Definitely a slow burner, building up with smooth pace, which is okay since I like your scenario of crazy pre-apocalyptic folks in a bar.

Appearance of Luke, the magical bartender, is a nice mid-point and accelerates the story.

Cool dialogue. However, John gets quite passive then and lets Luke dictate the stage pretty easily.

"Sloth" - part felt goofy and hurt the otherwise fine atmosphere. The joke felt unbalanced to me in case of the rest.

All in all, a coherent piece. I enjoyed the show here. Good work.

Okay, there were a few chuckles in places.
John doesn't grow or change for me. He's been resisting alcohol for some time. He still does. but there's nothing else terribly interesting about him for me.
I don't get the ending. John Jr. walks in and Lucifer admits he made a boo boo?
Thanks for giving it a shot.  

Nice title, funny logline.

First sentence contains the word "shit." I usually don't swear in the action lines and save it all for the fucking dialogue. Whatever makes me look more fucking professional.

How "slightly overweight" is John? Are we talking Homer Simpson, 2017 skinny John Goodman, Roseanne John Goodman, Flintstones John Goodman, John Candy, Pavarotti, or King Kong?

A "sign" of the Apocalypse. And a "fucking" funny one, too.

Quoted Text [John] Shak[es] the door violently this time[,] but it still doesn’t open.

Quoted Text JOHN ({u}nder his Breath) Fuck. That’s my day ruined.

Parentheticals, which would be used sparingly anyway (if at all), should start with a lowercase letter.

Watch out for orphans, too. Too many of those will waste a good page or two.

I'd put "one year sobriety" in quotes or hyphenate it.

Some writers hate it when you repeat your slug in your action line

EXT. HOUSE - DAY

A beautiful house.

It's redundant, unless there's no other way to write the action. And there's almost always another (better) way.

"Four Horseman." I see what you did there.

"stops dead in [his] tracks"

Is Under His Breath somebody's name? If not, no need to capitalize.

I have nothing against (most of) today's pop music, but does rock no longer exist?

Quoted Text The more the fucking merrier on the one way train to Shitsville!

Take the last train to Shitsville
And I'll meet you at the station
You can be there by four-thirty
'Cause I've made your reservation

"Wanna" drink or "want a" drink? Two different things.

"Hold on[,] love."

"back s[h]elf"

A 50s hipster or a 2010s hipster? "Cool, daddy-o" or "I don't listen to Halsey anymore; she's too mainstream. Ugh!"? It might help to specify, since some people still like to dress up like Fonzie or a beatnik.

Titles such as Mister need to be spelled out in dialogue, for timing reasons.

"Jack Daniel's"

"John's hand"

A literal demon! Nice. He even Rick James-es his name.

"one of [my] seven deadly sins."

"the everything about envy"??

A literal sloth! Ha ha! Nice!

Hell, the place, is usually capitalized.

Quoted Text Hold him down.

Quoted Text But it's the devil that's tryna Hold me down, hold me down Sneaking out the back door, make no sound Knock me out, knock me out Saying that I want more, this is what I live for Hold me down, hold me down Throw me in the deep end, watch me drown Knock me out, knock me out Saying that I want more, this is what I live for - Halsey, "Hold Me Down"

"bottle [of] Jack Daniel['s] in his hand"

Quoted Text Fuck me, I did it again.

"Oops! I did it again" would've been hilarious, too.

"Four Horsemen." "Fade to Black." Intentional? *Metallica*

That was a hoot! Lots of laughs, and suits the apocalypse criteria.

I enjoyed this one. A few typos and spelling issues but I can get over that. I liked John's struggle during the first few moments in the bar more than his struggles with Luke. Also had to go back to see what genre you had this listed (dramedy, okay). The sloth, albeit humorous, was a bit over the top. A civil servant might have been even funnier. Good work - entertaining.

Love the logline and the title works for me.

A little too much cussing from the get go for me but I love the first line. Just gets old if you overuse IMO.

Not sure if you need a separate slug for the booth...

back self... should be shelf I think.

in the stool... on the stool

lift her ...should be lifts

littered with typos throughout.

I about choked at the sloth!

I love this. Was a fun easy read even with the typos. I laughed all the way through it.

Great job.

Writer,

Very good. You got a few chuckles out of me. I like your dialogue - straight up in your face, say what you're thinking. Not sure if you should've trimmed this, or added to it. Maybe added. You probably had a few opportunities to make this better.  I'd work in it, polish it, send it back out again. There's some potential here. But definitely clean up the typos and punctuation - there's a bunch. Nice work.

Steve

Page 1: “Footsteps and loud screams…” What about GUNSHOTS and loud screams? I think he needs more motivation to get in this bar. I know it's supposed to be the apocalypse, but the noise you described could easily be soccer hooligans as well.

Maybe it's unfair that I'm choosing this moment to be picky, but why didn't any of the people already in the bar lock it before John showed up?

Too many characters, which is a shame cause you had a couple good ones to focus on. The Pop Star who can't deal with the fact that his fame is now meaningless and the Business Woman who cann't deal with the fact that her money is now meaningless. I could almost see a theme about to take shape. Will John realize that his sobriety is now meaningless? With the appearance of Luke, I'm afraid that thread is slipping away.

Okay, so a different theme emerged, and it probably would've taken more space to roll your theme into mine. C’est la vie.

This wasn't bad. I like what was being attempted and think it could be quite good with some more work.

Everyone Has Their Own Demons - Apocalypse, Dramedy, Sci Fi - The willpower of a recovering alcoholic is put to the test when he takes shelter from the apocalypse in a sports bar.

Rating: 4
Thoughts: Okay, now we have an idea with some irony.  An alcoholic in a sports bar.  I also like how it doesn't look at the apocalypse from the most obvious perspective.  Nice.


TITLE: Everyone Has Their Own Demons

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 3

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 3

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3

Story - 1

Ending - 3

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 1

Dialogue reveals character -  1

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 2

Total: 2.3