Smart Phones, Stupid People by T. Joseph Fraser (Blakkwolfe) - Thriller - A team of bungling, socially inept losers intercept a mind-controlling smart phone intended for use by a deadly and beautiful assassin. - pdf, format

Very well written Joe Mean, Mean Joe, Blackkwolfe,  

It goes snappety snap on the page. The title is cute. Now when Bob says,

>BOB
Look, dude. The way technology
changes so fast- you can get a
phone a few years old for way
cheap. You’ll see. Leave it to me.
I know how to work these guys.
Wheel and deal, that’s me.

It's going to be interesting to see how he bargains and what DQ winds up with.  

Sandra

@Blackkwolfe

Well, stranger.  Your logline got me hooked, especially the deadly and beautiful assassin part.

page#3, at the top you switched things on us.  The ridiculously hot girl, CHLOE, right--?  Well, you have the former as her character cue here.  Did I miss something--?

--I had a bit of trouble trying to figure out your protag.  I assume it's Capricorn.

--Your writing and dialogue is pretty tight.  So far, so good.  I'd keep reading.

Ghostie

Hey, Mean Joe, you might want to fix that NIEGHBOURHOOD in the first slug i.e. EI
and the, 'Of a black mercedes', while we're at it & also:'what' you Americans are calling it these days - typos.

Hmm, 'ridiculously hot' see the 'writing women thread'. Jeff would definitely approve!
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1363196154/s-new/But, it fits with the genre you're writing.

You've nailed the 'bungling and socially inept' characterisations and I liked the descriptions of these guys. I also like the humour throughout starting with 'yah' from Capricorn on the phone - that gave me a chuckle, as did a few other bits throughout.

I thought Capricorn was a girl btw. No worthy description?

The sentence beginning with 'Except for' as a start to a new scene, reads a little confusing in the 'Jolly Java'. I get that it's a continuation from the previous scene but considering you ended that with a period. Just like that. Get it?

'Ridiculously hot', again?

In summing up, I alternate between thinking this is clever and amusing and thinking it's a bit 'been there, done that'.

You did entertain me with: 'This level of idiocy usually takes care of itself'- nice line, following on from the 'epiphany' all which made me chuckle, but to tell you truth I was running out of patience towards the end with where this was actually going and trying to figure out the plot. My advice would be to tighten it up quite a bit.

I'm unlikely to crack it open again to be honest, but that's probably due to the fact that I'm more of a 'thriller' girl and I think this is going via 'Bill & Ted's smartphone adventure'.

I really liked DQ's commentary on phones btw. Spot on.

Good luck with the rest of it.

Libby

Got a bit confused at Ridiculously Hot...in the slug first ....was that Chloe or another character?? Then you use on down...I dunno...try to avoid too many things that may confuse a reader.

One other question...WHO is the protag in this?

The writing is fast and easy to read. I would keep reading on. Good job for a start...can't wait to see where you go with it.

I thought this was decent for a week's worth. I'd read a little bit further to see how the "deal" goes down.

Some dialogue of DQ and Slovinkia feels wooden unless that was on purpose as part of the comedy.

Minor things:

pg 1 "besides a..." ditch 'of'
pg 2 some lines stiff / wooden. Ex. Slovinkia's bit at end of page 2
pg 3  'ridiculously hot' should be chloe
pg 4  should be '...hang out here..."

First, Thank ya'll thus far for reading! I've been away from screenwriting for a while (though did manage to get my masters in the interim) and finally have some time to jump back in!

Sandra: Thank you! I'm glad that you thought it was snappy on the page. We'll see how D.Q. tries to wheel and deal the pawn shop guy...Hoping comedic mayhem ensues.

Ghostwriter- Hey! Yeah, the Chloe/Ridiculously Hot thing got a little messy. I'll clean it up and clarify. It's a team comedy between Capricorn (the brains and computer whiz) and D.Q. (The moral compass) and Bob (the wannabe womanizer)...Likely Capricorn will emerge as the main protag, since he started the story rolling and has the higher , life or death, stakes (so he thinks). I'll also clarify the gender.

LC- I'm glad you got a few chuckles thus far. I'll address the typos- I know there are still some clunky phrases in there. I agree with the been there, done that feeling with the genre. Hopefully I'll be able to turn in upside down and backwards a bit and show things with a different perspective. Loved Bill & Ted (the first one- have to revisit that.)

Pale- Yeah, changing the Ridiculously Hot character to Chloe was an afterthought after I figured that she's going to play a bigger role in the story. I should have printed out and edited a hard copy before submitting- good way to catch errors like that.

King- Yeah, admit I'm playing up Slovinkia as a bit of a James Bond/Supervillian stereotype. Hope to have some fun with that as the story progresses.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my story and I look forward to returning the favor!

Hey Joseph, good to see an entry from you.

Fade in starts on the left

EXT. WEALTHY NIEGHBORHOOD - DAY... NEIGHBORHOOD

peices,... pieces

page 2

Is that you Americans call it these
days? ...Is that what you Americans

Designated location.... don't need a capital "D"

page 3

RIDICULOUSLY HOT
Oh...Oh watch out! ... who is this?

Ridiculously Hot Chloe smiles in
the passenger seat... wow how many more times?

You had a lot of characters with alot to say and I have no idea who the protag is.

It had it's funny moments and was pretty well written.

Good luck with your feature

Mark

I agree with what everyone else is saying about the protagonist -- we think it's Capricorn, but then he's totally gone by page three and DQ (Dairy Queen?) and Bob take over for the next 8 pages. So if Capricorn has a major role in this, you should give him something to do in that interim period. Maybe if he has another scene before DQ and Bob arrive at the pawn shop would help there (unless DQ IS the protagonist, which if that is the case, forget what I just said!).

I thought this moved fairly well, there were some good lines in there, but I think in some places it felt a bit rushed and forced. I was trying to decide if this is a straight comedy or if it's supposed to be a thriller as well. What you don't want is a script that doesn't know if its one or the other. I think you know where you're going, but make sure we know it as well.

Good start so far and looking forward to seeing the rest!

BW,

I guess ol' Capricorn is gonna be a little bit in over his head soon.  Dialogue, check.  Part of me thinks the characters here are not socially inept losers, but normal.  I guess that says something about me.   I'm sure once the gang comes together, it should be the cataylist for the fun to begin.

I love reading dialogue that is aligns with itself with a character and moves the story at the same time.  Also, if Chole is the ridiculously hot assassin, then maybe she is prodigy at the video games?

It didn't have enough Capricorn/Chole on the first 11, but it should be a solid finished script.

Johnny

Hey, Joe. This one is up next.

Page 1: The Vibrating phone made me stumble, it took me a while to notice you were talking about Capricorn's phone. And even then, I had no clue what Chloe was on about when she asks him about the phone since it was never stated that it vibrated so her dialogue seems to be out of no where. But then a little later you say it's vibrating which strangely enough, made me more confused! I'd consider fixing this up.

Page 3: The switch from highland street slug to the coffee shop also made me stumble. I'd suggest putting a '-' in there so you know that this is part of the same sentence.
"all with important places to go --
EXT. THE JOLLY JAVA BEAN COFFEE SHOP. - DAY
-- except for DE’QUAN “D.Q.” GRUNDERBACH"

"two sizes to small." too small*

Page 11: Bob's line, lmao.

Finished.

This is some solid work, Joseph. I actually enjoyed pretty much all of it. I'm really liking the 'dumb and dumber' aspect of it. I think this could be really fun, perfect way to develop a feature.

You've got a good grasp of your characters and I can see the story moulding already. I think this has everything a 10 pager needs.

The scene with Capricorn wasn't just for exposition, right? Hopefully they come back later into the story.

Good start, man. Can't wait to see what you do with this.

Mark: We'll be seeing a lot of Ridiculously Hot Chloe. How, exactly she fits in the mix remains to be seen.  Fixed that dialogue on the phone.

Gonna research having multiple protagonists; thinking mainly on the lines of The Three Amigos, Ghostbusters and other comedies where each character in the triad has a dramatic need and individual conflict with the antagonist that can only be solved through the action of the group. It's the group's story: how they work together to beat the assassin and fulfill each character arc. Is it gonna work? I dunno. We'll see.

Hawkeye: It's intended to be straight up comedy with some action/thriller elements tossed in the mix. An interim scene with Capricorn might be a good idea, as D.Q. (More of a take of his first name, but expect at least one or two Dairy Queen product placements to take advantage of the tie in) and Bob get a little chatty.

Johnny: Thanks! Hoping it comes together and makes sense...Chloe being much smarter than people give her credit for because she is so ridiculously hot? Yep. She's gonna be in the mix, to be sure. In what capacity? Hmmm.

Nazwam: Check. I'll clean up that bit with the phone and I'm glad you enjoyed it. Going for a Dumb and Dumber feel- Loooong time since I tried writing comedy (Pumpkin OWC was the last one, I think...)so it's kind of fun...

Thank you very much for your thoughts and comments. I will return the favor shortly if I have not done so already.

Thought this was a nice little story to start.

From what I grasp (this is how it came across to me) - Sloviknia is the baddie, Capricorn is his lacky, Cloe is the beautiful assasin, DQ is the protag and Bob is his sidekick. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is what seemed clear to me.

The way that Java Waitress interacted with the boys I thought she might play into the script a bit more down the track??

I can see where this is going and it seems like a nice little comedy, though you have it down as thriller and I don't see that in it so far.

The way you've written it you have peeked my interest and I would like to read on.

Renee

Mean Joe,

Finally got around to reading the rest of the entries. Sorry for taking so long. I haven't read any other feedback, so I might be repeating stuff.

Overall this is an intriguing start. Couple typos, but that's understandable for one week. The writing's solid and your characters are interesting. You have some pretty funny lines in this, too.

I think the biggest issue here is the lack of clarity. But maybe it's just me. A lot of things happen in the first five pages... many characters are introduced and a lotta stuff goes down.

Something about this punk rock guy fixing a phone, then getting a call from this mysterious guy? He's working for the guy somehow, and the guy sent some girl to hang out with him? Like I said, things happen a little too fast. Maybe I'm just tired.

But it's still a good read and I'm looking forward to the rest. I wish I had more to say. I want to know where this is all going, and when it comes to the first ten, that's what matters most.

I'll have a better review for the finished feature. Good job.

Will

Hey Joe. Another one I read a couple of days back.

p.4
"I don’t mind if you guys hang out her, but..."
-- should be 'here'.

p.5
"Peoples lives depend on this service."
-- people's live (dang possessives).

Had to read it twice, but I liked it. Not too sure how Capricorn's been put up as the protag - seems to be DQ & Bob to me. Caricorn's looks like a stooge, and Chloe appears to be a gift from Sloviknia -- and Capricorn's Mum appears to be in on it too, just not sure what the relation is there.

Slovikia's dialogue, I didn't like - came across as something from a bad 80's comedy thriller.

I did like the exchanges between DQ & Bob - I think they worked really well, and I liked that the lead up to the (forthcoming) inciting incident was made to look incidental.

There's some nice humor in there, and some nice word play too - that helps to keep things interesting.

I felt that he characters voices came across well enough to not have them portrayed physically as they were - one tall & skinny with 'look-at-me' glasses, the other, Danny DeVito - I felt that was too much of a 'please laugh at me' job, especially when I do think the dialogue did the work well enough itself.

pretty good overall - it'll interesting to see where & how this one develops.