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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  Project: Beatitude - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Project: Beatitude - OWC  (currently 2113 views)
Don
Posted: April 21st, 2017, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Project: Beatitude by One Who Watches - Short, Apocalypse, Sci Fi - As billions slip into an irreversible coma, the fate of humanity hinges on a gutless man battling the ultimate evil. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 5:49am Report to Moderator
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I actually had to look up the meaning of title - could be interesting

Logline is ok, but lacks a hook IMO

Let's see...

I like the challenge of a shy coward type character facing a foe. This one seemed to wander around then went left field at the end

Not for me


My scripts  HERE

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stevie
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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First read - I picked the bottom one.

Interesting mish mash of ideas here. I didn't google the subject matter but I got the gist of it. Some of the writing was pretty good but other bits descended into cliche.

Has some cool concepts but needs a careful structured rewrite.



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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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I was into this with the setup of the comas and tiny TVs, far-fetched but interesting and I was wanted to know where it was going.

Then the twist and the story went left field, then left woods, then left mountains, just felt too much of a shift.

And then the Baku and we're on a new planet, to the left of course!

I think the problem is that the story starts in one place and then drifts off into a world populated by D&D monsters, and I don't think they fit together.

Think I know who's this is though.
  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Cameron
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Absolutely nuts! The writing was pretty good, the story built and built until WHAM! Crazy spirit/monster madness!

This sort of script isn't really my thing. I can appreciate the build up and craft involved in piecing this together, but the story was never going to absorb me when the crazy surreal horror started.

That's not to say this is a bad script, not at all, it just didn't do it for me but I know some others will really dig it.

Regardless, well done,

Cam
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Wes
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, I’m gonna have to admit that I had to look up “Beatitude”. Now I get the title.
Billy’s character is well established.
Dialogue is good.
I was really enjoying the story.
Then the tapir, inexplicably, obnoxiously, jumps off of Billy’s shirt.
Nice work. Just a really convenient end.


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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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I was on board with this until the ending, which completely went over my head, but it sounds like an adult version of Monsters, Inc. gone bad.  I'm just not sure exactly what happened, other than Billy finally stood up to the bad guy.  That's the most I got out of it.

So writing wise, it was fine, I guess it played into the apocalypse theme, but I would give serious consideration to changing that ending in a future re-write so others will be able to follow.

Still a good effort until the ending.

Best,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
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The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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stevemiles
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Had to look up the title - my sunday schooling was limited...  I like the logline - irreversible coma is an interesting take on the challenge and with a unwilling hero at the centre of it all.  Keen to see how this plays out...

Felt like you were building up to something with all the set-up.  Unfortunately (for me) this was too big an idea crammed into a single showdown scene.  It leaves you scrabbling to explain everything through the dialogue, capped with a deus ex machina ending with the Baku Tapir magic T-shirt.  Lots of imagination on display, just too much too late.

The coma/nightmare concept wasn’t bad - maybe one to come back to.  Not sure where the title really played into this?


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Zack
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty sure I know wrote this one.

Unfortunately it doesn't really work for me. I really like the concept behind this one. The worlds population falling into a never ending coma, one by one. That's creepy as fuck. It just seems like you were really held back by the page limit here.

Some really cool images on display, but this is a concept that is much more suited for a feature.

Good luck with this and good job on entering.

~Zack~

Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  April 24th, 2017, 9:04pm
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IamGlenn
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 1:55am Report to Moderator
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:)

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This was ticking along nicely. People going to sleep and never waking up seemed eerie and different. You built Billy up well as a cowardly underachiever. I was even liking the twist of the mad scientist putting people into TVs forever. Something Black Mirror-ish.

Then....

You lost me when Nightmare showed up. It didn't seem to fit and was totally batshit crazy. I just couldn't get on board.

Good job up until then though.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 2:49am Report to Moderator
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I also had to look up Beatitude. Personally I do think it is a good thing to learn something new but from a script reading point of view, anything which distracts the reader and gives them cause to drop the script in the reject pile should be avoided.

You spent a lot of time telling us Billy is basically a coward with a big heart. Nearly 3 pages is a lifetime in a short. As it is, then you have to start the story just as we are getting into the backstory.

The story itself is a decent premise and there was some creepy moments with the guys all screaming on the TV, especially when you realize everyone is supposed to be in a kind of a heaven but they've been tricked.

Then it goes nuts and very much left-field. Not only that, you have the cliche of the bad guys telling us what their evil schemes are.

I think you are onto a good idea here. I'd lose the first three pages, let Billy's actions let us know what type of person he is. I'd also have a look at the third act and see what you can do to reign it in and show us what is happening rather than having the characters tell us.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Conz
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 8:54am Report to Moderator
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Even after looking up the title, i don't think it's particularly strong.

so many unnamed characters in this challenge

I got it, Billy's a coward... ok...  did i need 4 pages and 4 or 5 flashes through his life to show that?  probably not.  i mean, it could have been shorter.

not a bad idea - people just pass out and never wake up.  i could see that being scary

Jeton quick to spill the beans...

this being is 8 feet tall?

this script has a lot of the dreaded "tell"  needs more "show"

yeah, you gave all those early scenes just so Nightmare can remind us of the exact scenes.  there was no need to do that.

"Tapir shaped Baku" how many people know what a tapir is, let alone a baku?  why does this feel completely out of left field?  what line did i miss earlier about Billy having powers?

That was a weird story with some potentially cool elements, but not as written.


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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Had to look up the meaning of the title, which IMO, is never a good thing.

Well, right off the bat, we have some potential issues going on.  Mama and Dad are late 20's (why don't you just give them an age?), and the oldest daughter, Sis, is 12, meaning Mam and Dad were a maximum of 17 years old each when she was born.  Not impossible, but unlikely and a little weird to me.

Hmmm, why are we jumping 3 years ahead?  Was that opening scene really that important?

Wait a minute...now we're jumping 5 years forward?  After a scene on a slide in grade school?

Oh boy, Kid 1, Kid 2, and Kid 3.  There's been an awful lot of kids so far, already!!!

Damn, now we're 12 years later?  No...no...no...BIG MISTAKE going on here.

Lays/lies - please learn the difference...it's so simple...

Why doesn't the girlfriend have a name?  She just gave birth to Billy's first son...she's not significant enough to warrant a name?

3 years later again?  Damn, bro...this is crazy!!!!  CRAZY!!!!  Way too many flash forwards going on.

Dialogue on Page 4 is pretty weak.

Tiny TV like things contain people?  Have the people been shrunk?

Wait, now the latest coma patient, the janitor is sitting on top of one of the tiny TV things?  I thought they were inside them, now they're on top of them?  I'm completely lost.

Wait...so this doctor who is doing whatever he's doing, decides to tell a lowly janitor about what he's done?  Not!!

Lots of typos popping up.

Wooo, a being just walked out of the Doc's chest?  WTF is happening here?

Nightmare?  Oh man...oh man...NO!!!!  Say it isn't so!!!

Now Billy's tapir jumps off his shirt?  This is insane...

Baku?  WTF is going on?

Oh boy.  Well...uh...hmmm...uh...

Very creative.  Not very realistic or believable.  Way too big a story for a 12 page short.  Just doesn't make any sense whatsoever and is very goofy.  Sorry.

Score - 1.5.
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Heretic
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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4 - Exposition is pretty clunky here.

***

Exposition is pretty clunky all the way through, and it's because Nightmare doesn't have much to do but stand there and Bond-villain his plan out.

I love that it goes crazy halfway through but I think the Baku MUST be set up at the start of the story, in childhood. His first turn to fear was in childhood and the first sign of his full strength should be there too.

I'd lose most of the start. One key scene from childhood setting up the fears, then cut to adulthood, where he's got a newborn kid in a crazy world. Get to the craziness faster, so that you can take more time with each stage of it.

It's clear what the story is and how it hangs together, but there's a lot of extraneous stuff in the way. I think this has to be pared way down and then filled out -- with action and visuals, ideally.

It's a kooky mess right now, but I can see this turning into some really fun stuff with rewriting.
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khamanna
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Really liked the idea of preserving people's souls so that they feel good as if in heaven.

I think you could start late, not waste first scenes to show that Billy is a coward. It got interesting when I learned about the soul preserving and when later Being appeared.
I'd also prefer that it finished early - as soon as Billy eliminates the Being. The rest that follows reads a bit pompous for my tastes.
Being - better cap it I think
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