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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  The Magician of Peacock Springs - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    The Magician of Peacock Springs - OWC  (currently 2085 views)
Don
Posted: April 21st, 2017, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Magician Of Peacock Springs by Baby Dill - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, Thriller - A Nazi war criminal has unleashed the Apocalypse, and mankind's only hope resides within an eight-year-old girl who can stick spoons to her face. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 9:09am Report to Moderator
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Logline - a little confusing and perhaps mixing genres, but curious all the same

Now I've read it the magnetism is fit all metal - the logline just sounded like she does tricks with spoons

To be honest I found this a strange script that I didn't fully get.

Girl - why? Karl - why?

I think the girl is a curious one - I wonder what other stories she may fit ?


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Gum
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Strange tale, ‘Magneto Girl and the Nazi’. Well written and really funny at times. I’m getting a Project Paperclip vibe from this, wherein the US funneled several Nazi scientists, doctors, etc. into the states after WWII, via the Vatican Ratlines. This would definitely put Karl in a position to be where he is when the world was in disarray… just don the old uniform and get to doing what he does.

Their (3rd or 4th Reich) didn’t last a thousand years, it lasted five but, I would imagine it was the most fantastic five years of any Nazi’s life… “do what thou please with no consequences”. Karl. Perhaps believes this ‘Little Spoon Girl’ is his final salvation to resurrect the forces that once guided them (Nazi’s) towards a New World Order, some immutable force that was never destroyed, just put into a dark hole somewhere, awaiting a prodigy to awaken them once again. Not sure you planned on it going that deep or logical but, I had to dig that up cause I dig shit like that.

Surreal tale, I really enjoyed it. Well done.!
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Cameron
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

It was confusing, really confusing. Also from a theme perspective, is the apocalypse happening? It seemed to be for a bit, but then it just roamed off on a completely separate tangent.

Writing wise. You've got this unique style, it's very unusual and quite broken, but it works. The descriptions and visualisations were clear, but it's the contents I didn't really get.

Anyway, maybe it'll click with some other people, just didn't work for me I'm afraid.

Cam
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DanC
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Sorry, but, I didn't enjoy this at all.  I don't understand what happened or why it happened.

And I'm sorry, but, a sawed-off shotgun doesn't just fire one bullet as you've written it.  They are messy guns.

Great idea, but, I didn't get it.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 4:26am Report to Moderator
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The logline makes this sound like a comedy. It gives the script a mixed message before you’ve started reading, which may give some people the wrong vibe.

Apart from that, I thought this was superb. A very original and different approach to the apocalypse. I love your writing style - the descriptions are lean yet poetic and vivid; full of atmosphere.

Your characterisations are excellent. Everyone seemed unique, with their own backstories, personal demons, hopes and dreams.

I see from the other comments that some readers don’t get this. It is a pity. When someone attempts to do something a bit different, it doesn’t always go down well as some simply don’t get it, but I did and I thought this was excellent.

Was Karl influenced by Josef Mengele, the so called Dark Angel of Auschwitz?

Regardless he was a very interesting character and represents all the hatred and dark aspirations of the Nazis regime. I can’t work out if he was the antichrist or one of the horsemen of the apocalypse (or something else) but he represented the dark side, be that the devil or some other force.

Cathy represented a higher power as well, God maybe. What makes this special is underneath these battling forces are real humans beings caught up in it all, searching for redemption.

I don’t have to understand exactly what the specifics are, I got the vibe and it was a great one.
My favourite so far!

-Mark



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 5:47am Report to Moderator
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I'm guessing this is some sort of alternate reality tale, but even so having a Nazi appear after you appear to have set up an apocalyptic event triggered by solar flares threw me completely.

Am I supposed to assume that this Nazi has been hiding out, worked out how to control solar flares and unleashed an attack that starts on Israel? Or is he just celebrating the incident and happens to have a uniform lying around

If so what on earth is he doing in sleepytown USA?

And then the little girl is magnetic, and that's pertinent why?

Karl starts off speaking German, but when the story needs he speaks flawless English to the girl... and Bucky seems to remember his being on trial, but now he's escaped?

And then the end... nope lost me

This feels like some weird sequel to Iron Sky with a completely different story about a magnetic girl bolted onto it. A different approach is good, but for me there still has to be some internal logic to the story and for me this has none.

It might work better as separate stories, as it is it's as mad as a bag of frogs! And there's some fun in that...


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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I found myself liking this one as I read through it, but then the Nazi guy seemed to add a bit of confusion to the mix, because it wasn't clear to me if he was involved with the solar flares or if he was some sort of satanic figure. How and why did he disintegrate into ash?  Why didn't everyone die from the solar flares, i.e., why did Bucky and his sister survive, but not the others? Where does she get the metallic force from?  I mean, it's all very interesting and it's definitely well-written. Just too many questions at the end of it all for me.

Still, very good effort.
Best,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Dreamscale
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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Opening line is very poor, as it doesn't mean anything, nor can it be visualized.

WTF?  Magnet Girl with a frickin' toaster on her shoulder?

And now a German speaking in German.  I personally appreciate when writers take the time to show characters of a different ethnicity and using real foreign language is great.

BUT...WTF is going on here?

Ummm, if Karl speaks fluent German, wouldn't he have an accent while speaking in English?  Nothing wrong with using an occasional wrylie to show how a character sounds.

I'm very confused.  Who is Karl supposed to be and why in the world is he in Peacock Springs, OH?

"Karl points a finger at Bucky, whose arm catches fire. He drops down to one knee, and levels the gun at Karl." - Here's a great example of why it's important to break up passages properly and why, when you don't, things get confusing.  Notice in the first sentence, Karl is the subject.  In the next sentence, "He" is the subject, but here, "He" refers to Bucky.  Break this up - 2 separate passages and be clear who "He" is when you use such words.

Shotguns do not fire a bullet, so this entire scene is fucked.

I have absolutely no clue what this is supposed to mean or why anything that happened happened,a dn that's never a good sign.  It shows promise, but this makes zero sense.

Grade 1.5
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irish eyes
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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A toaster on her shoulder... that me laugh don't know if I was suppose to

I see Bucky asked the same question lol

Well that was unique! I think I missed how the Nazi ended up in Ohio.
So the Nazi was a magician who could make things burst into flames, the young girl would have metal objects attach to herself... not exactly polar opposite as they seemed to play off each other. Sorry if i missed that.

It was well written and easy to read. The story itself was a tad confusing but it was different and Ill give you that.

Good job on entering


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CameronD
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, that first scene with her full of metal objects is just hilarious. Very somber, moody, and the dad is just sticking stuff to his daughter for no reason and sends her out into the fields. Why? He doesn't even know why!  It's just so absurd and I don't know if that is your intention or not yet. If so, mission accomplished. If not, uh oh.

Wait, then he kills himself? Just like that? This must be a dark comedy.

So a solar storm killed some people but not others? Questions are fine as long as you answer them.

"What he notices next prompts him to take cover behind a nearby tree." What does he see? Why not just say he is startled, shocked etc and takes cover?

1979 and we see Nazi's?

Ok, so Karl, Bucky and Cathy all meet in the city street? Bucky sees a random old nazi and his first instinct is to hide. Cathy just shows up cause she's been running or weighed down by spoons? And the nazi is just there saluting for no reason? WTF?

Then they head to a seemingly random farm and crazy Nazi Karl just magically appears next to toaster girl. Did he teleport? Again, du fuq???

A horse bursts into flames as they drive by?

Damn! Now Bucky teleports to catch up with the car outta the blue?

Then Karl is killed by a knife that I guess flies out from Cathy? The whole story metal keeps attaching to her but now the knife is the only object that can detach? It kills the Nazi and everybody weeps for him as he dies all the sudden? As he burns into ash?

This is the craziest script I've read so far of the bunch, and I read the one with the giant mutated bees. Nothing here makes sense, is explained, or is based in reality. Random things just happen without rhyme and reason. Dead people in a car. Escaped Nazi war criminals with magical powers who befriends a toaster girl? A deadly solar storm. Teleporting characters. Spoons. It's just too much.

Sorry. I really have no idea what I just read. lol







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CameronD  -  April 25th, 2017, 2:09pm
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stevemiles
Posted: April 26th, 2017, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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I like the title.  Interesting logline - feels a bit jokey for a thriller/drama but I’m intrigued as to how a little girl who can stick spoons to her face can defeat a Nazi war criminal.

Nicely written - brevity coupled with strong visuals.

Odd story, yet kind of engaging in places.  Almost like if Wes Anderson did superheroes...  I do wonder how this would play on-screen.  It’s billed as thriller/drama but It almost felt tongue in cheek.  Little girls clanking around covered in cutlery and toasters… Genocidal Nazi’s goose-stepping though rural Ohio (coincidence that they happened to be in the same place...too much for me personally).

I found it amusing in an offbeat kind of way.  Hopefully that’s not an insult to the writer.  Interested to see who was behind this one and what the intention was.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 26th, 2017, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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Even stranger, there is no Peacock Springs in OH, which really leaves me scratching my head.
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JEStaats
Posted: April 27th, 2017, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I like weird but that was too F-ing weird for me. Almost nonsensical. Please oh please give some explanation when the week is over. Did I miss something? There was definitely a direction you wanted to go but I just missed it.
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khamanna
Posted: April 27th, 2017, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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You created an atmosphere here but overall I dont know what its about.
Thescenes read random although every scene was good standing separately. But didn't add up at the end. Maybe I missed something. I very often do.  

One thing - and I always do it after I'm done - get rid of repetitions like No, no. Just one "no" reads better I think.
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