Killing Jack by Geezis Kryst - Horror, Thriller - After surviving an attack by notorious serial killer Jack the Ripper, can a broken women find the strength to recover from a near death experience and exact her revenge? 86 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Quoted Text EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT SUPERIMPOSE: LONDON 1888 Whitechapel. A run down, working class area. The streets are cobbled in places, trodden dirt in others. Alleyways are claustrophobic and dark.

The SUPER should go after your opening description block - not before it.

Quoted Text DEW Couple of things sir, firstly a cup of tea, you look all in if you don’t mind me saying

You make this error throughout - there needs to be a comma before Sir.  That is true whether you are using a real name or a nickname or a title.

I am generally really digging the dialogue other than Jacks - he sounds off to me. Too casual/jokey.

Nice job on atmosphere throughout - really feel that I am the right time and place.

Like the back story with ABBERLINE's wife (her illness). Nicely done there.

Typos throughout - to many to list - just know that this needs tidying up.

The investigation dialogue with Libby is stellar!

Seems to me that by now they would be talking about the fact that the third attack was not a hooker.

Quoted Text GEORGE Libby. Libby. Blood suddenly gushes from Libby’s neck, she gurgles a cry. GEORGE (Shouting) LIBBY.

I think George should be VO here

So.... Stop commenting and just read on.

Solid story

A lot of grammar and typos to be fixed

Some of the action blocks could be trimmed - a little overwritten in a few places.

Great tone/atmosphere

Terrific dialogue. Especially the investigative dialogue.

Geezis Kryst, ah, okay...
Did you not get the memo about using your real name?

Okedoke, first off a logline comment:
After surviving an attack by notorious serial killer Jack the Ripper, can a broken women find the strength to recover from a near death experience and exact her revenge?

A conclusion at the start of your logline and a bit of a Spoiler in one? I'd personally keep that under wraps.
After surviving a near death experience a broken woman must find the courage to exact revenge upon her attacker (or?) What?
I'm not sure about using a question for a logline.
And conversely, I don't know... Perhaps I'm wrong and the inclusion of Jack in the log is the drawcard?

He eventually finishes and stands holding a piece of organ in
his hand.
... A piece of organ sounds a little clumsy to my ear.  

Before I continue, Congrats! You got to the finish line and this ain't too shabby.
Some random thoughts and observations:

For someone newish to the game you show a lot of talent with some very nice descriptions. Just remember in a story like this being specific with your visuals will add to the story - I'm talking here about the 'organ' - what actually do we see in all its gruesome glory on screen?

Nice character descriptions, and you're using punchy verbs. Good job.

MRS DAVIES, 53, WELSH, an imposing, buxom woman, carrying
more brown paper packages, charges into the kitchen with a
determination.

You only need say 'with determination' or leave it at 'kitchen.  Unless you were going to qualify that line I.e.,  'a determination to do something’ it reads open ended.

A lot of writers starting out usually go with pedestrian verbs. Imposing, buxom, 'charges into', as opposed to walks into the room' sets the visual and action nicely, and shows us a bit of her blustery character in the process. Good on you!

Davies starts to unwrap the packages and making herself busy around the kitchen.
That doesn't read well imho.

...'starts to' do anything can be a bugbear for some cause what your audience sees is actually just that, the doing, not the starting to do. Suggestion: Davies unwraps packages, makes herself busy around the kitchen. Better yet: Davies busies herself with unwrapping packages.

Ah, another example: Libby starts spooning the food from the pan
Simplified: Libby spoons food from the pan.
Ha! Great character name btw, even if I do say so myself, but... Libby Parsons – Double Jeopardy.
Also, at one point below (at least), you call her Parson. Typo?

Speaking of, as Dave said, lots of typos, punctuation, grammar etc. Notably the omission of offset commas with names etc. All easily fixed.

EXT. TOWNHOUSE – EVENING
This entire scene you're skipping on sluglines.

Libby moves from that first location onto streets and down alleyways, so you need to write in those location slugs separately. Just be aware of that cause at the moment we're still effectively stuck at that first locale
EXT. TOWNHOUSE. I think in this example Mini Slugs are your best and most streamlined bet.

making her way through streets
then darts down a darkened alley

The action splits from Libby to A Man too, so, where is he located?

a man p.11 Okay, it's George. But THE MAN still needs Capping prior.

Get rid of all the CUT TO transitions. They're extraneous.

The New scene header does that job for you.  Your CUT TOs and your Orphans are  bloating your page count. More on the latter below.

The only time I might write a CUT TO is if for example we were in one country and we then cut fast to another quite different locale.
Or, we Cut To a radically different time, mood, and place.

and deeps a deep sniff.
And takes a deep sniff.
Bad Typo.

It’s the left over form last
nights salmon from the house, I’m
just adding some small potatoes
and herbs to flavour.

^ Example above of simple fixes/typos etc.
It's  (the left over) leftovers from last night's salmon, from the house.

Proof reading is paramount. But, you were probably under the gun with the final deadline. And you wrote a Feature, wow!

GEORGE
I don’t want you to be scared my
lovely, (New sentence here)what if I came to meet
you after work and walked you
home? Would that help?

Yeah, well he did before, didn't he? And scared the hell out of her. I'd suggest you change that. Perhaps make it a phantom but harmless stranger (the Man) who scares her and then George startles her again when he comes to her rescue/to meet see her safely home. I see what doing there by introducing a potentially scary and suspenseful moment, but he comes across as a bit of a dick. Unless of course that’s your intention. The idea of a suspenseful misdirection is good, just make sure if he's a good guy that he truly is. If George was a regular practical joker then
maybe that setup could work well but I personally would have her jumping at harmless strangers and shadows and then George's appearance doubles the impact.

Good to see you’ve done your research. I thought Aberline was a particularly good character name and then I discover he was in fact the initial Chief Inspector on the case. Should have remembered having watched plenty of Jack movies.

As I mentioned above, on another technical matter, you've lots of orphaned sentences. Those coupled with your CUT Tos mean your page count is probably a lot less than it seems.

George gets up and walks around to Libby, he squats beside
her.

Libby doesn’t look too sure but eventually, slowly nods her
head.

See the one word at the end of the line of description out on its lonesome?
I really don't care about a few, silly Orphans but a lot of them can add up. If you can write those lines more economically (and in this case you can) without sacrificing the feel of what you're saying, then consider it.

Libby looks hesitant, or: Libby weighs this up... (Why? Is she weighing up her independence?)
If George is attempting to console her then he's probably going to kneel beside her, (as opposed to squat - not an ideal word in this context) maybe even put his arms around her.
Then her response is more definite: An emphatic nod of the head. Or, she nods her head.

Ha!
George reaches towards Libby’s plate.
GEORGE (CONT’D)
Can I finish this?.
So, he's a bit of a goofball after all. Nice touch.

Just as you need to cap The Man (George), you also need to Cap The Figure. It can get awkward cause I'm guessing you wanted to withhold info from the reader but we're going to see both George and Jack make their appearance. You can reveal the character a little later but either way every character must be capped on first intro.

Martha's dying but described as plump? My initial thought is, does that tally with dying of TB?
I'm not sure about Martha and Aberline's dialogue exchange. Characters in real life and fictional, from my experience don't usually verbalise so much about 'journeys' into death/ their impending demise in such length. It came off a bit on the nose to me, expositional as well, and too long. I also wondered at the reason for it?

JACK (CONT’D)
I think I’m in the mood for some
liver tonight.

Hmm, I think here you've crossed a fourth-wall line, almost. Sounds a bit too author intervention/Hannibal Lecter to me.

Jack slumps to the side as the weight of a Silver candlestick
crashes against his skull. He lets out a gargled wail.
^ Now this is interesting cause at first I thought that line's back the front. Then again, no. It's your design. You resisted writing Libby grappling for the candlestick, her hands inches away from it etc. Yeah, nice move. Good for you, directing the scene your way not the cliched-suspense way.

Jack slumps to the side as the weight of a Silver candlestick
crashes against his skull. He lets out a gargled wail.
The candlestick falls from Libby’s now limp hand. She slowly
gets up as Jack writhes on the ground.
I do however quibble over her getting up slowly. I think she'd be on her feet (adrenaline spike) quick as a flash.


Okay, I'll stop there for now.
You're well on your way with this. Like Dave said, tone and atmosphere are very good overall, dialogue is natural (bar a few hiccups), easy to follow, nice characters, well trod story with an interesting 'victim' / revenge angle.

I'll definitely read to the end and try to give you more on story a bit later.
I imagine you're pretty chuffed with this first effort.

A couple more things caught my eye:

This is a particularly nice section:
INT. A ROOM - NIGHT
The room is dark until a match sparks and lights a candle,
throwing light on a desk and chair. The desk is filled with
blank paper and pens.
Two more candles are lit and they throw a little more light
on the room. It’s sparse. Apart from the desk and chair there
is a bed.
Jack moves around the room, he is completely naked.
His body is a mass of scars, his face is never seen.
He sits at a table and his left hand lifts a pen and dips it
in red ink.
He scribbles his first words on the page...

I'm going to guess here, you've been swatting a lot where it comes to visual writing. Nice Work.

...

For the most part spell out numbers in screenplay writing:

was killed in Buck’s Row,
about 1 mile east of here

That should be: ...one mile

Good morning, I’m at work on my break so stole a few minutes to check the boards.
Thank you so much for all the feedback so far, I’ve only really skimmed over them but there are some wonderful nuggets of wisdom in there for me.
When I’m home I’ll read through them thoroughly, take notes and at some point next week I’ll start a rewrite with the suggestions in place and then repost (if anyone cares to read it again).
I am chuffed to bits with my first effort and with the excellent feedback, constructive criticisms and pointers I get from each of you fantastic people I’m sure I will only improve.

Thanks once again.

Owen xxx

For me, this read more like a novel than a script. That being said, it was descriptive and the scenes could be visualized. Less "writing" might make the action flow smoother, but you did really good if this was your first feature script.

^ Arundel, it might be helpful if you give Owen some examples.

I haven't read the entire script yet but up to the point I did read (around p.40) I wasn't really conscious of too much novelistic description being employed.

Quoted from Geezis Good morning, I’m at work on my break so stole a few minutes to check the boards. Thank you so much for all the feedback so far, I’ve only really skimmed over them but there are some wonderful nuggets of wisdom in there for me. When I’m home I’ll read through them thoroughly, take notes and at some point next week I’ll start a rewrite with the suggestions in place and then repost (if anyone cares to read it again). I am chuffed to bits with my first effort and with the excellent feedback, constructive criticisms and pointers I get from each of you fantastic people I’m sure I will only improve. Thanks once again. Owen xxx

You're welcome - best of luck

@Eldave1

Thank you for the feedback, I do struggle sometimes with the technicalities of writing a script but it's definitely something I'll be working on.

Someone suggested to me a few weeks back to read novels to help with dialogue and I've done that so I'm really pleased you liked it.

I have a lot of work to do to improve but I do appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.

@LC

Thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed critique of the script.

I am amazed that you could tell some of the difficulties I had with characterisation, particularly George. I think he is my weakest character because I didn't know how to write him properly, you're absolutely right, he comes across as a bit of a dick but his heart and intentions are in the right place and he changes tack as I wrote him, I just couldn't find a way to express how I actually wanted him to be.

As I mentioned to Eldave1, I struggle with the technicalities and it's something I will work on, in all honesty I was getting sick to the back teeth of writing CUT TO, but that's just my lack of experience, as with the other technical aspects of writing a screenplay.

The typos I have very little excuse for other than a lot of my writing was done when I finished a 12 hour shift, I did use my software's built in spell check but it's obviously not as robust as reading and then rereading to check errors for myself. Another good lesson learned.

I am pleased with my effort and it was a huge learning curve but once again thanks for the feedback.

@LC

P.S.

I did get the memo about using my real name but I like to keep a completely anonymous online profile given the nature of my job, I'm not a spy or anything seedy but I work a lot with the public and I don't want them Googling my name.

Very happy to provide my first name and full in name if required in PMs however.

Cheers

Quoted from Arundel For me, this read more like a novel than a script. That being said, it was descriptive and the scenes could be visualized. Less "writing" might make the action flow smoother, but you did really good if this was your first feature script.

Hi Arundel, thank you for the feedback.

I did feel at times it was getting a little wordy in places, particularly when describing a scene. Do you think I would be better served by keeping the descriptions snappier where possible and not try to oversell the scene?

Cheers

Okay, I looked back and there definitely are passages you should/could edit, so Arundel has a point.

Pedants will tell you to adhere to four lines per description paragraph.

Example: p.24

Clinging to the wall, Libby half staggers down the alley,
trying as fast as she can to escape. Jack lurches forward and
grabs for her coat. Libby is momentarily halted as the force
of the grab pulls her back, she panics again and shakes
herself out of the coat, leaving Jack holding it. He shouts
in anger, an incoherent rant.

At six lines that para and the whole sequence of paragraphs below it could be condensed to read more action packed.

I highlighted sections (above) for obvious reasons.

Muck about with that passage, Owen, as an experiment. Look at your favourite Pro action scripts to compare.

I think Collateral is a terrific read as an Action-filled script.
https://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/Collateral.html
Oh, and never rely on your screenwriting software to pick up typos - example: its and it's, their, there etc.

Glad you found some of my feedback helpful.

Quoted from Geezis I did feel at times it was getting a little wordy in places, particularly when describing a scene. Do you think I would be better served by keeping the descriptions snappier where possible and not try to oversell the scene?

Yes, and also the large chunks of dialog that the characters speak. I know it's tough to write less yet still fill pages. Maybe that's why I just stick to shorts so far. Anyway, not bad writing. As I said it could be pictured as read. Everyone's style is a little different.

Quoted from Arundel Yes, and also the large chunks of dialog that the characters speak. I know it's tough to write less yet still fill pages. Maybe that's why I just stick to shorts so far. Anyway, not bad writing. As I said it could be pictured as read. Everyone's style is a little different.

Thanks for that, cutting down and being more concise in my descriptions is something to work towards.

Cheers

Great job on your first feature, Geezis.

For a first attempt it's impressive indeed. The story was very clear, and the dialogue was good.

I've read the previous excellent reviews, so I'm not going to repeat what they said.

One thing I'll point out, which isn't criticism and shouldn't be taken as such...it's more like a Roadmap from good to great.

This is your opening:

Whitechapel. A run down, working class area. The streets are
cobbled in places, trodden dirt in others. Alleyways are
claustrophobic and dark.


Compared to the 1995 draft of the Jack the Ripper film, From Hell.

A STREET VENDOR
fires up a brazier, starting to roast chestnuts and squirrels over the flames. Unseen
by him, two urchins crouch under the barrow, trying to capture some of the
warmth. It's dusk, a blood red sky turns to purple as night falls.

Silhouetted against it is a grim and awful church. The massive portico and tower are
deliberately out of proportion, designed to instill a sense of fear in those who enter.
Its name is Christchurch and it stands in the heart of Whitechapel.

This is the armpit of London, grim Victorian tenements, dark alleys and lanes, a
filthy pub on every corner. The streets are crowded with the poor and desperate.
Scores of prostitutes, ranging in age from the early teens to the late 40's, work the
sidewalks and alleys, looking for trade.


I think with something like Jack the Ripper, you really want to sell the atmosphere of Whitechapel and established the mood right up front like they did. In the Pro example I posted, you really feel a sense of being there from the get go, something I felt was slightly lacking in yours.


I know you only had 7 weeks, and I was well off finishing even a draft in that time, so it's not a fair comparison. It's more of a suggestion for the next draft, to really take us into that time period and those streets.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Great job on your first feature, Geezis. For a first attempt it's impressive indeed. The story was very clear, and the dialogue was good. I've read the previous excellent reviews, so I'm not going to repeat what they said. One thing I'll point out, which isn't criticism and shouldn't be taken as such...it's more like a Roadmap from good to great. This is your opening: Whitechapel. A run down, working class area. The streets are cobbled in places, trodden dirt in others. Alleyways are claustrophobic and dark. Compared to the 1995 draft of the Jack the Ripper film, From Hell. A STREET VENDOR fires up a brazier, starting to roast chestnuts and squirrels over the flames. Unseen by him, two urchins crouch under the barrow, trying to capture some of the warmth. It's dusk, a blood red sky turns to purple as night falls. Silhouetted against it is a grim and awful church. The massive portico and tower are deliberately out of proportion, designed to instill a sense of fear in those who enter. Its name is Christchurch and it stands in the heart of Whitechapel. This is the armpit of London, grim Victorian tenements, dark alleys and lanes, a filthy pub on every corner. The streets are crowded with the poor and desperate. Scores of prostitutes, ranging in age from the early teens to the late 40's, work the sidewalks and alleys, looking for trade. I think with something like Jack the Ripper, you really want to sell the atmosphere of Whitechapel and established the mood right up front like they did. In the Pro example I posted, you really feel a sense of being there from the get go, something I felt was slightly lacking in yours. I know you only had 7 weeks, and I was well off finishing even a draft in that time, so it's not a fair comparison. It's more of a suggestion for the next draft, to really take us into that time period and those streets.

Thank you very much for feedback.

The From Hell example is fantastic as it shows me what I should be trying to achieve compared to what I have done. I take all feedback, criticism and suggestions as learning opportunities so I'm happy for all I get.

Cheers.

Hey Geezis,

That was great, man. Really good for a first feature. The dialogue felt mostly spot on for the time period. It was very self-assured writing with some solid repartee.

I like how you put pressure and strain on these relationships. The detective with his dying wife. George struggling to help Libby as she's spiraling. That's one area I'd consider taking further. Deepening the conflict between them. Maybe Libby pushes him further and further away despite his best efforts... could even be an attachment grows between her and Abberline as they've both been through hell.

You've got the bones of a good story here. The investigation, this damaged woman facing her demons, it all works for me.

For next draft, I'd suggest tightening/punching up the description writing a bit. And see if you can't be judicious in tightening up individual scenes. The saying goes... get into a scene as late as possible and leave as early as possible. Although, I think you do a pretty good job of this already.

Hope that helps. I'll try and take another pass at this with some more detailed notes when I have the time.

Again, great work!

Quoted from MarkItZero Hey Geezis, That was great, man. Really good for a first feature. The dialogue felt mostly spot on for the time period. It was very self-assured writing with some solid repartee. I like how you put pressure and strain on these relationships. The detective with his dying wife. George struggling to help Libby as she's spiraling. That's one area I'd consider taking further. Deepening the conflict between them. Maybe Libby pushes him further and further away despite his best efforts... could even be an attachment grows between her and Abberline as they've both been through hell. You've got the bones of a good story here. The investigation, this damaged woman facing her demons, it all works for me. For next draft, I'd suggest tightening/punching up the description writing a bit. And see if you can't be judicious in tightening up individual scenes. The saying goes... get into a scene as late as possible and leave as early as possible. Although, I think you do a pretty good job of this already. Hope that helps. I'll try and take another pass at this with some more detailed notes when I have the time. Again, great work!

Thanks Mark

The feedback I've had so far has been great and completely spot on, there is some work for me to do on it and hopefully improve.

Everyone has been very generous of their time and supportive throughout.

I'm looking forward to my next challenge.