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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    March, 2013 1+6WC  ›  Enter Your Problems - 1+6WC
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Don
Posted: March 17th, 2013, 8:41am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Enter Your Problem by Sandra El. Watson - Thriller - A long term employee in sound technologies dares to quit his job when he learns that his smart phone and life are better off in the hands of a dead man. - pdf, format


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 17th, 2013, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Sandra,

Now before I read this I was wondering whether you would completely confuse me as usual in an OWC, or would this be different.

Well, to be fair, I was less thrown, but you still have a heavy touch with your writing.

To summarise we have;

A big corporation
It seeks lots of things, almost taken over, a bit like Buy and Large from WALLE
A young innocent woman enters on a fake promise - wasn't wholly sure on that as I read
A 50's man get the mid life crisis corporate blues, but not with just any old company
The company treats its employees, those on the inside, better than the customers,  those on the outside
There is a conspiracy going on whereby the original owner, creator whatever, was overcome by...say...bad people, influences etc
The Man tries to escape, like Logan's Run, with his fellow employee and the young woman
The phone has the owners 'soul in a pin' plus some ability I didn't quite get with the woman.

I suppose this is all fine, it's just a heavy rad, very dense, not always clear so that the story get confused and overly complicated.

My recommendation would be to strip out the unnecessary elements, keep it simple and that way stay on message.

Your logline uses 'sound technologies' yet so far they seem to sell crisps and cola - I question whether all this extar information takes away focus.

Best of luck


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Guest
Posted: March 17th, 2013, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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You lost me around page 6 or 7 -- but I didn't stop there -- I finished reading.

You have a unique style, and I like it...descriptive.  Loved that rotating door scene.

But there's just something off.  I don't know how to say it.  Maybe the old saying "this isn't for everybody" fits.


Woman is introduced on page 1, then gives her name (Elenor) on page 4, then is re-named Dee by another character.  She goes from the speaking character of WOMAN to DEE -- After stating her real name is Elenore.  I think you should have just intro'd her as Elenore and even though she gets 'renamed' by the desk clerk, you should probably still call her Elenore.  Changing up a character's name throughout a script can be confusing.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: March 17th, 2013, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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@Sandra,

Glad to see something new from you.  It's been awhile.    As usual your writing is always front and center, very visual indeed.   As I have trumpeted a thousand times, your writers' voice is like no other.  

I see why you decided to start off by calling Dee/Elenore woman initially.  I wasn't confused at all.

Page#10, when "Lolly" dips into

THE STAIRWELL

HALLWAY WITH OTTO  

After his bit of dialogue...

High heels click-clack down the stairwell, ect...

I'm thinking you need another mini slug right here unless I read it wrong.  But I don't think I did.

Rupert's a very interesting character.  It seems Lolly and Dee are going to play a big part in this.  I must say it's aone unique start to what i would consider a borderline high-tech thriller so far... I'd keep reading for sure.

Good Luck the rest of the way,

Ghostie


A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

THE SLEEPING TIGER

THE TIME GUARDIAN

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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_ghostwriters  -  March 17th, 2013, 2:56pm
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 17th, 2013, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Thank you very much for the comments everyone.

Reef,

On your comments:

>A big corporation

Check. I made that clear.

>It seeks lots of things, almost taken over, a bit

Check. Some intimation of this is coming through. I will try harder Once this first crazy draft gets written.

This monster of a company has been taken over, but that's backstory that I can't spew out in the first ten. More than more than more than likely, the first ten will be ripped to shreds in the future. Just the way it goes, but...

At least I do have an idea where I'm going with this.

>A young innocent woman enters on a fake promise -

Oh man thanks for writing that. It's absolutely true and I can add that succinct statement to my notes.

And these:

>The company treats its employees, those on the inside, better than the customers,  those on the outside

>There is a conspiracy going on whereby the original owner, creator whatever, was overcome by...say...bad people, influences etc

>The Man tries to escape, like Logan's Run, with his fellow employee and the young woman

>The phone has the owners 'soul in a pin' plus some ability I didn't quite get with the woman.

All true. I'm thankful it's getting through. One thing I need to do later is provide more of a foreshadowing on what Otto's about. I really don't have much there except that he's wearing a headset.

I want to add, I completely hear you and understand your comment regarding the crisps and cola aspect as well as sound technologies.

What I hope to show is that they were/are a sound tech company, but they have grown to well, let's just say Xsess proportions.   And they are involved in a lot.

Reaper:

You have a unique style, and I like it...descriptive.  Loved that rotating door scene

I'm glad you enjoyed that scene. I think I like rotating doors. Fun to play in.  

I understand the problems we have with names. The LOSS or potential loss of Elenore's name as she is absorbed by the Borg that is Xsess Tech, is supposed to show the loss of her identity as an individual. I will watch for comments on how I might make this more clear.

Ghostie,

I missed the mini slug. I'm not very good with training my eyes on them yet.

**Rupert 's the main character, right--?  Lolly might be stealing the show.  I must say it's an interesting start to what i would consider a borderline high-tech thriller so far... I'd keep reading for sure.

I will make sure I watch for that in the future. Yes, Rupert is the protag.

Thank you again all.

Sandra





A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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RJ
Posted: March 17th, 2013, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Sandra,

Your first few pages threw me a little with your style being, as Reaper put it - very unique, but after that I was getting into the whole underlying conspiracy and where this was heading.

Very intriguing start.  I want to know what Rupert is on about and why Dee is involved. Will read more when it's up.

Renee

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RJ  -  March 17th, 2013, 9:33pm
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irish eyes
Posted: March 17th, 2013, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Hey Sandra

On page 7 you might want to clarify that you're back to scene after the flashback with

BACK TO PRESENT DAY
OR
INT. RUPERTíS OFFICE - MORNING - PRESENT DAY

This was a great read, over written in some points but thoroughly enjoyed.

It was pretty clear that Rubert is your protag and Lolly makes a pretty good sidekick.

You set it up really well
and I look forward to your feature

Mark


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crookedowl
Posted: March 17th, 2013, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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Sandra,

I think a previous reviewer mentioned that you lost them at page 6. Well... you lost me halfway through the first page.

Don't get me wrong, this is well written and all... it's just that the writing isn't really clear. I get the basic idea of what's happening, but it just kinda feels confusing. Maybe it's just me.

Not sure if that's the intention or not... maybe I'm just tired.

Then the story itself starts getting confusing by page 5. I really don't have much to comment on because... well, I'm not really sure what's happening.

Would I keep reading? Well, it looks interesting. I guess it'll make more sense as it goes on... I hope...

So not bad by any means. Come to think of it, it has a pretty cool atmosphere... it's just not my cup of tea.

Will
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 17th, 2013, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Wonderful to hear from you...

Renee, you said

>Very intriguing start.  I want to know what Rupert is on about and why Dee is involved. Will read more when it's up.

Thank you Renee. The challenge will be in the exposition. It needs to be handled very delicately and alas, I don't think I'm skilled enough yet to incorporate what I need without bogging the story down. I am going to try.

Mark, you said

>On page 7 you might want to clarify that you're back to scene after the flashback with

Yes. I need a whole lot of work with the back and forth of scenes. Readers don't read minds.

Will, you said

>So not bad by any means. Come to think of it, it has a pretty cool atmosphere... it's just not my cup of tea.

I completely understand. Things don't always float our boats. I appreciate the read very much and if it has atmosphere, then that's good because I was trying to draw that up,-- a bit heavy with the black on the first page, but I wanted it to be visual in a way that hints  at a soundless environment in front of Xsess Technologies. Go figure, eh?

Much appreciated,

Sandra




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Blakkwolfe
Posted: March 18th, 2013, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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Here's what I got; Rupert works for a big, megalithic corporation, Xsess, founded by Anton Marconius (who is introduced in stained glass) and whose soul resides in a cellphone like device.

Xsess is an awesome corporate name. Story certainly suggests a feeling of grey corporate gloom and comformity, despite the flashes of color in Dee's dress and the stained glass...

Rupert recruits outsiders (the amish girl-assumed to symbolize the technologically pure) to become insiders who are so enamoured with thier toys and Cheezos that they don't even notice when an earthquake hits.

Easier to follow if Woman/Dee is consistent, as others have mentioned.

Nicely Dystopian. Look forward to seeing what happens to Rupert and the dark Empire that Anton created...


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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nawazm11
Posted: March 19th, 2013, 6:24am Report to Moderator
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Up next.

Sandra, really, really digging this. This is definitely my type of story, very solid job here. My favourite entry so far. It's kind of got this surreal vibe going through it, the characters feel very real and I don't think I've ever said that for a script. There is a lot of mystery here, the exposition is handed out perfectly in small doses, I have many questions that I'd still like answered but there's still enough information for me to understand what's happening.

The writing style was pretty good as well, I could see your voice here, some good stuff. I loved the opening scene with Rupert feeling the earthquake, great way to start the script.

I got this Scientology vibe throughout the script, were you inspired by it by any chance? I'd read some stories about them brainwashing people, some creepy stuff.

Have you ever watched Primer? Your script is kind of similar to it (except for the obvious time travel angle). The characters love to talk about things that they themselves understand but the audience doesn't. Although this can be confusing, it's incredibly realistic and makes for great dialogue.

Not a lot to say about this, I think this is a great start. You definitely know what you're doing. Will love to read the full feature.
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dogglebe
Posted: March 19th, 2013, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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I got a little lost with some of this, to be honest.  I'm not sure where it happened, but it did.  Xsess is obviously a multi-national corporation with its fingers in everything and their products hurt humanity.  I understood that.  The pin just... I don't know.  And by page ten, we should know where we are going with the story.

I like yopur writing style.  Very description, but it tends to run on a bit.  It could be tightened up a bit.

Hope this helps.


Phil
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 19th, 2013, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Blakkwolfe
Here's what I got; Rupert works for a big, megalithic corporation, Xsess, founded by Anton Marconius (who is introduced in stained glass) and whose soul resides in a cellphone like device.

Xsess is an awesome corporate name. Story certainly suggests a feeling of grey corporate gloom and comformity, despite the flashes of color in Dee's dress and the stained glass...

Rupert recruits outsiders (the amish girl-assumed to symbolize the technologically pure) to become insiders who are so enamoured with thier toys and Cheezos that they don't even notice when an earthquake hits.

Easier to follow if Woman/Dee is consistent, as others have mentioned.

Nicely Dystopian. Look forward to seeing what happens to Rupert and the dark Empire that Anton created...


Thanks Joe,

I'm glad you got Anton. I'm working on that angle.


Quoted from nawazm11
Up next.


I got this Scientology vibe throughout the script, were you inspired by it by any chance? I'd read some stories about them brainwashing people, some creepy stuff.

Have you ever watched Primer?


Thanks Nawasm11,

In honesty, I haven't watched that many movies. One of the movies that inspires me over all is one called, "The Firm". The idea of a company controlling one's life, the idea of anything controlling one's life, one's individuality and personal freedom-- whatever that is.

Now that you've mentioned Primer, I will try and find it and watch. I appreciate suggestions from people here on S.S.



Quoted from dogglebe
I got a little lost with some of this, to be honest.  I'm not sure where it happened, but it did.  Xsess is obviously a multi-national corporation with its fingers in everything and their products hurt humanity.  I understood that.  The pin just... I don't know.  And by page ten, we should know where we are going with the story.

I like your writing style.  Very description, but it tends to run on a bit.  It could be tightened up a bit.

Hope this helps.

Phil


You know, I really understand when you mention the ambiguity of the pin. When you bring it up, (I go yeah, I felt that, too) it's one of those things that niggles at you, but you're just struggling to make things work and it has to sit for awhile while you work it out/through.

I've been working notes to expound on it without beating it to death.

Thanks again, all.

Now back to some reads.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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pale yellow
Posted: March 20th, 2013, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Sandra,

I love your writing style, and it's been a while since I've seen a script from you. This story has a lot of intrigue in it. I'm wondering what will happen. The whole soul in the pin thing is a bit strange for me....but it may work. I like Rupert. He's weird...deep feeling character. These types, I tend to remember and root for.

I'm not sure if the people at the corporation are digitally controlled...or if they have just become day in/day out brain dead. There is a bit of confusion as to where the story is headed...but it feels like intrigue...mystery...definitely you set the tone nice.

Enjoyed...but looking forward to seeing where this one goes in the future.

d


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 20th, 2013, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from pale yellow
Sandra,

I love your writing style, and it's been a while since I've seen a script from you. This story has a lot of intrigue in it. I'm wondering what will happen. The whole soul in the pin thing is a bit strange for me....but it may work. I like Rupert. He's weird...deep feeling character. These types, I tend to remember and root for.

I'm not sure if the people at the corporation are digitally controlled...or if they have just become day in/day out brain dead. There is a bit of confusion as to where the story is headed...but it feels like intrigue...mystery...definitely you set the tone nice.

Enjoyed...but looking forward to seeing where this one goes in the future.

d


Pale Yellow, (d)  

Thank you so much for the read. You are very solid (and from what I here prolific writer) and I realized today, I haven't gotten to your script! I read Bad Connection but not Dead Connection.

Re: my script. I am working like a dog to expose the Soul Pin thing without it being some hokey piece of drool... And enter into what I know needs to take place. Trying to balance everything will be extremely difficult.

For me, it will be a case of writing through to page thirty and see how close I am to where I need to be to get to page fifty. And then, as always happens. Other things will creep in and I have to be careful that I don't tinker with it too much. That's the dangerous part. And then the whole thing is wrecked! Not that it can't be fixed, but time ticks away.

I just don't have the internal locator yet-- that internal sense and feel of the ninety or so pages that I'd like to write.

I'd really like to keep this low in page count.

Today I was out doing a visitation again and other obligations kept me busy.

I will try on Friday to get your script read!

Thank you so much, Pale.  

Sandra






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