Gary,

Good job in writing this in one week. For the most part it's pretty good and you have me hooked as far as what happen to Rocky's character. That being said I found some things that hopefully could be helpful to you.

Page 1. You could use a SUPER after EXT. YACHT - NIGHT
            
                                                     SUPER: GULF OF MEXICO

That will help shorten the action line that follows. Another thing is that you "tell" a lot in some of your action lines. You describe Birgit as the ship's first mate. We don't know that unless you say Birgit, 31, Swedish, attractive, wears a uniform and hands Rocky a fresh drink. Now that still doesn't say that she's a first mate but we'll get that information a few pages later when the Coast Guard questions her. You could have one of the men ask what's her role on the yacht then she could say that she's the first mate.

The second line where you say that Rocky turns and smiles at the first mate could be "Rocky turns to Birgit and smiles as he hands her an empty glass".

INT. YACHT BRIDGE

No reason to have "Bridge" in the action line. We already know the location in the slug.
You could just have Birgit enters. Then the Petr line after it.

Page 2. Instead of INT. LAW OFFICE you could have INT. CARTER KING KRAVITZ LAW FIRM and use another SUPER below it so

INT. CARTER KING KRAVITZ LAW FIRM - DAY

SUPER: HOUSTON

Just a suggestion but you don't have to do that way, also when you first introduce Eric that whole action line(s) could be shoten to ERIC MURDOCH (33), handsome with an athletic build sits at a desk and reads a document. Get rid of the "He looks up" action line, it's telling and no need for it since he let's Stacy know that he's bored of his job soon after.

Page 5. I feel like the dialogue exchange between Randy and Eric is a bit forced and a lot of it should be eliminated. Just have Randy tell Eric that their dad is missing and no ones knows where he's at, plain and simple. Let us find out more information when the Coast Guard questions Birgit and Petr.

Page 7. INT. STACY'S OFFICE

Again no reason to say Stacy's office in the action line since we know that in the slug. Maybe this "Stacy sits at her desk and looks up to see Eric standing at the doorway visibly shaken".

One thing I would consider is the opening page where you have Rocky jump into the water and disappear I feel would be better if you don't talk about that. Keep it a mystery to his to his whereabouts. Did Birgit or Petr kill him? Push him off the ledge? Did Rocky jump himself? Was he kidnapped? You'll make the reader want to read on just knowing what may have happen. Now not to say that Rocky jumping ship is still not interesting but you can see it would add to more of the mystery if the Coast Guard or Randy or Eric was questioning Birgit and Petr.

So Gary, all in all it's pretty good. You just need to tighten up some of the action lines but you have time.

Great job and best of luck with the final product.

Dirk

Hey Gary

Nice start to a feature, hopefully the numbers weren't that important at the end

It was well written and I don't see any errors to report as far as grammar goes.

Is this the story of Robert Maxwell? The british billionaire that fell overboard from his yacht.

You set it up nicely for your feature.

Good job

Mark

I liked this ....think it will be good to read on. I loved the end ...with him not getting the number down. Man, I know that feeling! LOL

I thought the father going into the water was great. Can't wait to find out what is going on...so I want to know more which means get to writing.

Steve, Dirk, Cooky, Mark and Dena, thanks to all for the reads!

Dirk and Steve, special thanks for the in-depth comments.  After going back and re-reading the script, I want to slap myself in the head for some of the things I put in there.  But your suggestions will be a great help as I go back to the re-write and the further writing.  I tend to get a little verbose in the action lines and need to break myself of that, so I always appreciate the reminders.

And Dirk, I've read your and Will's piece--great job and I will leave my comments soon!

Thanks again!

Gary

Dirk, I meant to say I read your piece and I've read Will's piece as separate items--didn't want to you to think I was confusing you with Steve!

I also went back and looked at your suggestions about the opening--I was getting a colonoscopy this morning and had a lot of time to think about that part, and I came up with a completely different way to open that part without revealing anything and also eliminating a lot of the exposition further down the script.  So cheers for making me think that through!

Gary

Hey Gary,

Glad I can help. Now if you can help me come up with the rest of my plot and write the remaining 80 pages then we'll be even. lol.

Dirk

Hi Gary; Log Line is a bit heavy, but the script is gripping and suspenseful. Disappointed when it stopped.

My main thought regards the timing of the phone's arrival...Since it was delivered to his office, I would have thought it was something business oriented, not something I would bother to take with me after finding out that my father was lost at sea...seems awkward and just a little forced...unless he's a workaholic and always takes his work with him (unlikely since he doesn't like his job)...

Looking forward to seeing how it resolves.

Hi Gary. Gave this a read, sorry it's late. Bet you're sick of that logline. Got to just stick my take in though ... this bit doesn't add up:

"... the secret to breaking the code may lie not only in a mysterious satellite phone he receives after his father's disappearance, but whether he can evade the assassins ..." - it's so contorted, that you actually stopped making sense

p1.
stands on the back of his 80 foot Lazzara
-- stands at the back of ...

She's Swedish, blonde, and fairly attractive
-- She's Swedish and blonde  

Sorry, I was out of this by page 5 on the -
"Did Petr or Birgit see him go overboard?" line.

For the Randy/Eric scene you need either one on a V.O. or an intercut.

This is too pedestrian, to be honest with you, and I think you'll need to find a way of sticking in some dramatic tension. The Eric/Randy scene? A lot of the exposition there could have been done on the Yacht - maybe get Eric straight there talking to the investigators, Petr, Birgit/Erika etc.

This extra stuff could have fitted in had you trimmed a lot -- stuff like:
-Rocky finishes his drink, places it on a table
-(then looks back) to make sure no one is watching
-the crew unaware the yacht's lone passenger is no longer on board.
-He doesn't appeared thrilled at the prospect of another day of practicing law.
... is all superfluous.

Best try and keep your nomenclature consistent: Page 7 has Petr Svensen, then Svensen, then the dialogue has Petr. Once into'd choose one to stick to.

Sorry to be negative, but in all honesty, you could fit most of what happened here on two-three pages. This slides off the pages more than it stand off it.

The premise, I like, and I think it's got legs, but it needs to be more honed than this. Sorry to be so off, but good luck with it.

Quoted from Forgive This is too pedestrian, to be honest with you, and I think you'll need to find a way of sticking in some dramatic tension. The Eric/Randy scene? A lot of the exposition there could have been done on the Yacht

Simon, thanks for the read.  That seems to be the general consensus, that it's too wordy, too much exposition, the Randy/Eric dialogue didn't work or was too on the nose.  It appears that much of this needs to be dumped in a re-write.  I will definitely give all your good suggestions great considerations as I go forward with this.

Thanks again!
Gary