simple press of the button is easy enough to make her a angel. The phone powered on and activated an app to bring her to the hospital and when she saw Becca the responsibility was passed to Michelle to take over as the angel.

Great job and best of luck finishing the script.

Dirk

Hi Renee - took a quick look at this. It's nicely done overall - it will need fleshing out some, but it's written like skeleton piece, which is fine for a first draft - these things can always be fleshed out later on - but as an outline piece, I think it's fairly spot on for what you want to do.

The gripes for me (and I've only skimmed the other comments):

1. Michelle coming into possession of the phone didn't work for me for three reasons:
... Michelle didn't lead the action here, so a crucial part of the set-up was too passive
... I thought that Michelle (and kinda by default, her friend) was a business woman, so I didn't totally buy into her going into the pawn shop (even though you tried selling it via her friend).
... The act of possessing the phone was arbitrary - her friend was just 'oh, might as well'.

It's hard avoiding cliche in circumstances like this, but maybe have her lose her phone (at a critical moment) and offer a kid who's picked up 'the' phone $20? (whether the kid likes it or not) - just something to feed in some necessity to have the phone and work in a little 'hates kids' as a sideline. Still a cliche, I know, but I felt it needed some 'need' to it. Just chewin'.

The only other thing that passed me by was the change - totally didn't see that, and I thought you'd missed some of the script out -- but that might just have been me being dim  

I did get the feeling, like you said, that this was a bit of a growing comedy, and as such I liked the feel you gave this - but of course that's not going to be to everyone's taste. But I liked it - I get the feeling the whole process is coming more easily to your pen now. Good luck with it.  

Thanks again to all who have read this.

@Nawazm - lol, yep get what you're saying now. These days I find myself reading into a lot of movies - I can tell the ending almost before it starts, but as long as it's entertaining I'll watch over and over.

@kingcooky - Yeah, this is heading towards more of a dramedy. Thank you for your comments. Yes, I mucked up - Michelle is meant to say 'they've sent -you- to the wrong part of the hospital'. I love your idea for pg10.

@SteveUK -  Thanks for the suggestions. I laughed at the comment about it being PG - only cause I know where this is headed and it is definitely not going to be PG - probably MA at a guess (maybe even R depending on some scenes). Pg9 & 10 - yep, I mucked up. When it comes to expanding on the apartment scene, that's a good idea. I think all round I need to extend a few scene. As for the title - there will be a little christmas tinge to it down the road, but Michelle's last name it Claus and she is will be naughty, lol.

@Gary - no stress, somebody has to come last.Yes - Michelle is the protag and se is about to be a human angel. You have me thinking about adding a line in Becca's talk with her - but it will be more around the 15 - 20pg mark with the way things are headed. Everyone seems to be picking up the pg9 comment, lol - now fixed.

@Dirk - You've explained it exactely how it was intented to come across. Glad you like it thus far and Michelle is working for you. Hope you like the rest.

@Simon - Yeah, I seem to have gone from over description to skeleton bones - am working on trying to find a happy medium. Thanks for you comments. I had been toying with the idea of Michelle complaining to Amy about problems with her phone on the way to the pawn shop then Michelle spotting Becca's phone and taking a fancy to it? Sandra also mentioned that she didn't see the change - she had to re-read it. I'm going to work on making that clearer and extending that scene. Glad that you liked the feel of it and yep, the writing is coming a hell of a lot easier now. Thanks again.

Renee

Hey Renee; Off to a good start. Few thoughts.

pg. 1; Gonna need to clarify the mythology of the angels. These angels don't appear to be immortal, don't fly and have cell phones...Perhaps they are angels in the metaphorical sense only?

Pg. 2: Assume we'll see the homeless man again later on...he's got to be connected. Reminds me a bit of the Nicholas Cage movie Family Man a bit. Could work very well for Michelle to see the light.

Pg. 4: Don't see a person like Michelle ever being caught dead in a pawn shop. Very much beneath her and she wouldn't any of her clients to see her there. Perhaps there was a more pressing reason that she would go in..
"Degrading to children? Fruit?" Lost me there. "Keyboard" could either be a computer keyboard or piano...assume it's a piano...

Pg. 5: Again, I don't see a professional, modern, successful business woman not having the latest and greatest smartphone already in her possession- certainly not a dirty, germ-infested used one...Doesn't work logically for her character, unless she is ridiculously wealthy and can afford to be eccentric...

Pg. 6. Idealized love:  Damn you, Nicholas Sparks!

Pg. 7. Since Michelle has no connection to the phone, I'd imagine she would just throw it out the window or something rather than put up with it annoying her...You could play up the magic part by making in somewhat invincible and always coming back into her possession, as she is chosen...

Pg. 8-9. So who ever has this phone, pushes a button, is signed up to the angel program to fix whatever it is in her character that needs fixing...

Pg. 10 In order to earn her wings, she assumes a new, less than pleasant identity (or hell in her perspective) and has to make her way in this new, more challenging persona for her.

Could do alot of with the fish out of water element, as well as the power of perspective (wealth/power does not equal happiness- serving others and the love of friends and community does).

Good luck and I look forward to reading the rest of your story!

Blakkwolfe,

I don't have a lot of time to reply, but thank you for your comments. They have been greatly appreciated.

I love the idea about the phone being invincible - such a great idea that I just didn't see - gonna use that for sure.

Thanks again.

Renee.