Geezis Kryst, ah, okay...
Did you not get the memo about using your real name?
Okedoke, first off a logline comment:
After surviving an attack by notorious serial killer Jack the Ripper, can a broken women find the strength to recover from a near death experience and exact her revenge? A conclusion at the start of your logline and a bit of a Spoiler in one? I'd personally keep that under wraps.
After surviving a near death experience a broken woman must find the courage to exact revenge upon her attacker (or?) What?
I'm not sure about using a question for a logline.
And conversely, I don't know... Perhaps I'm wrong and the inclusion of Jack in the log is the drawcard?
He eventually finishes and stands holding a piece of organ in
his hand.... A
piece of organ sounds a little clumsy to my ear.
Before I continue, Congrats! You got to the finish line and this ain't too shabby.
Some random thoughts and observations:
For someone newish to the game you show a lot of talent with some very nice descriptions. Just remember in a story like this being specific with your visuals will add to the story - I'm talking here about the 'organ' - what actually do we see in all its gruesome glory on screen?
Nice character descriptions, and you're using punchy verbs. Good job.
MRS DAVIES, 53, WELSH, an imposing, buxom woman, carrying
more brown paper packages, charges into the kitchen with a
determination.You only need say 'with determination' or leave it at 'kitchen. Unless you were going to qualify that line I.e., 'a determination to do something’ it reads open ended.
A lot of writers starting out usually go with pedestrian verbs. Imposing, buxom, 'charges into', as opposed to walks into the room' sets the visual and action nicely, and shows us a bit of her blustery character in the process. Good on you!
Davies starts to unwrap the packages and making herself busy around the kitchen.That doesn't read well imho.
...'starts to' do anything can be a bugbear for some cause what your audience sees is actually just that, the doing, not the starting to do. Suggestion: Davies unwraps packages, makes herself busy around the kitchen. Better yet: Davies busies herself with unwrapping packages.
Ah, another example:
Libby starts spooning the food from the panSimplified: Libby spoons food from the pan.
Ha! Great character name btw, even if I do say so myself, but...
Libby Parsons – Double Jeopardy.Also, at one point below (at least), you call her Parson. Typo?
Speaking of, as Dave said, lots of typos, punctuation, grammar etc. Notably the omission of offset commas with names etc. All easily fixed.
EXT. TOWNHOUSE – EVENING
This entire scene you're skipping on sluglines.
Libby moves from that first location onto streets and down alleyways, so you need to write in those location slugs separately. Just be aware of that cause at the moment we're still effectively stuck at that first locale
EXT. TOWNHOUSE. I think in this example Mini Slugs are your best and most streamlined bet.
making her way through streets
then darts down a darkened alleyThe action splits from Libby to A Man too, so, where is he located?
a man p.11 Okay, it's George. But THE MAN still needs Capping prior.
Get rid of all the CUT TO transitions. They're extraneous.
The New scene header does that job for you. Your CUT TOs and your Orphans are bloating your page count. More on the latter below.
The only time I might write a CUT TO is if for example we were in one country and we then cut fast to another quite different locale.
Or, we Cut To a radically different time, mood, and place.
and deeps a deep sniff.
And takes a deep sniff.
Bad Typo.
It’s the left over form last
nights salmon from the house, I’m
just adding some small potatoes
and herbs to flavour.
^ Example above of simple fixes/typos etc.
It's (the left over) leftovers from last night's salmon, from the house.
Proof reading is paramount. But, you were probably under the gun with the final deadline. And you wrote a Feature, wow!
GEORGE
I don’t want you to be scared my
lovely, (New sentence here)what if I came to meet
you after work and walked you
home? Would that help?Yeah, well he did before, didn't he? And scared the hell out of her. I'd suggest you change that. Perhaps make it a phantom but harmless stranger (the Man) who scares her and then George startles her again when he comes to her rescue/to meet see her safely home. I see what doing there by introducing a potentially scary and suspenseful moment, but he comes across as a bit of a dick. Unless of course that’s your intention. The idea of a suspenseful misdirection is good, just make sure if he's a good guy that he truly is. If George was a regular practical joker then
maybe that setup could work well but I personally would have her jumping at harmless strangers and shadows and then George's appearance doubles the impact.
Good to see you’ve done your research. I thought Aberline was a particularly good character name and then I discover he was in fact the initial Chief Inspector on the case. Should have remembered having watched plenty of Jack movies.
As I mentioned above, on another technical matter, you've lots of orphaned sentences. Those coupled with your CUT Tos mean your page count is probably a lot less than it seems.
George gets up and walks around to Libby, he squats beside
her.Libby doesn’t look too sure but eventually, slowly nods her
head.
See the one word at the end of the line of description out on its lonesome?
I really don't care about a few, silly Orphans but a lot of them can add up. If you can write those lines more economically (and in this case you can) without sacrificing the feel of what you're saying, then consider it.
Libby looks hesitant, or: Libby weighs this up... (Why? Is she weighing up her independence?)
If George is attempting to console her then he's probably going to kneel beside her, (as opposed to
squat - not an ideal word in this context) maybe even put his arms around her.
Then her response is more definite: An emphatic nod of the head. Or, she nods her head.
Ha!
George reaches towards Libby’s plate.
GEORGE (CONT’D)
Can I finish this?.So, he's a bit of a goofball after all. Nice touch.
Just as you need to cap The Man (George), you also need to Cap The Figure. It can get awkward cause I'm guessing you wanted to withhold info from the reader but we're going to see both George and Jack make their appearance. You can reveal the character a little later but either way every character must be capped on first intro.
Martha's dying but described as plump? My initial thought is, does that tally with dying of TB?
I'm not sure about Martha and Aberline's dialogue exchange. Characters in real life and fictional, from my experience don't usually verbalise so much about 'journeys' into death/ their impending demise in such length. It came off a bit on the nose to me, expositional as well, and too long. I also wondered at the reason for it?
JACK (CONT’D)
I think I’m in the mood for some
liver tonight.Hmm, I think here you've crossed a fourth-wall line, almost. Sounds a bit too author intervention/Hannibal Lecter to me.
Jack slumps to the side as the weight of a Silver candlestick
crashes against his skull. He lets out a gargled wail.^ Now this is interesting cause at first I thought that line's back the front. Then again, no. It's your design. You resisted writing Libby grappling for the candlestick, her hands inches away from it etc. Yeah, nice move. Good for you, directing the scene your way not the cliched-suspense way.
Jack slumps to the side as the weight of a Silver candlestick
crashes against his skull. He lets out a gargled wail.
The candlestick falls from Libby’s now limp hand. She slowly
gets up as Jack writhes on the ground. I do however quibble over her getting up slowly. I think she'd be on her feet (adrenaline spike) quick as a flash.
Okay, I'll stop there for now.
You're well on your way with this. Like Dave said, tone and atmosphere are very good overall, dialogue is natural (bar a few hiccups), easy to follow, nice characters, well trod story with an interesting 'victim' / revenge angle.
I'll definitely read to the end and try to give you more on story a bit later.
I imagine you're pretty chuffed with this first effort.